Friday, 5 September 2014

French Wedding

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.

The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman openly admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter was married in the morning to a French man and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt thereafter.

Quite upset, the French policeman proceeds to test his breath for alcohol and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he is going to be arrested.

The Englishman answers with humour, “No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving... on the other side!!”

Thursday, 26 June 2014

Password

Please enter your new password.

"cabbage"


Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

"boiled cabbage"


Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

"1 boiled cabbage"


Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

"50bloodyboiledcabbages"


Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

"50BLOODYboiledcabbages"


Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

"50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse,IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessnow”


Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

“ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArseIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow”


Sorry, that password is already in use!

Saturday, 12 April 2014

Monkey

A man walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them too. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the balls. To everyone’s amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender looks at the bloke and says, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

“No, What?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table… whole!”

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me”, replied the man, “he eats everything in sight. Don’t worry; I’ll pay for the cue ball”.

The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the man is back and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut and again sticks it up his arse, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender asks, “Did you see what your monkey did just now?”

“No, what?” replied the man.

“Well he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his arse, pulled them out and ate them both”, said the bartender.

“Yeah that doesn’t surprise me”, replied the man. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit that cue ball out, he measures everything first now”.


Friday, 28 March 2014

Independence

It was the Scotland vs Wales rugby International weekend in Edinburgh, and as the crowds made their way down Princes Street towards Murrayfield a Rottweiler suddenly lunged towards an eight year old Scottish lass with its jaws wide open ready to attack.

The crowd nearby gasped in horror but, quick as a flash, a man in a red jersey, jumped out of the crowd, grabbed the dog by the throat and throttled it.

As the dead dog lay there and the crowd cheered in admiration, a journalist from 'The Scotsman', who had witnessed the heroic deed, went up to the man and said, "That was brilliant, I can see the headline now".

Welsh Rugby Fan Saves Young Girl From Certain Death

The man replied, "No, you've got it wrong. I'm not here for the rugby!"

"Don't worry", said the journalist, "I can see the headline now".

Welshman Saves Girl From Jaws Of Rottweiler

The man replied, "No, you're wrong again. I'm not Welsh... I'm from London".

The journalist said, "Don't worry; I can see the headline now".

English Bastard Strangles Family Pet
 

Thursday, 27 February 2014

Confession

A man received the following text from his neighbour,

“I am so sorry Bob. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife day and night when you’re not around. In fact, more than you. I’m not getting any at home, but that’s no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t happen again”.
 
The man, feeling anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text from his neighbour arrived…


“Damned autocorrect! I meant Wi-Fi not wife”.

Wednesday, 19 February 2014

Free Meal



A Catholic Priest informs his friend, the Rabbi, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants.

He explains to the Rabbi how he does it.

I go in to the restaurant just after 9.00pm, eat several courses slowly, and then linger over some coffee, port and a cigar. By 2.00am they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay the bill. Then I tell him, “I’ve already paid your colleague who has already left and gone home.” Because I am a man of the cloth, they take my word for it, and I leave having had a free meal.

The Rabbi is clearly impressed and replies, “Let’s try it together this evening”.

The Priest books them into a restaurant and come 2.00am they are both still quietly sitting there after having had a very full meal.

Sure enough a waiter comes over and asks them to pay the bill.

The Priest tells the waiter, “I’ve already paid your colleague who has already left and gone home.”

The Rabbi then adds… “And we’re still waiting for the change!”

Tuesday, 16 July 2013

Football in heaven

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, “Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s football there.”

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, “Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favour for you”.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, “Mike…Mike.”

“Who is it?” asks Mike sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Mike…it’s me, Joe.”

“You’re not Joe. Joe just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Joe”, insists the voice.

“Joe! Where are you?”

“In heaven”, replies Joe. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first”, says Mike.

“The good news”, Joe says, “is that there’s football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here too. Better than that, we’re all young again! Better still, it’s always spring time and it never rains or snows. But best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired.”

That’s fantastic”, says Mike. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”

“You’re in the team for this Saturday!!!”