I've no idea what I'll post here at the moment. There may be some humour.
Monday, 24 December 2012
Christmas Eve
A couple were Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last minute shoppers.
Walking through the shopping centre the surprised wife looked up from a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen. She knew they had lots still to do and she became very upset.
She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phone, then used it to call her husband to ask him where he was.
The husband in a calm voice replied, “Darling, do you remember the jewellery shop we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that one day I would get it for you...?”
His wife’s eyes filled with tears of emotion, she began to cry softly and stifling a sob she whispered, “Yes, I remember that jewellery shop...”
“Well”, he said, “I’m in the pub next to it!”
Wednesday, 21 November 2012
Lawyers
Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided their only food.
Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming...
One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, “WOW, I just can’t believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction.”
The lawyer on the ground was most sceptical and said, “You’re hallucinating, you’ve finally lost your mind.”
But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.
The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered; she was alive, warm and breathing.
One said to the other, “You know, we’ve been on this Godforsaken island for months now without a woman. It’s been such a long time. Do you think we should... well... you know... Screw her?”
“Out of WHAT??” asked the other lawyer.
Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming...
One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, “WOW, I just can’t believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction.”
The lawyer on the ground was most sceptical and said, “You’re hallucinating, you’ve finally lost your mind.”
But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.
The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered; she was alive, warm and breathing.
One said to the other, “You know, we’ve been on this Godforsaken island for months now without a woman. It’s been such a long time. Do you think we should... well... you know... Screw her?”
“Out of WHAT??” asked the other lawyer.
Tuesday, 20 November 2012
Rabbit
A man was driving along a country lane and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.
The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the country lane saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. “I feel terrible”, he explained. “I have accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car boot and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can on to the rabbit.
Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again. He then continued to hop along the road for another 50 yards, turned, waved at them both and hopped again for another 50 yards.
The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can. He ran over to the woman and demanded, “What was in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?”
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said:
‘Hair spray restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.’
Tuesday, 13 November 2012
Hooker
A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, “How much do you charge?”
The Hooker replies, “It starts at $500 for a hand-job.”
The guy says, “$500 dollars? For a hand-job? Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!”
The hooker says, “Do you see that Bar on the corner?”
“Yes”
“Do you see the Bar about a block further down?”
“Yes”
“And beyond that, do you see that third Bar?”
“Yes”
“Well”, says the hooker, smiling invitingly, “I own those and I own them because I give a hand-job that’s worth $500.”
So the guy says, “What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try.”
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realising that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, “I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?”
The hooker replies, “$1,500.”
“I wouldn’t pay that for a blow-job!”
The hooker replies, “Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that Casino just across the street? I own that Casino outright and I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500...”
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says, “Sign me up.”
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money’s worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, “How much for some pussy?”
The hooker says, “Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us; all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?”
“Damn!” the guy says, in awe, “You own the whole city?”
“No”, the hooker replies, “but I would... if I had a pussy.”
Tuesday, 6 November 2012
Quickie
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, “As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you’ve wished to do the most.”
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, “Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?”
He asks her, “Shall we?” She eagerly replies, “Oh, yes, let’s! But let’s change positions. This time, I’ll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.”
The angel tells them, “As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you’ve wished to do the most.”
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, “Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?”
He asks her, “Shall we?” She eagerly replies, “Oh, yes, let’s! But let’s change positions. This time, I’ll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.”
Friday, 26 October 2012
Prawns
A woman was sitting on a train opposite a skinhead man who was eating fresh prawns.
Every time he ate one, he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her to deflect it.
He finished the box and threw it out the window.
Seeing this, she had enough and pulled the train’s Emergency Cord.
The skinhead looked at her and said, “You’ll get fined £50 for doing that!”
She laughed and said, “When I cry rape and they smell your fingers, you’ll get 10 years!!”
Every time he ate one, he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her to deflect it.
He finished the box and threw it out the window.
Seeing this, she had enough and pulled the train’s Emergency Cord.
The skinhead looked at her and said, “You’ll get fined £50 for doing that!”
She laughed and said, “When I cry rape and they smell your fingers, you’ll get 10 years!!”
Thursday, 25 October 2012
Weather
It is late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in Mattawa asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets of the tribe. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the Weather Network and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”
“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold”, the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the Weather Network again. “Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?”
“Yes”, the man at the weather service again replied, “it's going to be a very cold winter.”
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the Weather Network again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”
“Absolutely”, the man replied. “It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.”
“How can you be so sure?” the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, “Because the Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood!”
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets of the tribe. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the Weather Network and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”
“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold”, the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the Weather Network again. “Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?”
“Yes”, the man at the weather service again replied, “it's going to be a very cold winter.”
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the Weather Network again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”
“Absolutely”, the man replied. “It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.”
“How can you be so sure?” the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, “Because the Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood!”
