Tuesday, 5 January 2016

Dilemma

A student asked his English Professor, “What is the definition of a dilemma?”

The Professor said, “Well, there’s nothing better than an example to illustrate that”.

“Imagine that you are lying in a big bed with a beautiful aroused young woman on one side and an excited gay man on the other”.

“Which one are you going to turn your back on?”

Monday, 4 January 2016

Speeding

The policeman approaches the driver’s door.

“Is there a problem, Officer?”

The policeman says, “Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?”

The driver responds, “I’d show it to you, but I don’t have one.”

“You don’t have one?”

The man responds, “I lost it four times for drunk driving.”

The policeman is shocked. “I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?”

“I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”

The policeman says, “Why not?”

“I stole this car.”

The officer says, “Stole it?”

The man says, “Yes, and I killed the owner.”

At this point the officer is getting irate. “You what?”

“She’s in the boot if you want to see.”

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, “Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!”

The man steps out of his vehicle. “Is there a problem, sir?”

“One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.”

“Murdered the owner?”

The officer responds, “Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?”

The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, “Is this your car sir?”

The man says, “Yes” and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. “One of my officers has claimed that you do not have a driving licence.”

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. “Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn’t have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.”

The man replies, “I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!”

Monday, 21 December 2015

Tradition

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Tuesday, 1 December 2015

Vicar

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more money.

There is a hush within the congregation.

No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the local town, stands up and proclaims: “If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year and his wife with a Volkswagen Polo to transport their children!”

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, “If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education for all of his children!”

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, “If the Vicar stays, I will give him free sex.”

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her, “Mrs. Jones, you’re a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?”

Agnes’s 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:

“Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ‘Fuck him’”.

Thursday, 26 November 2015

Grandpa

There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table.

The mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa’s drink, and after a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom.

When he returned, however, his trousers are wet all over.

“What happened to you Grandpa?” asked his concerned children.

“Well”, he answered, “I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom. So I took it out and started to piss, but then I saw that it couldn’t be mine... so I put it back!”


Thursday, 19 November 2015

Bullfrogs

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.

After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.

She told the salesman. she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn’t want to spend a fortune.

“Well”, said the salesman, “I have a very large bullfrog. They say it’s been trained to... give blow jobs!”

“Blow jobs!” the woman replied.

“It hasn’t been proven, but we’ve sold 30 of them this month”, he said.

The woman thought it would be a great fun gift, and what if it’s true...

So… She bought the frog.

When she explained the frog’s ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off!... The woman went to bed happy, thinking she would never need perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making fallacious banging and crashing sounds.

She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cook books.

“What are you two doing at this hour?” she asked.

The husband replied, “If I can teach this frog to cook... You’re gone.”

Monday, 16 November 2015

Coffee

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. 

She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. “What’s the matter, dear?” she whispered as she stepped into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night?”

The husband looked up from his coffee. “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?” he asked.

“Yes, I do”, she replied.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. “Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?”

“Yes, I remember”, said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. “Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or spend 20 years in jail?’”

“I remember that too”, she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, “You know... I would have gotten out today.”