Sunday, 29 April 2012

Little Billy and Teacher

A pretty primary school teacher is concerned about one of her pupils… so she takes him to one side after class and asks, “Little Billy, I’m concerned about your work, you seem distracted”.

Blushing… Little Billy replies, “I’m in love miss”.

Smiling, the teacher asks, “Who with?”

Little Billy replies, “With you miss”.

The teacher says, “But Billy, don’t you know how silly this is? It’s true… I want a husband one day, but I don’t want a child”.

Little Billy replies, “Don’t worry miss, I’ll pull out and cum on your tits!”

Saturday, 21 April 2012

What is Sex?

An 8 year old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the garden and asked him, "Grandpa, what is sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Composing himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?" 

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple of secs."

Thursday, 19 April 2012

Little Billy and wet hair

Little Billy comes home with wet hair.

“Why is you hair wet Billy?” asked his mum.

“Me and Bobby were playing being doggies”, replied Billy.

“Well that doesn’t make you end up with wet hair”, his mum stated.

Little Billy replied, “It does when it’s your turn to be the lamp post!”


A bloke spots a Jamaican putting up a sign in his front garden that says, ‘BOAT FOR SALE’.

The man looks, but all he can see is a caravan and a Jeep.

He walks up to the Jamaican and asks, “Where’s the boat? All I can see is a caravan and a Jeep.”

“Ya mon”, replies the Jamaican, “... and they boat for sale!”

Thursday, 12 April 2012


I'd been seeing this Nurse for a few days and we finally got round to shagging... As I stripped off I said to her, "You must have seen a few cocks where you work? How do you rate mine?"

She replied, "It's just slightly bigger than most I see."

I said, "Thanks, what sort of nursing do you do by the way?"

"I'm a Midwife" she replied.


Paddy is in the pub telling his mates about his first parachute jump with the army. Paddy says, "We were about 30,000 feet up when they started to jump, when it was my turn I just couldn’t jump… no way! Then this huge black guy pulled out his 12 inch cock and says, Paddy, if you don’t jump I will stick this baby right up your arse."

Paddy’s mates asked “...did you jump?"

Paddy replies “...well, just a bit when it first went in.”


There was a big fight at a gypsy wedding in Ireland.

After the arrests, the case goes to court and the judge asks, "Can anyone explain what happened?"

Paddy says, "I can your honour, I was the best man and I was dancing with the bride so I was. We were dancing quite close when the groom stormed up and kicked the bride in the fanny so he did".

"I see", said the judge. "That must have hurt."

"Bloody right", says Paddy "... he broke three of my fingers".

Wednesday, 11 April 2012


A woman decided to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spent £15,000 and felt pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stopped at a newsagent to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she asks the newsagent, “I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”

“About 32”, the newsagent replies.

“Nope! I'm exactly 50”, the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, “I'd guess about 29.”

The woman replies with a big smile, “Nope, I'm 50.”

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a chemist’s on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the chemist this burning question.

The chemist responds, “Oh, I'd say 30.”

Again she proudly responds, “I'm 50, but thank you!”

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, “Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, “What the hell, go ahead.”

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, “Okay, okay....How old am I?”

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, “Madam, you are 50.”

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible, how could you tell?”

The old man says, “Promise you won't get mad?”

“I promise I won't”, she says.

“I was behind you at McDonalds”.

Monday, 9 April 2012

Camilla's new shoes

Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired to their room at the palace.

Camilla flopped on the bed and said, “Please remove my shoes darling, one’s feet are killing one.”

Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.

“Harder”, yelled Camilla.

“Harder?” Charles yelled back, “I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!”

“Come on give it all you've got”, she cried.

Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed “Oh God, that feels so good.”

In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Philip and said, “See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that!”

Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out, “Oh god, darling this one’s even tighter”.

At which point Prince Philip turned and said to the Queen, “That's my boy, once a Navy man, always a Navy man!”

Sunday, 8 April 2012


At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in London, stands up and proclaims, “If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their children!” The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, “If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education for all of his children!” More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, “If the Vicar stays, I will give him free sex.” There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her, “Mrs Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?”

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, “Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said… Fuck him”.

Friday, 6 April 2012

Breast enlargement

A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated Dr Bumbutu in Africa could enlarge your breasts without surgery. So she decided to go to Dr Bumbutu to see if he could help her.

Dr Bumbutu advised her, every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'

She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement she grew a terrific D-cup rack!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realised she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked, “Are you a patient of Dr Bumbutu's?”

“Yes I am, how did you know?” she replied.

He winked and whispered to her, “Hickory dickory dock...”

Wednesday, 4 April 2012

A letter to Dad

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything had been picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and, with trembling hands, read the letter...

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mum.

I've been finding real passion with Julie, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Julie said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Julie has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Julie can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son,

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call me when it is safe for me to come home.

Tuesday, 3 April 2012

Sperm sample

An 80 year old man is given a jar to provide a sperm sample for the doctor. He turns up two days later at the doctors with an empty jar.

The nurse asks him, “Why is there no sperm sample?”

The old man replied, “Sorry, I tried with my right hand and then with my left hand, then my wife tried with both hands! My wife then tried using her mouth, first with her teeth in and then with her teeth out. We then asked Ethel from next door to try, but it was no good, we just can’t get the fucking jar open!”

Monday, 2 April 2012


A Man is walking along a pier and sees an old man with his trousers rolled up, legs dangling in the water and an imaginary fishing rod.

Puzzled, he asks; "What are you up to?"

"Fishing for pricks!" replied the old man.

"Fishing for pricks?” Said the man, “That sounds good, can l try?"

"Yeah certainly, pull up a pew son", the old man replied.

So he sits down, and casts his imaginary rod and says, "So, how many pricks have you caught so far?"

The old guy replies, "You’re the third one this morning!"