Tuesday, 16 July 2013

Football in heaven

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, “Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s football there.”

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, “Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favour for you”.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, “Mike…Mike.”

“Who is it?” asks Mike sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Mike…it’s me, Joe.”

“You’re not Joe. Joe just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Joe”, insists the voice.

“Joe! Where are you?”

“In heaven”, replies Joe. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first”, says Mike.

“The good news”, Joe says, “is that there’s football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here too. Better than that, we’re all young again! Better still, it’s always spring time and it never rains or snows. But best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired.”

That’s fantastic”, says Mike. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”

“You’re in the team for this Saturday!!!”

Wednesday, 26 June 2013


A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is.”

The lawyer using sign language, asks Guido, “Where's the money?”

Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn't know what you are talking about.”

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says, “Ask him again or I’ll kill him!”

The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don't tell him.”

Guido trembles and signs back, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.”

The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”

The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”

Tuesday, 11 June 2013


Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a psychiatrist and told him... “I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared... I think I’m going crazy.”

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year”, said the psychiatrist. “Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”

“How much do you charge?” I asked.

“Eighty pounds per visit”, replied the expert.

“I’ll sleep on it”, I said.

Six months later, he met me on the street. “Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.

“Well, eighty pounds a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for £10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought myself a new car!”

“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed! There isn't anybody under there now!”

Monday, 10 June 2013

Frozen cows

A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see, there are cows motionless like statues. It had been a bitterly cold night, but he’d never thought anything like this would happen.

The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.

Just then, an elderly woman walked by, “What’s the matter?” asked the old lady.

The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman.

Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cow’s noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud.

One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals.

The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her good deed.

She declined his offer and walked off across the field.

A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer. “You know who that was, don’t you?” asked the passer-by.

“No”, said the farmer, “who?”

“That was Thora Hird.”

Friday, 17 May 2013


One day, a rabbit managed to break free from his cage in the laboratory where he had been born and raised. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt the grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.

“Wow, this is great!” he thought. It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight. Lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

“Hey”, he called. “I’m a rabbit from the laboratory and I’ve just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?”

“Yes. Come and join us”, they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good.

“What else do you wild rabbits do?” he asked.

“Well”, one of them said. You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.”

This he couldn’t resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, “What else do you do?”

“You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.”

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. “Is there anything else you guys do?” he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.

“There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there”, he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. “They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it.”

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. “That was fantastic”, he panted.

“So are you going to live with us then?” one of them asked.

“I’m sorry, I have had a really great time but I can't stay with you.”

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. “Why? We thought you liked it here.”

“I do”, he replied. “But I really must get back to the laboratory… Because I’m dying for a cigarette.”

Thursday, 21 February 2013


In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with his left leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed extremely distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant’s left foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, full of fear, thinking of nothing else but being trampled to death. Eventually the elephant carefully patted him with his trunk and then trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never ever forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Daniel were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter and lifted its front left foot off the ground and then put it back down. The elephant repeated this several times and then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at Peter.

Remembering that amazing encounter back in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this really was the same elephant.

Peter summoned up all of his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back at him in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing with all of his might… killing Peter instantly.

…It probably wasn’t the same elephant!

Tuesday, 12 February 2013


A couple were dressed to go out for the evening, for dinner and the theatre. They turned on a 'night light', turned the answering machine on, covered their pet budgie and put the cat in the garden.

They phoned the local Taxi company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and they opened the front door to leave the house.

As they walked out the door, the cat that they had put out in the garden scooted back into the house. They didn’t want the cat shut in the house, because she always tried to get at the budgie.

The wife walked out to the taxi, while the man went back inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with the husband in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, the wife didn’t want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night, so she explained to the taxi driver that her husband would be out soon. “He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother”, she told the driver.

A few minutes later, the husband returned to the cab. “Sorry I took so long”, he said, as they drove away. “That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! Anyway, I hauled her fat arse downstairs and threw her out into the back garden! She’d better not shit in the vegetable garden again!”

The silence in the Taxi was deafening.

Monday, 4 February 2013


There was a bagpiper, who had played many gigs. Recently he was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. The man had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the countryside near Inverness.

As the piper was not familiar with this area, he got lost and being a typical man, didn’t stop to ask for directions. He finally arrived an hour late and saw the undertaker had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

He felt badly and apologised to the men for being late. He went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. The piper didn’t know what else to do, so he started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. He played out his heart and soul for this man who had no family or friends. The bagpiper played like he had never played before for this homeless man.

And as the piper played ‘Amazing Grace’, the workers began to weep. They wept, the piper wept… they all wept together.

When he finished, he packed up his bagpipes and headed back towards his car. Though with his head hung low, his heart was full.

As the piper opened the door to his car, he heard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen nothing like that before and I’ve been installing septic tanks for twenty years.”