Friday, 29 July 2011

Elderly sex

An elderly couple met at the singles club and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and much to his delight, she accepted.

They had a lovely evening and dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.

Despite his age, they ended up at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable ‘roll in the hay’.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....

Claude was thinking: “If I'd known she was still a virgin, I would have been gentler”.

Maude was thinking: “If I'd known he could still do it, I would have taken my tights off”. 

Thursday, 28 July 2011

Love is blind

Bob and Linda met while on a singles cruise and Bob fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart, Bob was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Bob had taken Linda to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Bob became convinced that Linda was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Bob took Linda to a fine restaurant.

While having cocktails, Bob was waiting for the salad, and said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage… So, before I get out a box from my jacket and ask you possibly a life-changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf; read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Linda took a deep breath and responded, "Bob, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker".
Bob said, "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball!"

Wednesday, 27 July 2011

Strange chanting

A man was walking his dog along the road, when he heard strange chanting coming from behind a tall wooden fence. "13 13 13 13 13 13", the people were saying. "13 13 13 13 13 13", they were getting louder.

Intrigued, the man tried to see over the fence, but he couldn’t as it was too high. "13 13 13 13 13 13", went the chant.

The people had speeded up. "13 13 13 13 13 13", went the chant.

The man was now desperate to see what was happening. "13 13 13 13 13 13".

Then he noticed a small knot hole in the fence. "13 13 13 13 13 13", the chant continued.

The man pushed his face against the fence, and looked through the knot hole. "13 13 13 13 13 13".

Then a finger poked him in the eye!

"14 14 14 14 14 14".

Tuesday, 26 July 2011

Little Billy and Maths

Little Billy was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question,

"Billy, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None", replied Billy, "because the rest would fly away".

"Well, the answer is four", said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking".

Little Billy says,
"I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well", said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone".

"No", said Little Billy, "It’s the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking".

Monday, 25 July 2011

Three Irishmen at lunch

There were these three Irishmen, Paddy, Mick and Seamus. They were digging a large hole in the High Street and had been working all morning, when lunchtime arrived. As usual Mick and Seamus had brought their own sandwiches with them and commented how dull lunch was when they were working on site.

Paddy then proceeded to surprise them both, by announcing that his wife had a made a lovely steak pie for them all and that all they needed to do was heat it up. Mick and Seamus were delighted and Mick quickly volunteered to warm the steak pie using the fire barrel which they normally used for burning asphalt.

In no time at all, the dish was piping hot and Mick picked it up. As he wasn’t wearing any gloves and the dish was red hot, he dropped it quickly, breaking the dish and spilling the contents.

Seamus was disappointed that there wouldn’t be a hot meal for lunch after all, but Paddy was furious that his wife’s dish had been broken. “You’ll have to get my wife a new dish now”, he shouted to Mick.

Mick said, “Where I am supposed to get a new one?”

Paddy replied, “There’s a shop along the High Street that sells everything.... you’ll get one there”.

Mick said, “What type of dish is it?” Paddy replied, “It’s a Pyrex”.

So Mick heads off to this shop and as he had a bad memory he kept saying the name so as he wouldn’t forget….. “Pyrex, Pyrex, Pyrex, Pyrex”, he kept repeating. Then suddenly an elderly lady came up to him and asked him where the number 17 bus stop was. Mick explained to her that if she went to the end of the road and turned right, it was just around the corner. The elderly lady thanked Mick for his help and walked off down the road to the bus stop.

After this distraction, Mick had now forgotten the name of the dish. He stood thinking for a couple of minutes and then he thought, “I know, it was Durex!”

He then continued to walk down the road and kept repeating, “Durex, Durex, Durex, Durex”. Finally he arrived at the shop that sells everything and approached the counter, where a stunning young lady assistant asked if she could help him.

Mick asked, “Can I have a Durex please?”

The assistant replied, “What size would you like?”

Mick said, “You had better make it a big one, as there are three of us working on the same hole!”

Sunday, 24 July 2011

Hunting accident

A hunter accidentally shoots himself in his genitals with his shotgun.

A few hours later lying in his hospital bed, he’s approached by a doctor who says,
 “The good news is you’re going to be okay. The bad news is there is some pretty extensive buckshot damage to your penis, so I’m going to have to refer you to my sister”.

“Is she a plastic surgeon?” asks the hunter.

“No”, replies the doctor. “She’s a flute player; she’ll teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your face”.

