Tuesday, 28 February 2017

Golfer

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.

“Mr. Barnes, it’s obviously not a good morning for golf. It’s good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”

“I don’t have any,” he replied gruffly.

“Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?”

“Ninety-eight,” he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

“Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down to the front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?”

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, “I outlived the bastards.”

Tuesday, 3 January 2017

Vasectomy

A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy.

When he wakes up he’s surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously, “Is there a problem?”

The head surgeon says gently, “I’m afraid so... I’m so sorry but your notes got mixed up and we’ve given you a sex change rather than a vasectomy.”

The patient is devastated and shockingly replies, “Do you mean to say I’ll never experience an erection ever again?”

The surgeon pauses for a moment then says, “Well, you might... but it won’t be yours!”