Sunday, 25 January 2015

Camera

The Pope was having a shower.

Although he’s very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the Papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy semen flying through the air.

“Hold on a minute!” said the Pope, “You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!”

“This is my lottery win”, said the photographer. “I’ll be financially secure for life with these photos!”

So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of £2 million.

The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera. Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper.

Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said, “That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?”

Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, “£2 million...”

“TWO MILLION Pounds!” replied the housekeeper. “They must have seen you coming!”

Wednesday, 21 January 2015

Ears

A young man moved from his parents’ home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, “Let’s go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.”

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, “What would you say is my best feature?”

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, “It’s got to be your ears.”
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, “My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my bum is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?”

Clearing his throat, he stammered... “Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... well that was me.”

Wednesday, 19 November 2014

Clocks

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, “What are all those clocks?”

St Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.”

“Oh...”, said the man. “Whose clock is that?”

“That's Mother Teresa’s”, replied St. Peter. “The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”

“Incredible”, said the man. “And whose clock is that one?”

St Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.”

“Where’s Tony Blair’s clock?” asked the man.

St Peter replied, “We are using it as a ceiling fan.”

Tuesday, 18 November 2014

Porridge

A tough old sheep farmer from Scotland gave some good advice to his granddaughter.

He told her that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder onto her porridge every morning.

The granddaughter followed this dictum religiously until her death at the venerable age of 103.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great-great grandchildren and a forty foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

Monday, 17 November 2014

Hospital

A 54-year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked “Is my time up?”

God said, “No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 43 years…? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?”

God replied:

“I didn’t bloody recognise you.”


Tuesday, 11 November 2014

Australian approach

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked, “Do you have any sales experience?”

The young man answered, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.”

The manager liked the Aussie, so he gave him the job. His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, “OK, so how many sales did you make today?”

The Aussie said, “One!”

The manager groaned and continued, “Just one? Our sales average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?”

The Aussie replied, “£124,237.64p.”

The manager choked and exclaimed, “£124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?”

“Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat Department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat. He then didn’t think that his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4”.

The manager, incredulous, said, “You mean to tell me... a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?”

“No, no, no... He came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady Friend and I said... Well, since your weekend’s buggered mate, you might as well go Fishing.”

Monday, 22 September 2014

Positive Attitude

On Thursday night he gradually came to... stiff as a board and in pain in the hospital’s ICU with tubes up his nose & down his throat, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. It was obvious he’d been in a serious accident.

She gave him a deep and steady heartfelt look straight in the eyes and he heard her slowly say, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

He somehow managed to mumble in reply, “Can I feel your tits, then?”