Friday, 19 October 2012
Nursing Home
An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather, Abdullah, in a nursing home. All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian nursing home.
After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit grandpa.
“How do you like it here?” asks the grandson.
“It’s wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful”, says grandpa.
“We’re so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone else.”
“Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents”, Abdullah says with a big smile.
“There's a musician here – he’s 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him ‘Maestro’! There is a judge in here – he’s 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him ‘Your Honour’! There’s a dentist here 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him ‘Doctor’! And me - I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me, ‘The Fucking Arab’.”
After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit grandpa.
“How do you like it here?” asks the grandson.
“It’s wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful”, says grandpa.
“We’re so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone else.”
“Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents”, Abdullah says with a big smile.
“There's a musician here – he’s 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him ‘Maestro’! There is a judge in here – he’s 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him ‘Your Honour’! There’s a dentist here 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him ‘Doctor’! And me - I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me, ‘The Fucking Arab’.”
Friday, 12 October 2012
Rindercella
Originally shown on BBC TV back in the 1970's, Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger, though who knows after how many takes it took.
The story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits and shivelling shot.
At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.
The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and digbicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. “Mist all chucking frighty!!!” said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. “Who's fust jarted?” asked the prandsome hince. “Blame that fugly ucker over there!!” said Mary Hinge.
When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!
The story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits and shivelling shot.
At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.
The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and digbicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. “Mist all chucking frighty!!!” said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. “Who's fust jarted?” asked the prandsome hince. “Blame that fugly ucker over there!!” said Mary Hinge.
When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!
Wednesday, 3 October 2012
Banking
Ed Miliband walks into a bank to cash a cheque. “Good morning”, says Ed, “could you please cash this cheque for me?”
Cashier: “It would be my pleasure Sir, but could you please show me some identification?”
Miliband: “Truthfully… I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. But hang on! I’m Ed Miliband, Leader of the Opposition and of the Labour Party!!!”
Cashier: “"Yes Sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers etc, I must insist on seeing some identification”.
Miliband: “Just ask any of the customers here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am!”
Cashier: “I'm sorry Sir, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them”.
Miliband: “I am urging you please, to cash this cheque for me”.
Cashier: “Look Sir, this is what we can do. One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without any ID. To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putter and putted a ball along the floor and into a small cup. With that sort of skill we knew it was Colin Montgomery and we cashed his cheque. On another occasion, Andy Murray came in without any ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and lobbed a tennis ball straight into my teacup with such a spectacular shot that we all knew it was Andy Murray and we cashed his cheque. So Sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you, as the Leader of the Opposition?”
Ed Miliband stood there thinking and thinking and then finally says, “To be honest, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing that I’m any good at.”
Cashier: “Will it be large or small notes you require Mr Miliband?”
Cashier: “It would be my pleasure Sir, but could you please show me some identification?”
Miliband: “Truthfully… I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. But hang on! I’m Ed Miliband, Leader of the Opposition and of the Labour Party!!!”
Cashier: “"Yes Sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers etc, I must insist on seeing some identification”.
Miliband: “Just ask any of the customers here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am!”
Cashier: “I'm sorry Sir, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them”.
Miliband: “I am urging you please, to cash this cheque for me”.
Cashier: “Look Sir, this is what we can do. One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without any ID. To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putter and putted a ball along the floor and into a small cup. With that sort of skill we knew it was Colin Montgomery and we cashed his cheque. On another occasion, Andy Murray came in without any ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and lobbed a tennis ball straight into my teacup with such a spectacular shot that we all knew it was Andy Murray and we cashed his cheque. So Sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you, as the Leader of the Opposition?”
Ed Miliband stood there thinking and thinking and then finally says, “To be honest, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing that I’m any good at.”
Cashier: “Will it be large or small notes you require Mr Miliband?”
Tuesday, 2 October 2012
Bowling
An elderly Scottish Jew has decided to take it a little easier and take up bowls. So he puts his name down at the local club. After a week he receives a message that his application has been turned down. So he goes down to the club to inquire why.
Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish bowls club?
Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish bowls club?
Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are Jock.
Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.
Scot: Aye, so do I.
Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?
Scot: Aye, neither do I.
Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scot: Aye, I be that.
Secretary: So you are circumcised?
Scot: Aye, I be that too.
Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that.
Scot: Ach, away with ye man. I know that ye have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that ye have to be a Catholic to become a Knight of Saint Columbus. But this is the first time I heard that ye have to be a complete prick to join a bowls club.
Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.
Scot: Aye, so do I.
Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?
Scot: Aye, neither do I.
Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scot: Aye, I be that.
Secretary: So you are circumcised?
Scot: Aye, I be that too.
Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that.
Scot: Ach, away with ye man. I know that ye have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that ye have to be a Catholic to become a Knight of Saint Columbus. But this is the first time I heard that ye have to be a complete prick to join a bowls club.
