Little Hodiaki

The teacher said, "Let us begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodiaki a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up. “Patrick Henry, 1775”, he said.

“Very good!” replied the teacher.

Who said, “Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?”

Again, no response except from Little Hodiaki, “Abraham Lincoln, 1863”.

“Excellent!” said the teacher continuing, “let's try one a bit more difficult... Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?”

Once again, Hodiaki's was the only hand in the air and he said, “John F. Kennedy, 1961”.

The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Hodiaki isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.”

She heard a loud whisper, “Fuck the Japs!”

“Who said that? I want to know right now!” she angrily demanded.

Little Hodiaki put his hand up, “General MacArthur, 1945.”

At that point, a student in the back said, “I'm gonna puke.”

The teacher glared around and asks, “All right! Now who said that!?”

Again, Little Hodiaki said, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”

Now furious, another student yelled, “Oh yeah? Suck this!”

Little Hodiaki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, “You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.”

Little Hodiaki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.”

The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, “Oh shit, we're screwed!”

Little Hodiaki said quietly, “The Greek population, 2012.”

Faithful wife

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what Martha?”

“What dear?” she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

“I'm beginning to think you're bad luck....”

Sex after death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:

"Marion ... Marion"

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again".

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"

"No...........I'm a rabbit in Norfolk!

Yorkshire

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet. 

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi us."

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A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"
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A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words ‘She were thine’ engraved on it. He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral.

True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.

When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved ‘She were thin’.

He explodes: "'ells bells man, you've left the bloody ‘e’ out; you've left the bloody ‘e’ out!"

The stone mason apologises profusely and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.

Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason: "There you go sir, I've put the ‘e’ on the stone for you".

The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud: "E, she were thin".
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Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks the chemist, "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

Little Billy and Teacher

A pretty primary school teacher is concerned about one of her pupils… so she takes him to one side after class and asks, “Little Billy, I’m concerned about your work, you seem distracted”.

Blushing… Little Billy replies, “I’m in love miss”.

Smiling, the teacher asks, “Who with?”

Little Billy replies, “With you miss”.

The teacher says, “But Billy, don’t you know how silly this is? It’s true… I want a husband one day, but I don’t want a child”.

Little Billy replies, “Don’t worry miss, I’ll pull out and cum on your tits!”

What is Sex?

An 8 year old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the garden and asked him, "Grandpa, what is sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Composing himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?" 

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple of secs."

Little Billy and wet hair

Little Billy comes home with wet hair.

“Why is you hair wet Billy?” asked his mum.

“Me and Bobby were playing being doggies”, replied Billy.

“Well that doesn’t make you end up with wet hair”, his mum stated.

Little Billy replied, “It does when it’s your turn to be the lamp post!”