Friday, 26 June 2015

Wales

For my Colonial friends, there really is a village in Wales with the name, Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, the only part I can pronounce is the last three syllables… Go-Go- GOK

Lunch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, Anglesey, North Wales...

On a beautiful summer’s day, two American tourists were driving through Wales.

At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, they stopped for lunch.

They said to the waitress, “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us by pronouncing where we are, but very, very, very slowly please?”...

The girl leaned over and said, “Burrr gurrr king.”


Thursday, 25 June 2015

Skipping Mass

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and, realising it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, “You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?”

The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.”

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?”

The Lord smiled and replied, “Who’s he going to tell?”

Tuesday, 31 March 2015

Engineers

Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”

The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, Take what you want.”

The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit.”


Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Engineers -Take Three

A pastor, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, “What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!”

The doctor chimed in, “I don't know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!”

The pastor said, “Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him.”

“Hi John. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren't they?”

The greens keeper replied, “Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.”

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, “That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”

The doctor said, “Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.”

The engineer said, “Why can't these guys play at night?”


Engineers -Take Four

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons; Civil Engineers build targets.


Engineers -Take Five

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”

Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.”

The last said, “Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”


Engineers -Take Six

“Normal people believe that if it isn’t broken, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it isn’t broken, it doesn't have enough features yet.”


Engineers -Take Seven

An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with a wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, “I like both.”

“Both?”

“Yeah”, replied the engineer. “If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.”


Engineers - Take Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.”

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?”

The engineer said, “Look I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a TALKING frog, now that’s cool!”

Monday, 30 March 2015

Army

An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks, “What’s your problem, Soldier?”

“Chronic syphilis, Sir.”

“What treatment are you getting?”

“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”

“What’s your ambition?”

“To get back to the front, Sir.”

“Good man”, says the Major.


He goes to the next bed. “What’s your problem, Soldier?”

“Chronic piles, Sir.”

“What treatment are you getting?”

“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”

“What’s your ambition?”

“To get back to the front, Sir.”

“Good man”, says the Major.


He goes to the next bed. “What’s your problem, Soldier?”

“Chronic gum disease, Sir.”

“What treatment are you getting?”

“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”

“What’s your ambition?”

“To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir.”

Friday, 13 March 2015

Little Billy and Aspirations

A teacher asked the children in her 3rd year class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Little Billy answered first. “I want to start out as an SAS officer, go and fight and return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.”

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this unfortunate response from little Billy, decided not to acknowledge what he said and simply tried to continue with the lesson.

“And how about you, Sarah?”

“I want to be Billy’s tart!”

Thursday, 12 March 2015

Telephone

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.

She picks up… the man looks over at her and listens.

She is speaking in a cheery voice, “Hi, I'm so glad you called.

Really? That's wonderful.

I’m so happy for you.

That sounds terrific.

Great! Thanks.

Okay. Bye bye.”

She hangs up, and the man asks, “Who was that?” 

She replies, “That was my husband… telling me about the great time he’s having on his golf trip with you.”

Wednesday, 11 March 2015

Genie

A man is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.

The man thinks for a moment and says, “I want to live forever.”

“Sorry”, said the genie, “I’m not allowed to grant eternal life.”

“OK then, I want to die after the Government balances the budget and eliminates the debt.”

“You crafty little bastard”, said the genie.