Thursday, 20 August 2015

Lance corporals

Two old boys, Mick & Paddy, have been promoted from Privates to Lance corporals.

Not long afterward, they’re out for a walk and Mick says, “Hey, Paddy, there’s the NCO Club; let’s you and me step in.”

“But we’re only privates”, protests Paddy.

“We’re Lance corporals now”, says Mick, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside. “Now, Paddy, I’m a-gonna sit down and have me a drink.”

“But we’re privates”, says Paddy.

“You blind, boy?” asks Mick, pointing again at his stripe. “We’re Lance corporals!”

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a one of the Army lasses comes up to Mick. “You’re cute”, she says, “and I’d like to date you, but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhoea.”

Mick pulls his friend to the side and whispers, “Paddy, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means. If it’s okay, give me the okay sign.”

So Paddy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Mick the big thumbs up.

Three weeks later Mick is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea. Mick says to Paddy, “Why the hell did you give me the thumbs up?”

“Well Mick, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates.” Pointing to his stripe, he says… “and we’re Lance corporals!”

Tuesday, 18 August 2015

Cowboy

A cowboy from Montana appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing”, the cowboy offered. 

“On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, Now, back off or I’ll kick the shit out of all of you!”

St. Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”

“Couple of minutes ago.”

Monday, 17 August 2015

Colonel

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, “You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, He's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.”

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. “Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself.”

“Well, sir, I graduated with the Sword of Honour from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I’ve represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the horse riding part of the Olympics. I have researched the history of...”

At that point, the colonel interrupted, “Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fuck off.”


Friday, 26 June 2015

Wales

For my Colonial friends, there really is a village in Wales with the name, Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, the only part I can pronounce is the last three syllables… Go-Go- GOK

Lunch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, Anglesey, North Wales...

On a beautiful summer’s day, two American tourists were driving through Wales.

At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, they stopped for lunch.

They said to the waitress, “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us by pronouncing where we are, but very, very, very slowly please?”...

The girl leaned over and said, “Burrr gurrr king.”


Thursday, 25 June 2015

Skipping Mass

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and, realising it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, “You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?”

The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.”

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?”

The Lord smiled and replied, “Who’s he going to tell?”

Tuesday, 31 March 2015

Engineers

Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”

The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, Take what you want.”

The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit.”


Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Engineers -Take Three

A pastor, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, “What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!”

The doctor chimed in, “I don't know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!”

The pastor said, “Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him.”

“Hi John. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren't they?”

The greens keeper replied, “Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.”

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, “That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”

The doctor said, “Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.”

The engineer said, “Why can't these guys play at night?”


Engineers -Take Four

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons; Civil Engineers build targets.


Engineers -Take Five

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”

Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.”

The last said, “Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”


Engineers -Take Six

“Normal people believe that if it isn’t broken, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it isn’t broken, it doesn't have enough features yet.”


Engineers -Take Seven

An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with a wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, “I like both.”

“Both?”

“Yeah”, replied the engineer. “If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.”


Engineers - Take Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.”

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?”

The engineer said, “Look I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a TALKING frog, now that’s cool!”

Monday, 30 March 2015

Army

An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks, “What’s your problem, Soldier?”

“Chronic syphilis, Sir.”

“What treatment are you getting?”

“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”

“What’s your ambition?”

“To get back to the front, Sir.”

“Good man”, says the Major.


He goes to the next bed. “What’s your problem, Soldier?”

“Chronic piles, Sir.”

“What treatment are you getting?”

“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”

“What’s your ambition?”

“To get back to the front, Sir.”

“Good man”, says the Major.


He goes to the next bed. “What’s your problem, Soldier?”

“Chronic gum disease, Sir.”

“What treatment are you getting?”

“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”

“What’s your ambition?”

“To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir.”