Wednesday, 31 August 2011

The male cycle

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.  Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. 

So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring.  She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. 

Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.  She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. 

She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.  She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.  So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now... I am looking for a girl with big tits.

Monday, 29 August 2011

Do cats stutter?

A teacher is explaining biology to her year 4 students. "Human beings are the only mammals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back garden with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our back garden!"

"That must have been scary!" said the teacher.

"It sure was!" said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went 'Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say "Shit", the Rottweiler ate her!

Sunday, 28 August 2011

Holy Cross

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.

“Quick, quick!” shouts Sister Catherine. “What shall we do?” 

“Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination”, says Sister Helen. 

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. “What shall I do now?” she shouts.
“Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican”, says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. 

Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. 

“Now what?” shouts Sister Catherine?
“Show him your cross”, says Sister Helen. 

She opens the window and shouts, “Get the fuck off the car you little bastard!”

Saturday, 27 August 2011

High Tech milking machine

A farmer ordered a high tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his ‘manhood’ into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did.

When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.  Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Help Line with his mobile phone.

"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry", replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons. Have a nice day, now...."

Friday, 26 August 2011

Retail Therapy

God visited a man and told him he must give up smoking, drinking and sex if he wants to get into heaven.....

The man said he would try his best.

God visited the man a week later to see how he was getting on.

"Not bad", said the man, "I've given up smoking and drinking but when the wife bent over to get some frozen peas from the freezer and I caught sight of her long slender legs, I lifted her skirt up, pulled her knickers to one side and gave her one right there".

"They don't like that in heaven", said God...

The man replied, "They're not too happy about it in Asda either!" 

Thursday, 25 August 2011

Winalot Diet

Yesterday I was at my local supermarket buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So since I was bored and had very little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I did however lose 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story).

Horrified, she asked me if I had ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me, I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me!

Wednesday, 24 August 2011

Little Billy and nutrition

A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.

To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, “E-G-G”.

“Very good”, says the teacher.

Peter says he had toast, “T-O-A-S-T”.

“Excellent”, replies the teacher.

Little Billy has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.

“I had fuck all”, he says, “F-U-C-K A-L-L”.

The teacher is mortified and scolds Little Billy for his rude answer. Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.

Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada's east coast.

When it's Little Billy’s turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.

Billy, she asks, “Where is the Italian border?”

Billy ponders the question and finally says, “The Italian boarder is in bed with my mother... This is why I had ‘fuck all’ for breakfast”.

Tuesday, 23 August 2011

A duck joke

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on a moment! You're a duck".

"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too", says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that", says the barman as he pours the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub... What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous", says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job", says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus", says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right", replies the barman.

"The circus???" The duck asks again. “With the big tent???"

“Yeah", the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages and performers who live in caravans??" says the duck.

"Of course", the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says... "What the fuck would they want with a plasterer?"

Monday, 22 August 2011

Sportsman’s double

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked okay for a 61 year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.

We drank a bit, had a little bit of a snuggle together and then she asked if I'd ever had a ‘Sportsman's Double’.

“What's that?” I asked.

“It's a mother and daughter threesome”, she said.

I said, “No”, excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she said that tonight was 'my lucky night'.

We went back to her place; she put on the hall light and shouted upstairs, “Mum, you still awake?”

Sunday, 21 August 2011

Asking for a Quickie

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit, came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "I’d like a quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'Quiche'." 

Saturday, 20 August 2011

Getting to know each other

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. 

She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we would learn more about each other as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths. After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No", she said, "I was a prostitute in Liverpool, but I worked both sides of the Mersey!"

Friday, 19 August 2011

Pun contest

Here are the 10 winners in the International Pun Contest

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did?

Thursday, 18 August 2011

Golfing injury

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she said earnestly.

"Umph, ooh, nnoo, I'll be all right, I'll be fine in a minute", he replied breathlessly as he remained in a curled up position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side; she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside and began to massage him.

She then asked him, "How does that feel?”

He replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

Wednesday, 17 August 2011

Wrong e-mail address

A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was very difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who had died following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: August 16, 2011

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. It’s fucking hot down here! 

Tuesday, 16 August 2011

Irish sausage

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream “racism” these days. 

A customer asked, "In which aisle will I find the Irish sausage?"  
The shop assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am.  But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."

Monday, 15 August 2011

Finally they are together

Judy got married and had 13 children.  Her first husband, Ted, died at a young age.

She married again and she and Bob had 7 more children.  Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

Judy again remarried, and this time, she and John had 5 more children.

Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.  He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret, "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied, "I think he means her legs, Ethel . . . her legs!"

Sunday, 14 August 2011

Little Billy & Skirts

While out shopping with his mother, Little Billy puts his hand up a mannequin’s skirt. His mum smacks his hand and says, “Don’t do that, there’s teeth up there, they’ll bite your fingers off”.

Years later when Little Billy gets a girlfriend and they start making out, she whispers to him, “You can put your hand in my knickers if you like.”

He says, “No chance, you’ve got teeth in there that’ll bite my fingers off.”

She replies, “Don’t be so silly, there’s no teeth up there….look!” and with that, she drops her knickers.

“Ha!” said Little Billy, “I’m not surprised, look at the state of your gums.”

Saturday, 13 August 2011

How to give a cat a pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth... Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5 Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.  Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.

Friday, 12 August 2011

New Zookeeper

A bloke gets a job at the local zoo and on his first day he goes to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do. The head keeper tells him to clean out the tropical fish tank.

So he is busy scrubbing the sides of the tank with all the brightly coloured tropical fish darting about, when a great big monstrous fish swims up and bites his hand. He tries to shake it off but it won't let go and in desperation he starts to hammer the creature against the side of the tank.

Eventually it lets go but sadly it dies in the struggle and floats to the top. "Shit!" thinks our man, first day on the job and I've killed one of the exhibits, what am I going to do? He decides he has to get rid of the evidence and the lions look like the best bet because they will eat anything.

Stuffing the fish under his coat he sneaks off to the lion’s enclosure and while no one is looking he lobs it over the fence where it is devoured by the lions.

He goes back to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do next. The keeper tells him to sweep out the monkey cage. So he is merrily shovelling up the muck from the bottom of the monkey cage when - splat! a lump of turd hits him on the back of the head. He turns around to see a playful pair of chimpanzees gibbering with delight at their new game.

Our man gives the mischievous monkeys a firm stare and tries to carry on cleaning the cage - splat! goes another turd, and splat! another makes a direct hit. For an insane moment our new boy's patience snaps and in a fit of rage he swings round with his shovel and clatters the 2 monkeys, killing them stone dead.

"Shit and double shit!" thinks our man, look what I've done now, what am I going to do? So he thinks to himself, the lions worked last time maybe I'll try it again, they eat anything don't they? He drags the dead monkeys to the lion enclosure and lobs then over the fence where they are promptly devoured by the lions.

Again our hapless worker goes to the zoo keeper and asks what wants doing next. Where he is told to collect the honey from the Amazonian killer bees. He is busy pulling the honey filled boards from the beehive when a bee stings him, then another and another until the whole swarm of bees is buzzing angrily around his head. In a panic he lashes out with the honey soaked board and batters every last bee into a pulp. "Shit, Not Again!!!" he thinks and as you might have guessed the lions eat anything, so again he takes the evidence to the lion enclosure and throws it in, where they are devoured by the lions.

The next day a new lion is delivered to the zoo. He strolls into the lion enclosure and meets the rest of the lions.

"Hello", he says.

"Alright", say the other lions.

"What's it like here then?" asks the new lion.

"Not bad", say the other lions.

"Food OK?" enquires the new lion.

"Yeah, brilliant, yesterday we had Fish, Chimps and Mushy Bees!"

Cosmetic Surgery

Two older women were having lunch together and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman said, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob-job."

