On Thursday night he gradually came to... stiff as a board and in pain in the hospital’s ICU with tubes up his nose & down his throat, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. It was obvious he’d been in a serious accident.
She gave him a deep and steady heartfelt look straight in the eyes and he heard her slowly say, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”
He somehow managed to mumble in reply, “Can I feel your tits, then?”
A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realises her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted cashier and without missing a beat, she says… “Well, that’s great... some arsehole's got my pen!”
This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.
The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman openly admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter was married in the morning to a French man and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt thereafter.
Quite upset, the French policeman proceeds to test his breath for alcohol and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he is going to be arrested.
The Englishman answers with humour, “No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving... on the other side!!”