Friday, 30 September 2011

Italian police

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them, "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four", replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just ze name of ze fokken automobile", the German says unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons."

"You canta pulla thata one on me-aa!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and thereforea youarra breaking da law."

The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"

"Sorry", responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He's a busy with a 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

Wednesday, 28 September 2011

Native American names

A little Native American boy asked his father, the Big Chief of the tribe: "Father, why is it that we always have long names, whilst the white men have short names; like Bill, Tex or Sam?"

"My son", replied his father, "Our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem in our culture; not like the white men who live all together and merely repeat their names from generation to generation”.

“For example, your sister's name is ‘Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake’ because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake”.

“Then there is your brother, ‘White Horse of the Prairies’ because he was born on a day when the big white horse who gallops over the prairies, appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and of the life force of our people”.

“It's really very simple and easy to understand”.

“Do you have any other questions for me, Little Broken Condom Made In China?"

Tuesday, 27 September 2011

Irish furniture dealer

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked him something in French (which Murphy couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

Monday, 26 September 2011

The photograph

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's bedside table. He begins to worry.

“Is this your husband?” he nervously asks.

“No, silly”, she replies, snuggling up to him.

“Your boyfriend, then?” he continues.

“No, not at all”, she says, nibbling away at his ear.

“Is it your dad or your brother?” he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

“No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!” she answers.

“Well, who in the hell is he, then?” he demands.

She whispers in his ear… “That's me before the surgery.” 

Saturday, 24 September 2011

Fortune teller

I went to see a fortune teller the other day; she studied my hand carefully and said, "You have been masturbating, haven't you?"

I said, "You're very good at this aren’t you, can you tell me anything about the future?"

She looked at my face and said... "You'll be doing it for a very long time."

Friday, 23 September 2011

9 months later

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's camper van and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

“I realise it is terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed”, she explained. “I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.”

“Don't worry”, John said. “We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.”

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, “Keith, do you remember that good looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?”

“Yes, I do.” said Keith.

“Did you, err, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”

“Well, um, yes!” Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, “I have to admit that I did.”

“And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?”

Keith's face turned beetroot red and he said, “Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?”

“She just died and left me everything in her will.”

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)


A lady goes on vacation to the West Indies. Upon arriving, she meets a Jamaican man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, “What is your name?”

“I can't tell you”, the man says.

Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is, and he always responds the same, he can't tell her. On her last night there she asks again “Can you please tell me your name?”

“I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me.” says the man.

“There is no reason for me to laugh at you”, the lady says.

“Fine, my name is Snow!” the Jamaican replies. And with that, the lady bursts into laughter. The man gets mad and says, “I knew you would make fun of it”.

The lady replied, “I'm not making fun of your name. I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in the West Indies.”

Thursday, 22 September 2011

Tennis coaching

A blonde woman hires a tennis instructor.

After several attempts, it is clear she’s not very good at the game at all.

The instructor suggests, “Try holding the racket like you hold your partner’s penis.”

Straight away the blonde is much better, hitting the balls with force and precision.

Impressed the instructor then goes over to her and says, “Very good, now try taking the racket out of your mouth.”

Wednesday, 21 September 2011


Eileen and her husband Bob went for counselling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand up, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately.

Bob watched with his mouth open and his eyebrows raised.

The therapist then asked Eileen to sit down. Speechless, Eileen buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week... Can you do this?”

Bob thought for a moment and replied, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.”

Tuesday, 20 September 2011

Man on a kerb

An old man is sat on a kerb crying his eyes out.

A passer-by asks him, "What's up?"

The old man moans, "I'm 93 years old and married to a 21 year old who wants shagging before breakfast, lunch, tea and twice at night!"

The passer-by says, "Well what's the problem with that then?"

The old man replies, "I can't remember where I fucking live!!"

Monday, 19 September 2011

A lovely ring

An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000", he said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon", he said.

On Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man and said, "Sir, there's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but let me tell you about the weekend I had!"

Saturday, 17 September 2011

Breaking down

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered.  "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.

"Lady", the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

Friday, 16 September 2011

Little Billy and addition

Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits, another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Little Billy: Seven Sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits, another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Little Billy: Seven.

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Little Billy: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits, another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Little Billy: Seven!!!

Little Billy: Because I already fucking have a rabbit at home!