The second woman responded, "Oh, that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my arsehole bleached!"

"Whoa," replied the first woman. "I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!" 

Thursday, 11 August 2011

His & Hers Diaries

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.  We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong.  

He said, “Nothing”. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.  I can't explain his behaviour I don't know why he didn't say, “I love you, too”.

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. 

He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband's Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.

Tuesday, 9 August 2011

Rugby Lesson

The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself. The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, piercing blue eyes, silky raven hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by the shortest of miniskirts and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.
After watching her walk in, I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turned to see her pulling a bar stool up close to me and sitting down.

She said “Hi”, and I said “Hi” in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

“Is that nice?” she asked.

“I'll bet you feel good”, she continued. “In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.”

“Well actually, I have”, I corrected her. “You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Daily Mail Cup Final at Twickenham in front of a crowd of about 10,000 and I must confess, that felt really rather good.”
I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her firm nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.
“How do you feel now”, she purred softly.

“OK”, I replied.
Again, she said, “I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt ‘THIS’ good before!”

Unbelievably I heard myself saying, “Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, re-gathered and scored a Try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and........ “

“Ahhh....”, she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton and her fanny was as wet as an otter’s pocket.

She snapped, “Well, tell me this, smart arse, have you ever felt a cunt like this before?”
“I certainly have”, I answered. “I missed the kick.”   

Sunday, 7 August 2011

Quasimodo’s replacement

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. 

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.
Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.

“You have no arms!” said the bishop.

“No matter”, said the man. “Observe!”

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?”

“I don't know his name”, the bishop sadly replied, “but his face rings a bell!”

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, “Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.”

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

“What has happened? Who is this man?” the first monk asked breathlessly.

“I don't know his name”, sighed the distraught bishop, “but...he’s a dead ringer for his brother!”

Saturday, 6 August 2011

An Emu's tale

A trucker walks into a cafe with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. 

The trucker says, “A hamburger, chips and a coke” and turns to the emu, “What's yours?” “I'll have the same”, says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order, “That will be £9.40 please.” He reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, “A hamburger, chips and a coke.” The emu says, “I'll have the same.”

Again the trucker reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. “The usual?” asks the waitress.

“No, it is Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad”, says the man... “I'll have the same”, says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “That will be £32.62.”

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?”

“Well, love”, says the trucker, “a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes... My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That's brilliant!”, says the waitress. “Most people would ask for a million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there”, says the man. The waitress asks, “What's with the bloody emu?”

The trucker sighs, pauses, and answers, “My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.”

Friday, 5 August 2011

Decision on Marriage

A bloke was trying to decide which of the three women he would ask to marry him. He gave each of them £1,000.

The first spent £900 on clothes and put £100 in the bank.

The second spent £500 on clothes and put £500 in the bank.

The third spent £100 on clothes and put £900 in the bank.

Which one did he marry?

The one with the big tits of course.

Limp Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead", he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. She cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

Thursday, 4 August 2011

US Condom Shortage

The largest condom factory in the United States burned down.  President Obama was awoken at 4 am by the telephone. "Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week."

President Obama replied, "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in from Mexico."

The guy on the telephone says, "Bad idea Sir... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about the UK?"

Obama says, "Okay, I'll call Cameron and tell him we need five million condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans."

Three days later, a delighted President Obama ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, exactly as requested... All coloured with Union Jacks with small writing on each one which said:


Monday, 1 August 2011

A New Doctor

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, “I've been sick a lot and have a pain in my stomach.”

The older doctor says, “Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?”

As they left, the younger man said, “You didn't even examine that woman? How did you come to the diagnosis so quickly?”

“I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed half a dozen banana peels in the waste basket. That’s probably what was making her sick.”
“Huh,” the younger doctor said. “Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house.”

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman... She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, “I'm feeling terribly run down lately.”

“You've probably been doing too much work for the Church,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”
As they left, the elder doctor said, “I know that woman well.  Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?”

“I did what you did at the last house...  I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the vicar under the bed.”