Thursday, 22 December 2011

Harley and Vaseline

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day; he comes across a Harley Davidson with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in absolute mint condition. 

He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

“Well, it's quite simple really”, says the seller, “whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain”. And with that he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, “I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.”

“'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.”

“No problem”, he says... And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mum horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mum. “She's got a great body”, he thinks.

So he grabs the mum, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table. After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mum is pleasantly beaming. But still.... Total silence as no one wants to wash the dishes.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike… so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father shouts, “I'll do the fucking dishes!”

Wednesday, 21 December 2011

Navy retirement plan

The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer was able to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes... He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, “From the tip of my penis to my testicles.”

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to “drop 'em”, which he did. The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back. “Dear Lord!” he suddenly exclaimed, “Where are your testicles?”

The Old Chief calmly replied, “The Falkland Islands.”

Monday, 19 December 2011

Lawyer verses Cop

A Lawyer from London runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop, because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cop's expense.

Cop says, "Licence and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and Registration, Please.”

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law! Licence and registration, please!"

The Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between ‘slow down’ and ‘stop’, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the shit out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"

Wednesday, 14 December 2011

Quick thinking Kiwi

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir", the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager, "My wife is from New Zealand!"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"

Monday, 12 December 2011

Little Billy and Politics

Little Billy walks up to his dad and asks, “What is Politics?”

Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. Your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.”

So little Billy goes off to bed thinking about what his Dad has just explained to him.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So little Billy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he then goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, little Billy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.”

The father says, “Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”

Little Billy replies, “The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.”

Sunday, 11 December 2011

Dark & Stormy night

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were on holiday in Europe.....as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry", replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!" Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist... However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely... Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

Friday, 9 December 2011

Cheap drinks

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, ‘Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10p’.

They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"

There's a fully stocked bar, so each one orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced Martinis, ‘shaken not stirred’ and says, "That'll be 10p each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their Martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent Martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40p, please." They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two Martinis and haven't even spent a £1 yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve Martinis as good as these for a 10p a piece?"

"I'm a retired tailor," the bartender says, “and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. Wine, spirits, beer, it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their Martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?" 

The bartender says, "They're retired people from Yorkshire. They're waiting for ‘Happy Hour’ when drinks are half-price.”

Thursday, 8 December 2011

Nurses laugh

Bob visits the nurse with a problem and is worried that the nurse may laugh at his situation.

"Of course I won't laugh", said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then", said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male penis the nurse had ever seen.

In length and width was almost identical to a ‘AAA’ battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's penis, she composed herself as well as she could.

"I am so sorry", she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen", Bob replied.


Haircut

A little girl goes to the barbers with her dad and stands next to the chair eating a cake while her dad gets a haircut.

The barber smiles at her and says, “You’re going to get hair on your muffin.”

“I know”, she says. “I’m gonna get tits too, you dirty old bastard.”

Wednesday, 7 December 2011

Heaven

Three men die on Christmas eve. To gain entry into heaven, St Peter says, “You must have something on you that represents Christmas.”

The Englishman flicks on his lighter and says, “It’s a candle.”

St Peter lets him pass.

The Welshman pulls out a set of keys, jangles them and says, “They are bells.”

St Peter lets him pass.

The Irishman pulls out his 10 inch cock.

St Peter says, “How does that represent Christmas!!”

Paddy replies, “It’s a fucking cracker isn’t it!”

Monday, 5 December 2011

Mamma knows

An Italian Mamma, Mrs Ravioli, comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear Mamma,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Your Loving Son Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received an email response from his Mamma which read:

Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Maria. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mamma.

Sunday, 4 December 2011

Christmas tradition

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the rum. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree...

Thursday, 1 December 2011

Diary

Diary of a Pommy in Western Australia

August 31
Just got transferred with work from Leeds to our new home in Karratha, Western Australia. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday. It was beautiful.
I've finally found my new home. I love it here.

September 13
Really heating up now, it got to 31 today. No problem though, living in air-conditioned home, driving an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshipper - no blasted rain like back in Leeds!

September 30
Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me! Another scorcher today, but I love it here. It's Paradise!

October 10
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatising is taking longer than we expected.

October 15
Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body.
Missed three days off work. What a dumb thing to do. Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this!

October 20
Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I've learned my lesson though, no more pets in this heat.

October 25
This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant fucking blow dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from Perth.... The wife & the kids are complaining.

October 30
The temperature is up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the air conditioner. House is an oven so we've all been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?

November 4
Finally got the air-conditioner fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 35. Stupid repairman. Fucking thief.

