Tuesday, 24 May 2016

Rubbish

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic rubbish bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 note fell out onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Damn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no, no,” said the old lady. “You see; my garden yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really hack me off. It kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, “Why not make the best of it?” So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his cock through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, “O.K., buddy! Give me £20, or off it comes.”

“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”

She says, “Not everybody pays up.”

Monday, 23 May 2016

Little Billy and Gambling

So Little Billy’s teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Billy unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.

One day in class, Billy raises his hand and says, “Teacher, I’ll bet you £50 I can guess what colour your underwear is.”

She replies, “Okay, meet me after class and we’ll settle it.”

But before class ends, she goes to the bathroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the students clear out, Billy makes his guess. “Blue.”

“Nope. You got it wrong,” she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn’t wearing any underwear.

“Well come with me out to my Dad’s car, he’s waiting for me, and I’ll get you the money.”

She follows him out. When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Billy that she wasn’t wearing any underwear.

His dad exclaims, “That mother fucker! He bet me £200 this morning that he’d see your pussy before the end of the day!”

Saturday, 16 April 2016

Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”

The waiter replied, “Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!”

The cowboy said, “What the heck, bring me an order.”

The waiter replied, “I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.”

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.”

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.”

Tuesday, 5 January 2016

Dilemma

A student asked his English Professor, “What is the definition of a dilemma?”

The Professor said, “Well, there’s nothing better than an example to illustrate that”.

“Imagine that you are lying in a big bed with a beautiful aroused young woman on one side and an excited gay man on the other”.

“Which one are you going to turn your back on?”

Monday, 4 January 2016

Speeding

The policeman approaches the driver’s door.

“Is there a problem, Officer?”

The policeman says, “Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?”

The driver responds, “I’d show it to you, but I don’t have one.”

“You don’t have one?”

The man responds, “I lost it four times for drunk driving.”

The policeman is shocked. “I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?”

“I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”

The policeman says, “Why not?”

“I stole this car.”

The officer says, “Stole it?”

The man says, “Yes, and I killed the owner.”

At this point the officer is getting irate. “You what?”

“She’s in the boot if you want to see.”

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, “Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!”

The man steps out of his vehicle. “Is there a problem, sir?”

“One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.”

“Murdered the owner?”

The officer responds, “Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?”

The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, “Is this your car sir?”

The man says, “Yes” and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. “One of my officers has claimed that you do not have a driving licence.”

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. “Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn’t have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.”

The man replies, “I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!”

Monday, 21 December 2015

Tradition

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Tuesday, 1 December 2015

Vicar

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more money.

There is a hush within the congregation.

No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the local town, stands up and proclaims: “If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year and his wife with a Volkswagen Polo to transport their children!”

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, “If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education for all of his children!”

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, “If the Vicar stays, I will give him free sex.”

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her, “Mrs. Jones, you’re a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?”

Agnes’s 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:

“Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ‘Fuck him’”.