Tuesday, 31 March 2015

Engineers

Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”

The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, Take what you want.”

The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit.”


Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Engineers -Take Three

A pastor, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, “What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!”

The doctor chimed in, “I don't know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!”

The pastor said, “Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him.”

“Hi John. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren't they?”

The greens keeper replied, “Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.”

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, “That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”

The doctor said, “Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.”

The engineer said, “Why can't these guys play at night?”


Engineers -Take Four

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons; Civil Engineers build targets.


Engineers -Take Five

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”

Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.”

The last said, “Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”


Engineers -Take Six

“Normal people believe that if it isn’t broken, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it isn’t broken, it doesn't have enough features yet.”


Engineers -Take Seven

An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with a wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, “I like both.”

“Both?”

“Yeah”, replied the engineer. “If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.”


Engineers - Take Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.”

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?”

The engineer said, “Look I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a TALKING frog, now that’s cool!”

Monday, 30 March 2015

Army

An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks, “What’s your problem, Soldier?”

“Chronic syphilis, Sir.”

“What treatment are you getting?”

“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”

“What’s your ambition?”

“To get back to the front, Sir.”

“Good man”, says the Major.


He goes to the next bed. “What’s your problem, Soldier?”

“Chronic piles, Sir.”

“What treatment are you getting?”

“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”

“What’s your ambition?”

“To get back to the front, Sir.”

“Good man”, says the Major.


He goes to the next bed. “What’s your problem, Soldier?”

“Chronic gum disease, Sir.”

“What treatment are you getting?”

“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”

“What’s your ambition?”

“To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir.”

Friday, 13 March 2015

Little Billy and Aspirations

A teacher asked the children in her 3rd year class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Little Billy answered first. “I want to start out as an SAS officer, go and fight and return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.”

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this unfortunate response from little Billy, decided not to acknowledge what he said and simply tried to continue with the lesson.

“And how about you, Sarah?”

“I want to be Billy’s tart!”

Thursday, 12 March 2015

Telephone

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.

She picks up… the man looks over at her and listens.

She is speaking in a cheery voice, “Hi, I'm so glad you called.

Really? That's wonderful.

I’m so happy for you.

That sounds terrific.

Great! Thanks.

Okay. Bye bye.”

She hangs up, and the man asks, “Who was that?” 

She replies, “That was my husband… telling me about the great time he’s having on his golf trip with you.”

Wednesday, 11 March 2015

Genie

A man is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.

The man thinks for a moment and says, “I want to live forever.”

“Sorry”, said the genie, “I’m not allowed to grant eternal life.”

“OK then, I want to die after the Government balances the budget and eliminates the debt.”

“You crafty little bastard”, said the genie.


Tuesday, 10 March 2015

Text

THE TEXT MESSAGE

Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I’ve been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.

The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you, particularly in the mornings after you’ve left for work. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much... I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again.

Regards, Alan.


THE ACTIONS

Bob, feeling anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife twice, killing her instantly. He returned to the lounge where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone to respond to the neighbour’s text and saw he had another message:-

THE REPLY

Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text, I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed, my predictive text changed ‘WiFi’ To ‘Wife’. Technology hey?!?

Hope you saw the funny side of that.

Regards, Alan.

Sunday, 25 January 2015

Camera

The Pope was having a shower.

Although he’s very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the Papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy semen flying through the air.

“Hold on a minute!” said the Pope, “You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!”

“This is my lottery win”, said the photographer. “I’ll be financially secure for life with these photos!”

So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of £2 million.

The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera. Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper.

Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said, “That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?”

Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, “£2 million...”

“TWO MILLION Pounds!” replied the housekeeper. “They must have seen you coming!”