Friday, 9 September 2011

Council complaints

Complaints to Councils – these are extracts from letters written to local councils in Britain:

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

2. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

3. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

4. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

5. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

7. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

8. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now it is in three pieces.

9. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am, his cock wakes me up and it’s now getting too much for me.

10. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

11. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

12. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

13. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

14. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

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