Saturday, 29 October 2011

Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger."

"In honour of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days. Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your second request?" the Chief asks.

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow."

The Chief says, "What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "READ MY LIPS!!!! For the last time... Bring POSSE!"

Wednesday, 26 October 2011

Yorkshire baby

A rugby league fan is drinking in a Yorkshire bar, when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, “That's about average in Yorkshire ... like I said; my boy's a typical Yorkshire baby boy. He’s going to be a rugby league player.”

Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of “WOW!” One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. 

The bartender says, “Say, aren't you the father of that typical Yorkshire baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?”

The proud father answers, “Twenty pounds.”

The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. “What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!”

The Yorkshireman takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith's, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, “I had him circumcised...”

Tuesday, 25 October 2011

Cuckoo clock

The other night a woman was invited for a night out with the girls. As she walked out of the front door, she told her husband, “I will be home by midnight darling, I promise!”

Well, the hours passed by and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3am, a bit loaded, she headed for home.

Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, realising her husband would probably wake up, she cuckooed another nine times.

She was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos + 9 cuckoos = 12 cuckoos… therefore midnight!)

The next morning her husband asked her what time she got in, she told him, “Midnight”.... He didn't seem pissed off in the least.

“Whew, I got away with that one!” she thought.

Then her husband said, “We need a new cuckoo clock my dear.”

When she asked him, “Why?” he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit!' Cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled a lot, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.”

Monday, 24 October 2011

Testicle operation

A man went to Hospital for a testicle operation last week.

Prior to the operation, a little Thai nurse began to examine him. 

She cupped his balls and said, “Don’t worry, it’s quite normal to get an erection while doing this procedure.”

The man said, “I haven’t got an erection.”

She said, “No… but I have.”

Sunday, 23 October 2011

Wine tasting

At a wine merchant's warehouse, the regular taster had died and the director began looking for a new one to hire.

A scruffy retired Navy Chief came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to get rid of him, so he gave him a glass to drink.

The old chief tried it and said, “It's a ‘Muscat’ three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable.”

“That's correct!” said the boss. “Another glass, please.”

“It's a ‘Cabernet Sauvignon’, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for the finest results”, said the Naval man.

“Absolutely correct. A third glass please.” the boss replied.

“'It's a ‘Pinot Blanc Champagne’, high grade and exclusive”, calmly said the old retired chief.

The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.

The old alcoholic tried it. “It's a blonde female, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father.”

Friday, 21 October 2011

Little Billy and urinating

Little Billy shouts out, “ I need a piss Miss”

The teacher says, “The word is ‘urinate’. If you give me a sentence with the word ‘urinate’ in it, then you can go to the toilet.”

Little Billy responds, “Alright Miss, urinate, but if you had bigger tits you’d definitely be a ten!”

Thursday, 20 October 2011

Sniffer dog

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

“His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.”

The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said, “Watch this.”

He told Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, “Good boy”, and he turned to the man and said, “That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.”

“Gee, that's pretty good”, replied the man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. 

The Policeman said, “Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.”

“I like it!” said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that. So he asked the Policeman, “What's going on?”

The Policeman nervously replied, “He's just found a bomb.”

Saturday, 15 October 2011

Paddy and a chainsaw

Paddy buys a chainsaw which guarantees to cut down forty trees in an hour.

Paddy sets to work, but only cuts down twenty trees in the hour.

So Paddy takes it back to the shop and says, “This chainsaw doesn’t cut down forty trees in an hour, I’ve only managed twenty”.

With that the shop owner starts up the chainsaw.

Paddy looks at him and says, “What the fuck is that noise?”

Thursday, 13 October 2011

Hot & Cold sex

After his examination, the doctor asked the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do", said the old man, "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually cold and chilly. Then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

Later, after examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

She replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea why this may be?"

"Oh, that silly old fart", she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."

Friday, 7 October 2011

Postman's last day

It was the Postman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When they went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: bacon, eggs, sausage & tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup.

“All this was just too wonderful for words", he said, "but what's the five quid for?”

“Well,” said the blonde, “Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you”.
“'I asked him what I should give you”.
He said, “Fuck him. Give him a fiver.”

She smiled shyly and said, “The breakfast was my idea.”

Tuesday, 4 October 2011

Catholic confession

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

Monday, 3 October 2011

A heartbroken man

A letter written by a heartbroken man to his estranged partner.

Dear Audrey,

I know the counsellor said we shouldn't contact each other during our ‘cooling off’ period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact.

In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says... "There's no one like you, Audrey." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at a night club and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Jugs you wouldn't believe and an ass like a tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right?

But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Audrey? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before.

I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yoghurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some niggling feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there, Audrey, to watch. Do you know what I mean?

Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Audrey, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mum we met at the holiday camp last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a bowl of lasagne. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack.

She's giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old dressing table. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too, because I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Audrey ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old dressing table for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex aid."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good counselling about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Audrey, She really is.

So we're drinking in a hot bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?

It's true, Audrey. In your heart you know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same, please please please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the Sky remote control is?


Sunday, 2 October 2011

Little Billy and wives

A teacher was talking about marriage in class…

Teacher: What king of wife would you like Billy?

Little Billy: I want a wife like the moon…

Teacher: Wow what a choice… Do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon?

Little Billy: No, I want her to come at night and disappear in the morning.