November 8
If another smart bastard says, “Hot enough for you today?” I'm going to throttle him. Fucking heat! By the time I get to work, the car radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet and I smell like baked cat. Fucking place is the end of the Earth.

November 9
Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in my car. I thought my fucking arse was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and off my arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat.

November 10
The Weather report might as well be a recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and fucking sunny. It never fucking changes! It's been too hot to do anything for 2 fucking months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Fuck!

November 15
Doesn't it ever rain in this damn fucking place? Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the fucking pool. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the little bastards!

November 20
Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 fucking degrees today. Now the air conditioner has gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said, “Hot enough for you today?” I wanted to shove the fucking car up his arse. Anyway, had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid prick. Fucking Karratha! What kind of sick, demented fucking idiot would want to live here!

December 1
WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of Summer!!!! You are fucking kidding me!

Tuesday, 29 November 2011

Cardiologist's Funeral

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life... 

A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever...

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, “I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynaecologist!"

Monday, 28 November 2011

Armani Shoes



Luigi walks a mile to work every day and passes a shoe shop twice every day. Each day, he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about. 


After about 2 months, he saves the price of the shoes, £300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night, the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time. He asks Sophia to dance and, as they dance, he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"

Startled, Sophia replies, "Yes, Luigi. I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?"

Luigi answers, "I see the reflection in my new £300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?"

Next, he asks Rosa to dance and, after a few minutes, he asks, "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?"

Rosa answers, "Yes, Luigi. I do, but how do you know that?"

He replies, "I see the reflection in my new £300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?"

Now, as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luigi asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance, his face turns red.

He states, "Carmela, be stilla my heart. Please, please tella me you wear no panties tonight. Please, please, tella me this true!!"

Carmela smiles coyly and answers, "Yes, Luigi. I a wear no panties tonight!"

Luigi gasps, "Thanka God ...I thoughta I had a CRACK ina my £300 Armani leather shoes!"

Friday, 25 November 2011

Financial crisis

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, “'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey has died.”

Paddy replied, “Well then just give me my money back.”

The farmer said, “Can't do that. I've already spent it.”

Paddy said, “'OK, just bring me the dead donkey.”

The farmer asked, “What are you going to do with him?”

Paddy said, “I'm going to raffle him off.”

The farmer said, “You can't raffle a dead donkey!”

Paddy said, “Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.”

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, “What happened with that dead donkey?”

Paddy said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £998.”

The farmer said, “Didn't anyone complain?”

Paddy said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.”

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland.

Thursday, 24 November 2011

Missing employee

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper, “Hello?”

“Is your daddy home?” he asked.

“Yes”, whispered the small voice.

“May I talk with him?” he asked.

The child whispered, “No”.

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mummy there?”

“Yes”, the child whispered.

“May I talk with her?”

Again the small voice whispered, “No”.

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?”

“Yes”, whispered the child, “a policeman.”

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”

“No, he's busy”, whispered the child.

“Busy doing what?”

“Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman”, came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”

“A helicopter”, answered the whispering voice.

“What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed a helicopter”.

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... “Me!”

Wednesday, 23 November 2011

Lady on a Cruise


An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam…I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know", said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.


The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

Tuesday, 22 November 2011

Greek philosophy



Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Plato?"

"Wait a moment", Socrates replied, "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

“Triple Filter Test?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right", Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Plato, let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No", the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right", said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Plato something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So", Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Plato that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Plato going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well", concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.



Monday, 21 November 2011

New job



There is a factory in Essex which makes the ‘Tickle Me Elmo’ toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.


Well, Shell is hired at the ‘Tickle Me Elmo’ factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are ‘Tickle Me Elmo's’ all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Shell surrounded by mountains of ‘Tickle Me Elmo's’. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Shell. “I'm sorry”, he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, “but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...”

“Your job is to give Elmo two ‘test’ tickles.”


Friday, 18 November 2011

Using Dad's car

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son. “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.”

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.”

The boy said, “You know Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”

To this his father replied, “Did you also notice they walked everywhere they went?”

Thursday, 17 November 2011

Marriage and sharing

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He un-wrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. 

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink; his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, “That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said, “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.”

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, “What is it you are waiting for?”

She answered…….. “THE TEETH.”

Wednesday, 16 November 2011

Football sex

A bloke was watching Match of the Day when his wife came into the lounge and said, “Fancy a shag babe?”

He replied, “After the football love.”

She said, “You do realise that you can record it, don’t you?”

