Wednesday, 23 August 2017

Fifth parrot

Three ladies, Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They rediscover each other via Facebook and arrange to meet for lunch.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterwards, wearing a grey Chanel number.

After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine. Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment in Chelsea. Susanna, their daughter, attends drama school. They also have a second home in France.

Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University, studied to become a doctor and then became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in The City. They live in the Kensington area and have a second home in Italy.

Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical bird park on the Sunshine Coast in Australia and grow their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Aldi they live in a small flat and have a caravan parked on the front drive.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old people's home. They live in Stratford and take camping holidays at Butlins.

Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

Tuesday, 28 February 2017


Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.

“Mr. Barnes, it’s obviously not a good morning for golf. It’s good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”

“I don’t have any,” he replied gruffly.

“Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?”

“Ninety-eight,” he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

“Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down to the front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?”

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, “I outlived the bastards.”

Tuesday, 3 January 2017


A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy.

When he wakes up he’s surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously, “Is there a problem?”

The head surgeon says gently, “I’m afraid so... I’m so sorry but your notes got mixed up and we’ve given you a sex change rather than a vasectomy.”

The patient is devastated and shockingly replies, “Do you mean to say I’ll never experience an erection ever again?”

The surgeon pauses for a moment then says, “Well, you might... but it won’t be yours!”

Wednesday, 12 October 2016


Once upon a time three Lieutenants were walking through the woods and suddenly they were standing in front of a huge, wild river. But they desperately had to get to the other side. But how, with such a raging torrent? The first Lieutenant knelt down and prayed to the Lord, “Lord, please give me the strength to cross this river!”

A puff of smoke appears…

The Lord gave him long arms and strong legs. Now he could swim across the river. It took him about two hours and he almost drowned several times. BUT, he was successful!

The second Lieutenant, who observed this, prayed to the Lord and said, “Lord, please give me the strength AND the necessary tools to cross this river!”

A puff of smoke appears…

The Lord gave him a tub and he managed to cross the river despite the fact that the tub almost capsized a couple of times.

The third Lieutenant who observed all this knelt down and prayed, “Lord, please give me the strength, the means and the intelligence to cross this river!”

A puff of smoke appears…

The Lord converted the Lieutenant into a Sergeant. The Sergeant took a quick glance on the map, walked a few metres upstream, and crossed the bridge.

Tuesday, 11 October 2016

Little Billy and nerves

A woman is spring cleaning her house and, while she is standing on a chair getting the cobwebs down, little Billy can see right up her skirt.
“What’s that, Mum, that hairy thing up there?” says little Billy whilst pointing at her fanny.

Realising she did not put her knickers on, his Mum said, “Oh, it’s my nerve.”

Just then the doorbell rang and little Billy answered it. Standing there was a bloke in a suit who says, “Hello, we make brushes, anything from sweeping brushes to toilet brushes. This is a new brush to clean the inside of a teapot, it’s only a tenner. Can you ask your Mother if she would like to buy it, please?”

So little Billy tells his Mum and shows her the brush and she says, “A tenner for that, the thieving bastard! No, tell him I don’t want it.”

So Billy goes back to the bloke and says, “Mum doesn’t want it, you’re a thieving bastard.”

The bloke says, “You what?”

Billy says again, “Mum doesn't want it and you’re a thieving bastard.”

So the bloke says, “Well, you tell your Mum she’s got a fucking nerve.”

And little Billy replies, “Yes, and it’s got a lot more hairs on it than your fucking brush.”

Wednesday, 7 September 2016


Ethel checked into a hotel on her 50th Birthday she was lonely, a little depressed at her advancing age so decided to risk an adventure.

She thought, “I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.”

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself ‘Tender Tony’, a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well-oiled buns...

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I’ll give him a call. “Good evening, ma’am, how may I help you?

Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, “I hear you give a great massage. I’d like you to come to my hotel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now ... Bring implements, toys, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go at it all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I’m ready!

Now how does that sound?”

He said, “That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.”

Wednesday, 17 August 2016


I found myself in a pub in Cork, Ireland. A group of American tourists came in. One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, “I hear you Irish think you’re great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes.”

The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving. No one took up the bet.

40 minutes later, the Irishman who left returned and said, “Hey Yank, is yer bet still on?”

“Sure” said the American, “20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000.”

“Grand,” replied the Irishman, “so pour the pints and start the clock.”

It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.

“OK Yank, pay up.” said the Irishman.

“I’m happy to pay, here’s your money”. said the American. “But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?”

“Well sir,” replied the Irishman, “$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.”