Wednesday, 19 November 2014

Clocks

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, “What are all those clocks?”

St Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.”

“Oh...”, said the man. “Whose clock is that?”

“That's Mother Teresa’s”, replied St. Peter. “The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”

“Incredible”, said the man. “And whose clock is that one?”

St Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.”

“Where’s Tony Blair’s clock?” asked the man.

St Peter replied, “We are using it as a ceiling fan.”

Tuesday, 18 November 2014

Porridge

A tough old sheep farmer from Scotland gave some good advice to his granddaughter.

He told her that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder onto her porridge every morning.

The granddaughter followed this dictum religiously until her death at the venerable age of 103.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great-great grandchildren and a forty foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

Monday, 17 November 2014

Hospital

A 54-year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked “Is my time up?”

God said, “No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 43 years…? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?”

God replied:

“I didn’t bloody recognise you.”


Tuesday, 11 November 2014

Australian approach

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked, “Do you have any sales experience?”

The young man answered, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.”

The manager liked the Aussie, so he gave him the job. His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, “OK, so how many sales did you make today?”

The Aussie said, “One!”

The manager groaned and continued, “Just one? Our sales average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?”

The Aussie replied, “£124,237.64p.”

The manager choked and exclaimed, “£124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?”

“Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat Department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat. He then didn’t think that his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4”.

The manager, incredulous, said, “You mean to tell me... a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?”

“No, no, no... He came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady Friend and I said... Well, since your weekend’s buggered mate, you might as well go Fishing.”

Monday, 22 September 2014

Positive Attitude

On Thursday night he gradually came to... stiff as a board and in pain in the hospital’s ICU with tubes up his nose & down his throat, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. It was obvious he’d been in a serious accident.

She gave him a deep and steady heartfelt look straight in the eyes and he heard her slowly say, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

He somehow managed to mumble in reply, “Can I feel your tits, then?”

Night Nurse

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. 

When she realises her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted cashier and without missing a beat, she says… “Well, that’s great... some arsehole's got my pen!”

Friday, 5 September 2014

French Wedding

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.

The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman openly admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter was married in the morning to a French man and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt thereafter.

Quite upset, the French policeman proceeds to test his breath for alcohol and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he is going to be arrested.

The Englishman answers with humour, “No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving... on the other side!!”