He replied, “Excellent! Nice one... you go and get the camcorder and I’ll come upstairs after the footy has finished.”

Monday, 14 November 2011

Bee sting

A lady went to the doctors with a very swollen nose and said, “Doctor, can you help me? A bee sat on my nose.”

The doctor said, “Do you mean a bee stung your nose, because it’s very swollen?”

The lady replied, “No the bee definitely sat on my nose... then my husband hit it with a shovel!”

Confessional box

A bloke goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. 

There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in: "Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".

Saturday, 12 November 2011

Pub toast

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" 

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" 

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Friday, 11 November 2011

Uncle Marvo

Little Billy is excited because the circus has come to town and his mum has got front row tickets for him. Finally the evening comes and Little Billy and his mum go off to the big top.

Little Billy sits there and enjoys the lions, the tigers, the jugglers and the trapeze artists. Finally out come Little Billy’s favourites, the clowns.

Little Billy loves the clowns and their humorous japes until one of the clowns comes up to him and says, “Little boy are you the front end of an ass?”

“No”, replies little Billy.

“Are you the rear end of an ass?” the clown asks.

“No”, replies little Billy again.

“In that case”, says the clown, “you must be no end of an ass!”

Little Billy is distraught and he runs out of the circus and all the way home in tears. When his mum catches up with him she says, “Little Billy don't worry, your Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, is coming to stay tomorrow. We will take him to the circus and he will sort that nasty clown out.”

At this news, Little Billy cheers up and looks forward to the next evening.

The next night comes and, sure enough, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, arrives and the three of them set off for the circus. When they get there Little Billy, his mum and Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, sit down and enjoy the lions, the tigers, the jugglers and the trapeze artists. Then the clowns begin their performance.

Again Little Billy is enjoying their antics and yet again one of the clowns comes up to him and says, “Little boy are you the front end of an ass?” 

Little Billy looks at his Uncle Marvo. Quick as a flash, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, jumps up and shouts at the very top of his voice:

“Fuck off you red nosed cunt!!”

Thursday, 10 November 2011

Dining out

I took this lovely girl out for a meal last night on a first date.

We sat down and she proceeded to order the most expensive dishes on the menu.

I asked her, “Does your mother feed you like that at home?”

She replied, “No… but my mother’s not expecting to get a blow job later!”

I said, “Good point… enjoy your meal!”

Tuesday, 8 November 2011

Fireman's bells

A Fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire engine, ready to go.”

"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed and when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night.”

The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled, "BELL 2!" the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!" they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"

"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

"Roll out more hose", she replied, "You’re nowhere near the fire!"

Monday, 7 November 2011

Papa and Vinnie

An old Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: 
 
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.

I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love,
Papa

 
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
 
Dear Papa,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,
Vinnie


At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
 
Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,
Vinnie

Friday, 4 November 2011

Dai and Evan

Two Welsh blokes go out for a drink in London. They are quite drunk and end up in the Soho district.

It’s not too long before they lose each other in Soho. Dai then goes in search of his mate Evan.

He comes across a man crossing the road and asks, “Have you seen my mate Evan?” The gentleman replies, “Sorry I haven’t.”

He staggers along the road a little bit more and meets a charming couple. He asks them, “Have you seen Evan?” They in turn reply, “I’m sorry we haven’t”.

Dai then walks along the road in Soho and comes across a young lady stood in a shop doorway; with a skirt so short you can see what she has had for breakfast!

Dai asked her, “Do you know where Evan is?”

She replied in a husky voice, “Come with me and I’ll show you ‘eaven!”

Dai said, “Brilliant... I’ve been looking for him for ages.”

Dai followed her up the stairs until they reached the top, when she turned to him and said, “Heaven’s in here”.

Dai then said, “How did he end up here?”

The young lady then proceeded to take all of her clothes off, lay on the bed; open her legs as wide as she possibly could, pointed between her legs and said, “There you go... there’s heaven!”

Dai took one hard long stare and said, “Nooo, Evan’s a bigger cunt than that!”

Thursday, 3 November 2011

Stella

A bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything... except Stella.

Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?"

Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was fucking skint."

Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."

Bloke replies, "Skint is my dog!"

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

Morning sex

The wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Saturday, 29 October 2011

Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger."

"In honour of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days. Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your second request?" the Chief asks.

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow."

The Chief says, "What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "READ MY LIPS!!!! For the last time... Bring POSSE!"

Wednesday, 26 October 2011

Yorkshire baby

A rugby league fan is drinking in a Yorkshire bar, when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, “That's about average in Yorkshire ... like I said; my boy's a typical Yorkshire baby boy. He’s going to be a rugby league player.”

Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of “WOW!” One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. 

The bartender says, “Say, aren't you the father of that typical Yorkshire baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?”

The proud father answers, “Twenty pounds.”

The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. “What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!”

The Yorkshireman takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith's, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, “I had him circumcised...”

Tuesday, 25 October 2011

Cuckoo clock

The other night a woman was invited for a night out with the girls. As she walked out of the front door, she told her husband, “I will be home by midnight darling, I promise!”

Well, the hours passed by and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3am, a bit loaded, she headed for home.

Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, realising her husband would probably wake up, she cuckooed another nine times.

She was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos + 9 cuckoos = 12 cuckoos… therefore midnight!)

The next morning her husband asked her what time she got in, she told him, “Midnight”.... He didn't seem pissed off in the least.

“Whew, I got away with that one!” she thought.

Then her husband said, “We need a new cuckoo clock my dear.”

When she asked him, “Why?” he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit!' Cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled a lot, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.”

Monday, 24 October 2011

Testicle operation

A man went to Hospital for a testicle operation last week.

Prior to the operation, a little Thai nurse began to examine him. 

She cupped his balls and said, “Don’t worry, it’s quite normal to get an erection while doing this procedure.”

The man said, “I haven’t got an erection.”

She said, “No… but I have.”

Sunday, 23 October 2011

Wine tasting

At a wine merchant's warehouse, the regular taster had died and the director began looking for a new one to hire.

A scruffy retired Navy Chief came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to get rid of him, so he gave him a glass to drink.

The old chief tried it and said, “It's a ‘Muscat’ three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable.”

“That's correct!” said the boss. “Another glass, please.”

“It's a ‘Cabernet Sauvignon’, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for the finest results”, said the Naval man.

“Absolutely correct. A third glass please.” the boss replied.

“'It's a ‘Pinot Blanc Champagne’, high grade and exclusive”, calmly said the old retired chief.

The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.

The old alcoholic tried it. “It's a blonde female, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father.”

Friday, 21 October 2011

Little Billy and urinating

Little Billy shouts out, “ I need a piss Miss”

The teacher says, “The word is ‘urinate’. If you give me a sentence with the word ‘urinate’ in it, then you can go to the toilet.”

Little Billy responds, “Alright Miss, urinate, but if you had bigger tits you’d definitely be a ten!”

Thursday, 20 October 2011

Sniffer dog

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

“His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.”

The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said, “Watch this.”

He told Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, “Good boy”, and he turned to the man and said, “That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.”

“Gee, that's pretty good”, replied the man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. 

The Policeman said, “Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.”

“I like it!” said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that. So he asked the Policeman, “What's going on?”

The Policeman nervously replied, “He's just found a bomb.”

Saturday, 15 October 2011

Paddy and a chainsaw

Paddy buys a chainsaw which guarantees to cut down forty trees in an hour.

Paddy sets to work, but only cuts down twenty trees in the hour.

So Paddy takes it back to the shop and says, “This chainsaw doesn’t cut down forty trees in an hour, I’ve only managed twenty”.

With that the shop owner starts up the chainsaw.

Paddy looks at him and says, “What the fuck is that noise?”

Thursday, 13 October 2011

Hot & Cold sex

After his examination, the doctor asked the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do", said the old man, "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually cold and chilly. Then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

Later, after examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

She replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea why this may be?"

"Oh, that silly old fart", she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."

Friday, 7 October 2011

Postman's last day

It was the Postman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When they went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: bacon, eggs, sausage & tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup.

“All this was just too wonderful for words", he said, "but what's the five quid for?”

“Well,” said the blonde, “Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you”.
“'I asked him what I should give you”.
He said, “Fuck him. Give him a fiver.”

She smiled shyly and said, “The breakfast was my idea.”

Tuesday, 4 October 2011

Catholic confession

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

Monday, 3 October 2011

A heartbroken man

A letter written by a heartbroken man to his estranged partner.

Dear Audrey,

I know the counsellor said we shouldn't contact each other during our ‘cooling off’ period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact.

In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says... "There's no one like you, Audrey." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at a night club and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Jugs you wouldn't believe and an ass like a tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right?

But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Audrey? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before.

I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yoghurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some niggling feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there, Audrey, to watch. Do you know what I mean?

Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Audrey, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mum we met at the holiday camp last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a bowl of lasagne. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack.

She's giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old dressing table. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too, because I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Audrey ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old dressing table for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex aid."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good counselling about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Audrey, She really is.

