Friday, 13 March 2015

Little Billy and Aspirations

A teacher asked the children in her 3rd year class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Little Billy answered first. “I want to start out as an SAS officer, go and fight and return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.”

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this unfortunate response from little Billy, decided not to acknowledge what he said and simply tried to continue with the lesson.

“And how about you, Sarah?”

“I want to be Billy’s tart!”

Thursday, 12 March 2015

Telephone

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.

She picks up… the man looks over at her and listens.

She is speaking in a cheery voice, “Hi, I'm so glad you called.

Really? That's wonderful.

I’m so happy for you.

That sounds terrific.

Great! Thanks.

Okay. Bye bye.”

She hangs up, and the man asks, “Who was that?” 

She replies, “That was my husband… telling me about the great time he’s having on his golf trip with you.”

Wednesday, 11 March 2015

Genie

A man is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.

The man thinks for a moment and says, “I want to live forever.”

“Sorry”, said the genie, “I’m not allowed to grant eternal life.”

“OK then, I want to die after the Government balances the budget and eliminates the debt.”

“You crafty little bastard”, said the genie.


Tuesday, 10 March 2015

Text

THE TEXT MESSAGE

Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I’ve been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.

The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you, particularly in the mornings after you’ve left for work. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much... I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again.

Regards, Alan.


THE ACTIONS

Bob, feeling anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife twice, killing her instantly. He returned to the lounge where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone to respond to the neighbour’s text and saw he had another message:-

THE REPLY

Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text, I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed, my predictive text changed ‘WiFi’ To ‘Wife’. Technology hey?!?

Hope you saw the funny side of that.

Regards, Alan.

Sunday, 25 January 2015

Camera

The Pope was having a shower.

Although he’s very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the Papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy semen flying through the air.

“Hold on a minute!” said the Pope, “You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!”

“This is my lottery win”, said the photographer. “I’ll be financially secure for life with these photos!”

So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of £2 million.

The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera. Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper.

Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said, “That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?”

Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, “£2 million...”

“TWO MILLION Pounds!” replied the housekeeper. “They must have seen you coming!”

Wednesday, 21 January 2015

Ears

A young man moved from his parents’ home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, “Let’s go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.”

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, “What would you say is my best feature?”

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, “It’s got to be your ears.”
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, “My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my bum is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?”

Clearing his throat, he stammered... “Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... well that was me.”

Wednesday, 19 November 2014

Clocks

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, “What are all those clocks?”

St Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.”

“Oh...”, said the man. “Whose clock is that?”

“That's Mother Teresa’s”, replied St. Peter. “The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”

“Incredible”, said the man. “And whose clock is that one?”

St Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.”

“Where’s Tony Blair’s clock?” asked the man.

St Peter replied, “We are using it as a ceiling fan.”