Wednesday, 29 June 2016

Cardiac surgeon

A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of an LS 460 when he spotted a well-known cardiac surgeon in his shop.

The cardiac surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”

The cardiac surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I earn £35,000 a year and you earn £1.2 million when you and I are doing basically the same work?”

The cardiac surgeon paused, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic, “Try doing it with the engine running”.

Wednesday, 8 June 2016

Point

One way to get your point across.

A very attractive lady goes up to the bar in a quiet pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

“Actually, no,” the man replied.

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t,” breathes the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues, running her forefingers across the bartender’s lips and shyly popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“What should I tell him?” the bartender manages to ask.

“Tell him,” she whispers, “there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies’ room.”

Wednesday, 1 June 2016

Talking dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale’. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says “So, what’s your story?”

The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so ... I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running ... But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

“Ten dollars,” the guy says.

“Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

“Because he’s a bull-shitter. He’s never been out of the yard.”

Tuesday, 24 May 2016

Rubbish

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic rubbish bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 note fell out onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Damn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no, no,” said the old lady. “You see; my garden yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really hack me off. It kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, “Why not make the best of it?” So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his cock through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, “O.K., buddy! Give me £20, or off it comes.”

“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”

She says, “Not everybody pays up.”

Monday, 23 May 2016

Little Billy and Gambling

So Little Billy’s teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Billy unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.

One day in class, Billy raises his hand and says, “Teacher, I’ll bet you £50 I can guess what colour your underwear is.”

She replies, “Okay, meet me after class and we’ll settle it.”

But before class ends, she goes to the bathroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the students clear out, Billy makes his guess. “Blue.”

“Nope. You got it wrong,” she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn’t wearing any underwear.

“Well come with me out to my Dad’s car, he’s waiting for me, and I’ll get you the money.”

She follows him out. When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Billy that she wasn’t wearing any underwear.

His dad exclaims, “That mother fucker! He bet me £200 this morning that he’d see your pussy before the end of the day!”

Saturday, 16 April 2016

Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”

The waiter replied, “Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!”

The cowboy said, “What the heck, bring me an order.”

The waiter replied, “I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.”

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.”

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.”

Tuesday, 5 January 2016

Dilemma

A student asked his English Professor, “What is the definition of a dilemma?”

The Professor said, “Well, there’s nothing better than an example to illustrate that”.

“Imagine that you are lying in a big bed with a beautiful aroused young woman on one side and an excited gay man on the other”.

“Which one are you going to turn your back on?”