Friday, 22 July 2011

A bloke buying condoms

A bloke walks into a pharmacist and asks the man behind the counter for a packet of three condoms.

“I think I will be using all of these condoms tonight”, he boasts. “I’m going to my girlfriend’s for dinner and I’m sure her sister and mother both fancy me as well”.

That night he sits down at the table with the three ladies. When the father comes in, the young man immediately bows his head and prays for five minutes.

The girlfriend leans over and says, “I didn’t know you were religious”.

He replies…. “I didn’t know you father was a pharmacist!”

Thursday, 21 July 2011

A dwarf buys a horse

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm. "I'd like to buy a horth", he says to the owner of the farm.

"What sort of horse?" replies the owner.

"A female horth", the dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a mare.

"Nithe horth", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"

So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's eyes.

"Nithe eyeth", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?"

Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's teeth.

"Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.

By now the owner is getting a little fed up, but again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's ears.

"Nithe eerth", he says, “Now...can I see her twot?"

With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep in just under the horse's tail. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says, "Perhaps I should weefwaze that... Can I see her wun awound?" 

Tuesday, 19 July 2011

Political Humour

Whilst walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by Saint Peter at the entrance.

“Welcome to heaven”, says Saint Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you”.

“No problem, just let me in”, says the MP.

“Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity”.

“Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven”, says the MP.

“I'm sorry, but we have our rules”, replies Saint Peter.

And with that, Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves, while the elevator rises....The elevator goes up, up, up and the door re-opens on heaven where Saint Peter is waiting for him.

“Now it's time to visit heaven”, says Saint Peter.

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and Saint Peter returns.

“Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity”.

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell”.

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. “I don't understand”, stammers the MP. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course & clubhouse, we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning.....
Today you voted!”

Monday, 18 July 2011

Little Billy and his frog

Little Billy is walking down the road dragging his flattened frog on a piece of string behind him.

He walks up to the local brothel and taps the door, when the madam answers, he says, 
“I want to have sex with your dirtiest girl who has lots of diseases; I have £500 to spend”.

The madam’s eyes light up and she says,
“That’ll be me then, but why do you want a disease?”

Little Billy says, 
“Tonight, after Mum and Dad leave, my babysitter will shag me because she likes cute little boys. Later when Dad runs her home he’ll shag her in the lay-by. When he comes home and goes to bed, Mum will want a good seeing to and tomorrow when Dad goes off to work, Mum will shag the milkman………

And he’s the bastard who ran my frog over!” 

Sunday, 17 July 2011

Paddy had two horses

Paddy bought two horses and could never remember which one was which.

To help him work out which was which, he cut the tail off one. This worked well until the other horse lost his tail when it got caught in a bush and Paddy could no longer tell them apart.

His mate Mick suggested he notch the ear of one of the horses. This worked well too until the other horse caught his ear on barbed wire and Paddy could no longer tell them apart.

Mick then suggested to Paddy that he measure both the horses for their height.

Paddy was delighted to discover that the black one was two inches taller than the white one.

Friday, 15 July 2011

NASA Space mission

NASA sends two monkeys and a woman into space.

The radio messages were as follows:-

NASA to monkey 1:
Optimize life support systems and re-calibrate radiation monitoring equipment.

NASA to monkey 2:
Check trajectory and compensate using the following formula (m2-3n)x(5-m3)

NASA to woman:
Feed the monkeys, touch fuck all.

Tomorrow's exam

A female lecturer reminds her students that there will be an exam tomorrow.

She says “Apart from a death in the family or a nuclear attack, I’m not taking any excuses for not taking the exam.”

A smart arse at the back of the class shouts out, “What if I’m suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”

The class erupts into laughter. When the class quietens down, the lecturer looks at him and says, “Well you’ll just have to write with you other hand.”

Wednesday, 13 July 2011

A Day at the Races

A group of primary school children go to Ascot races to learn about horses.

When it's time to take the children to the toilet, it’s decided that the girls will go with one teacher and the boys with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys is waiting outside, when one of the boys comes out to tell her that none of them can reach the urinal. Having no choice, she goes inside and helps the boys with their pants and begins hoisting them up one by one over the urinal.

As she lifts one boy, she can't help but notice that he's unusually well endowed. Trying not to stare, she says "You must be in Year 4?"

"No love", he replies, "I'm riding Silver Shadow in the 2.15".