Saturday, 12 April 2014

Monkey

A man walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them too. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the balls. To everyone’s amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender looks at the bloke and says, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

“No, What?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table… whole!”

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me”, replied the man, “he eats everything in sight. Don’t worry; I’ll pay for the cue ball”.

The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the man is back and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut and again sticks it up his arse, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender asks, “Did you see what your monkey did just now?”

“No, what?” replied the man.

“Well he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his arse, pulled them out and ate them both”, said the bartender.

“Yeah that doesn’t surprise me”, replied the man. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit that cue ball out, he measures everything first now”.


Friday, 28 March 2014

Independence

It was the Scotland vs Wales rugby International weekend in Edinburgh, and as the crowds made their way down Princes Street towards Murrayfield a Rottweiler suddenly lunged towards an eight year old Scottish lass with its jaws wide open ready to attack.

The crowd nearby gasped in horror but, quick as a flash, a man in a red jersey, jumped out of the crowd, grabbed the dog by the throat and throttled it.

As the dead dog lay there and the crowd cheered in admiration, a journalist from 'The Scotsman', who had witnessed the heroic deed, went up to the man and said, "That was brilliant, I can see the headline now".

Welsh Rugby Fan Saves Young Girl From Certain Death

The man replied, "No, you've got it wrong. I'm not here for the rugby!"

"Don't worry", said the journalist, "I can see the headline now".

Welshman Saves Girl From Jaws Of Rottweiler

The man replied, "No, you're wrong again. I'm not Welsh... I'm from London".

The journalist said, "Don't worry; I can see the headline now".

English Bastard Strangles Family Pet
 

Thursday, 27 February 2014

Confession

A man received the following text from his neighbour,

“I am so sorry Bob. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife day and night when you’re not around. In fact, more than you. I’m not getting any at home, but that’s no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t happen again”.
 
The man, feeling anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text from his neighbour arrived…


“Damned autocorrect! I meant Wi-Fi not wife”.

Wednesday, 19 February 2014

Free Meal



A Catholic Priest informs his friend, the Rabbi, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants.

He explains to the Rabbi how he does it.

I go in to the restaurant just after 9.00pm, eat several courses slowly, and then linger over some coffee, port and a cigar. By 2.00am they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay the bill. Then I tell him, “I’ve already paid your colleague who has already left and gone home.” Because I am a man of the cloth, they take my word for it, and I leave having had a free meal.

The Rabbi is clearly impressed and replies, “Let’s try it together this evening”.

The Priest books them into a restaurant and come 2.00am they are both still quietly sitting there after having had a very full meal.

Sure enough a waiter comes over and asks them to pay the bill.

The Priest tells the waiter, “I’ve already paid your colleague who has already left and gone home.”

The Rabbi then adds… “And we’re still waiting for the change!”

Tuesday, 16 July 2013

Football in heaven

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, “Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s football there.”

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, “Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favour for you”.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, “Mike…Mike.”

“Who is it?” asks Mike sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Mike…it’s me, Joe.”

“You’re not Joe. Joe just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Joe”, insists the voice.

“Joe! Where are you?”

“In heaven”, replies Joe. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first”, says Mike.

“The good news”, Joe says, “is that there’s football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here too. Better than that, we’re all young again! Better still, it’s always spring time and it never rains or snows. But best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired.”

That’s fantastic”, says Mike. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”

“You’re in the team for this Saturday!!!”


Wednesday, 26 June 2013

Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is.”

The lawyer using sign language, asks Guido, “Where's the money?”

Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn't know what you are talking about.”

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says, “Ask him again or I’ll kill him!”

The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don't tell him.”

Guido trembles and signs back, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.”

The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”

The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”

Tuesday, 11 June 2013

Psychiatrist

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a psychiatrist and told him... “I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared... I think I’m going crazy.”

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year”, said the psychiatrist. “Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”

“How much do you charge?” I asked.

“Eighty pounds per visit”, replied the expert.

“I’ll sleep on it”, I said.

Six months later, he met me on the street. “Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.

“Well, eighty pounds a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for £10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought myself a new car!”

“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed! There isn't anybody under there now!”