So we're drinking in a hot bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?

It's true, Audrey. In your heart you know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same, please please please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the Sky remote control is?

John

Sunday, 2 October 2011

Little Billy and wives

A teacher was talking about marriage in class…

Teacher: What king of wife would you like Billy?

Little Billy: I want a wife like the moon…

Teacher: Wow what a choice… Do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon?

Little Billy: No, I want her to come at night and disappear in the morning.

Friday, 30 September 2011

Italian police

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them, "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four", replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just ze name of ze fokken automobile", the German says unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons."

"You canta pulla thata one on me-aa!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and thereforea youarra breaking da law."

The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"

"Sorry", responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He's a busy with a 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."


Wednesday, 28 September 2011

Native American names

A little Native American boy asked his father, the Big Chief of the tribe: "Father, why is it that we always have long names, whilst the white men have short names; like Bill, Tex or Sam?"

"My son", replied his father, "Our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem in our culture; not like the white men who live all together and merely repeat their names from generation to generation”.

“For example, your sister's name is ‘Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake’ because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake”.

“Then there is your brother, ‘White Horse of the Prairies’ because he was born on a day when the big white horse who gallops over the prairies, appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and of the life force of our people”.

“It's really very simple and easy to understand”.

“Do you have any other questions for me, Little Broken Condom Made In China?"

Tuesday, 27 September 2011

Irish furniture dealer

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked him something in French (which Murphy couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

Monday, 26 September 2011

The photograph

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's bedside table. He begins to worry.

“Is this your husband?” he nervously asks.

“No, silly”, she replies, snuggling up to him.

“Your boyfriend, then?” he continues.

“No, not at all”, she says, nibbling away at his ear.

“Is it your dad or your brother?” he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

“No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!” she answers.

“Well, who in the hell is he, then?” he demands.

She whispers in his ear… “That's me before the surgery.” 

Saturday, 24 September 2011

Fortune teller

I went to see a fortune teller the other day; she studied my hand carefully and said, "You have been masturbating, haven't you?"

I said, "You're very good at this aren’t you, can you tell me anything about the future?"

She looked at my face and said... "You'll be doing it for a very long time."

Friday, 23 September 2011

9 months later

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's camper van and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

“I realise it is terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed”, she explained. “I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.”

“Don't worry”, John said. “We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.”

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, “Keith, do you remember that good looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?”

“Yes, I do.” said Keith.

“Did you, err, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”

“Well, um, yes!” Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, “I have to admit that I did.”

“And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?”

Keith's face turned beetroot red and he said, “Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?”

“She just died and left me everything in her will.”

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)

Snow

A lady goes on vacation to the West Indies. Upon arriving, she meets a Jamaican man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, “What is your name?”

“I can't tell you”, the man says.

Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is, and he always responds the same, he can't tell her. On her last night there she asks again “Can you please tell me your name?”

“I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me.” says the man.

“There is no reason for me to laugh at you”, the lady says.

“Fine, my name is Snow!” the Jamaican replies. And with that, the lady bursts into laughter. The man gets mad and says, “I knew you would make fun of it”.

The lady replied, “I'm not making fun of your name. I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in the West Indies.”

Thursday, 22 September 2011

Tennis coaching

A blonde woman hires a tennis instructor.

After several attempts, it is clear she’s not very good at the game at all.

The instructor suggests, “Try holding the racket like you hold your partner’s penis.”

Straight away the blonde is much better, hitting the balls with force and precision.

Impressed the instructor then goes over to her and says, “Very good, now try taking the racket out of your mouth.”

Wednesday, 21 September 2011

Counselling

Eileen and her husband Bob went for counselling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand up, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately.

Bob watched with his mouth open and his eyebrows raised.

The therapist then asked Eileen to sit down. Speechless, Eileen buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week... Can you do this?”

Bob thought for a moment and replied, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.”

Tuesday, 20 September 2011

Man on a kerb

An old man is sat on a kerb crying his eyes out.

A passer-by asks him, "What's up?"

The old man moans, "I'm 93 years old and married to a 21 year old who wants shagging before breakfast, lunch, tea and twice at night!"

The passer-by says, "Well what's the problem with that then?"

The old man replies, "I can't remember where I fucking live!!"

Monday, 19 September 2011

A lovely ring

An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000", he said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon", he said.

On Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man and said, "Sir, there's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but let me tell you about the weekend I had!"

Saturday, 17 September 2011

Breaking down

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.
 
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered.  "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.

"Lady", the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."