Wednesday, 14 September 2011


A little boy was walking along the street, when he stumbled upon a welding visor lying in the gutter. He sat down on the edge of the kerb and placed the visor on his head. Every now and then, he would lift the visor and look left and right; and then lower the visor over his face again.

A little while later, a pervert pulled up next to him in his car and wound down the car window.

He asked the little boy, “If I mentioned the word ‘Masturbation’ to you, would you know what I meant?”

The little boy lifted the welding visor; looked left and right, shook his head negatively and then lowered the visor.

The pervert then asked, “If I mentioned the words ‘Flagellation’ or ‘Rimming’ to you, would you understand what I meant?”

Again, the little boy lifted the visor; looked left and right, shook his head negatively and then lowered the visor again.

The pervert then asked him, “If I asked you about ‘Full penetration’, would you know what I was talking about?”

The little boy lifted his visor; looked both ways, shook his head and said.... “I’m not a real welder you know!”

Tuesday, 13 September 2011

Testicular removal

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Tri Nations Cup and was not feeling too well, so he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey", said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc", replied Wiremu, "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment. Wiremu was devastated, but with the Tri Nations Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said, "Wiremu, you huv prostate suckness ey".

"What's the cure thin doc ey?" asked Wiremu, hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!" 

Monday, 12 September 2011

A man called Brian

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing, you're just like Brian."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian… He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian ..."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his fucking widow."

Sunday, 11 September 2011

The power of alcohol

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the father that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the father loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. 

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With the entire bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant “Take another drink!”

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, “Take another drink! Take another drink!!” The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it... Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right, through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, “He should've quit while he was a head.”

Saturday, 10 September 2011

A father's reply

I took my dad to the shopping centre the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).  We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.  The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at her. 

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one.

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ...

"Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you might be my kid."

Friday, 9 September 2011

Council complaints

Complaints to Councils – these are extracts from letters written to local councils in Britain:

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

2. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

3. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

4. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

5. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

7. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

8. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now it is in three pieces.

9. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am, his cock wakes me up and it’s now getting too much for me.

10. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

11. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

12. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

13. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

14. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

Thursday, 8 September 2011

Little Billy and English

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my uncle's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate.

Little Billy raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Billy before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ‘fascinate', so she called on him.

Little Billy said, “My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight.” 

Wednesday, 7 September 2011

Martial arts

A bloke is standing in a bar and this little Chinese guy is stood at the side of him.

The bloke asks, “Do you know martial arts like Kung-Fu and Jujutsu?”

He replies, “Why you ask me that… is it because I am Chinese?!”

The bloke says, “No, it’s because you’re drinking my pint you little fucker!”

Monday, 5 September 2011

Medical examination

An old guy goes to his doctor for his medical examination and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.”

The old guy obeys and says,"99". The doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, ‘99’." Again, the old guy says, “99”.

The doctor said, “Very good. Now I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'”.

The old guy begins, "One ... Two ... Three…"

Saturday, 3 September 2011

Little Billy and a new baby

Little Billy's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Little Billy's family were invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Billy’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Billy told his dad he understood completely.

When Little Billy looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Billy.

Little Billy said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Billy, “coz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses!"

Friday, 2 September 2011

Magician and Parrot

A magician on a cruise ship is constantly having his tricks spoilt by the ship’s parrot.

Every time he does a trick, the parrot shouts, “It’s in his pocket”, or “Four of clubs”, or “It’s got a false bottom!”

The magician hates it.

That night the ship sinks and the magician ends up clinging to a piece of driftwood with the parrot.

For four days and nights the parrot says nothing and just stares at the magician.

On the fifth day the parrot says, “Okay, I fucking give up… where’s the ship?” 

How the Internet began

Well, you might have thought that you knew how the Internet started, but here’s the TRUE story.....

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.

Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham’s drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham’s business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted - for insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.

And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO", said Abraham.

And because it was Dot’s idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham’s cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot’s drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God’s Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE)

And that is how it all began………… possibly.

Thursday, 1 September 2011

Black testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.

A young student nurse arrives to give him a partial sponge bath.

“Nurse”, he mumbles, from behind the mask. “Are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don't know sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.”

He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, are my testicles black?”

Concerned that he may elevate his worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, “There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!”

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, “Thank you very much that was wonderful, but listen very, very closely....... 
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?”