Monday, 22 September 2014

Positive Attitude

On Thursday night he gradually came to... stiff as a board and in pain in the hospital’s ICU with tubes up his nose & down his throat, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. It was obvious he’d been in a serious accident.

She gave him a deep and steady heartfelt look straight in the eyes and he heard her slowly say, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

He somehow managed to mumble in reply, “Can I feel your tits, then?”

Night Nurse

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. 

When she realises her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted cashier and without missing a beat, she says… “Well, that’s great... some arsehole's got my pen!”

Friday, 5 September 2014

French Wedding

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.

The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman openly admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter was married in the morning to a French man and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt thereafter.

Quite upset, the French policeman proceeds to test his breath for alcohol and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he is going to be arrested.

The Englishman answers with humour, “No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving... on the other side!!”

Thursday, 26 June 2014

Password

Please enter your new password.

"cabbage"


Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

"boiled cabbage"


Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

"1 boiled cabbage"


Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

"50bloodyboiledcabbages"


Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

"50BLOODYboiledcabbages"


Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

"50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse,IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessnow”


Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

“ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArseIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow”


Sorry, that password is already in use!

Saturday, 12 April 2014

Monkey

A man walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them too. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the balls. To everyone’s amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender looks at the bloke and says, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

“No, What?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table… whole!”

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me”, replied the man, “he eats everything in sight. Don’t worry; I’ll pay for the cue ball”.

The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the man is back and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut and again sticks it up his arse, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender asks, “Did you see what your monkey did just now?”

“No, what?” replied the man.

“Well he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his arse, pulled them out and ate them both”, said the bartender.

“Yeah that doesn’t surprise me”, replied the man. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit that cue ball out, he measures everything first now”.


Friday, 28 March 2014

Independence

It was the Scotland vs Wales rugby International weekend in Edinburgh, and as the crowds made their way down Princes Street towards Murrayfield a Rottweiler suddenly lunged towards an eight year old Scottish lass with its jaws wide open ready to attack.

The crowd nearby gasped in horror but, quick as a flash, a man in a red jersey, jumped out of the crowd, grabbed the dog by the throat and throttled it.

As the dead dog lay there and the crowd cheered in admiration, a journalist from 'The Scotsman', who had witnessed the heroic deed, went up to the man and said, "That was brilliant, I can see the headline now".

Welsh Rugby Fan Saves Young Girl From Certain Death

The man replied, "No, you've got it wrong. I'm not here for the rugby!"

"Don't worry", said the journalist, "I can see the headline now".

Welshman Saves Girl From Jaws Of Rottweiler

The man replied, "No, you're wrong again. I'm not Welsh... I'm from London".

The journalist said, "Don't worry; I can see the headline now".

English Bastard Strangles Family Pet
 

Thursday, 27 February 2014

Confession

A man received the following text from his neighbour,

“I am so sorry Bob. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife day and night when you’re not around. In fact, more than you. I’m not getting any at home, but that’s no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t happen again”.
 
The man, feeling anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text from his neighbour arrived…


“Damned autocorrect! I meant Wi-Fi not wife”.