Wednesday, 19 September 2012
Tools Explained
PILLAR DRILL
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, “Oh shit”.
SKILL SAW
A portable cutting tool used to make wooden planks too short.
PLIERS
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
MOLE-GRIPS
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your workshop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, “Oh shit”.
A portable cutting tool used to make wooden planks too short.
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your workshop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
BAND SAW
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most workshops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the rubbish bin after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER
Normally used for stabbing and removing vehicle oil filters and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
HOSE CUTTER
A tool used to make hoses too short.
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most workshops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the rubbish bin after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
Normally used for stabbing and removing vehicle oil filters and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
Tuesday, 18 September 2012
Wise Rabbi
The only cow in a small town in Ukraine stopped giving milk.
The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 Rubles, or one from Minsk for 500 Rubles.
Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.
The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask their wise Rabbi what to do.
They told the Rabbi what was happening. They explained: “Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. Any approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.”
The Rabbi pondered this for a while and asked, “Did you buy this cow from Minsk?”
The people were amazed and dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned to the Rabbi where they had bought the cow from.
“You are truly a wise Rabbi”, they said. “How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?”
The Rabbi answered sadly, “My wife is from Minsk...”
The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 Rubles, or one from Minsk for 500 Rubles.
Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.
The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask their wise Rabbi what to do.
They told the Rabbi what was happening. They explained: “Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. Any approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.”
The Rabbi pondered this for a while and asked, “Did you buy this cow from Minsk?”
The people were amazed and dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned to the Rabbi where they had bought the cow from.
“You are truly a wise Rabbi”, they said. “How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?”
The Rabbi answered sadly, “My wife is from Minsk...”
Tuesday, 4 September 2012
Turpentine
Little Billy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
Little Billy said, “This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it’s called Turpentine.”
The Priest said, “No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman’s belly, she’ll pass a healthy baby.”
Little Billy replied, “If you rub Turpentine on a cat’s arse, he’ll pass a Harley Davidson!”
A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
Little Billy said, “This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it’s called Turpentine.”
The Priest said, “No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman’s belly, she’ll pass a healthy baby.”
Little Billy replied, “If you rub Turpentine on a cat’s arse, he’ll pass a Harley Davidson!”
Monday, 3 September 2012
Parrot
Wanda's dishwasher stopped working, so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll send you a cheque. Oh and by the way don't worry about my dog Spike, he won't bother you.”
"But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
"I must stress to you, do NOT talk to my parrot!!!”
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!”
To which the parrot replied, “Get him Spike!”
"But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
"I must stress to you, do NOT talk to my parrot!!!”
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!”
To which the parrot replied, “Get him Spike!”
Sunday, 2 September 2012
Doctor
One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!”
“Listen mate; don't waste your time down at the surgery”, Mike replies. “There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid... a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points”.
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
“You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks”.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin.
The computer prints the following:
1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping at Tesco... every little helps.
“Listen mate; don't waste your time down at the surgery”, Mike replies. “There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid... a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points”.
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
“You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks”.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin.
The computer prints the following:
1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping at Tesco... every little helps.
Friday, 31 August 2012
Tragedy
David Cameron was visiting a primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
So, our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.
A little boy stood up and offered, “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him; that would be a tragedy.”
“Incorrect”, said Cameron. “That would be an accident.”
A little girl raised her hand, “If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside; that would be a tragedy.”
“I'm afraid not”, explained Cameron, “that's what we would refer to as a great loss”.
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Cameron searched the room. “Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”
Finally, at the back of the room, little Billy raised his hand and said, “If a plane carrying you, Mr Clegg and Mr Milliband was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.”
“Fantastic”, said Mr Cameron, “tell me why that would be a tragedy?”
“Well”, said little Billy, “it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a fucking accident either!”
So, our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.
A little boy stood up and offered, “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him; that would be a tragedy.”
“Incorrect”, said Cameron. “That would be an accident.”
A little girl raised her hand, “If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside; that would be a tragedy.”
“I'm afraid not”, explained Cameron, “that's what we would refer to as a great loss”.
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Cameron searched the room. “Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”
Finally, at the back of the room, little Billy raised his hand and said, “If a plane carrying you, Mr Clegg and Mr Milliband was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.”
“Fantastic”, said Mr Cameron, “tell me why that would be a tragedy?”
“Well”, said little Billy, “it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a fucking accident either!”
Thursday, 30 August 2012
Celebrating
A chicken farmer went to a local bar... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”
“What a coincidence”, the farmer says. “This is a special day for me... I am celebrating”.
“This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!” says the woman.
“What a coincidence!” says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, “What are you celebrating?”
“My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!”
“What a coincidence”, says the man. “I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilised eggs”.
“That's great!” says the woman. “How did your chickens become fertile?”
“I used a different cock”, he replied.
The woman smiled and said, “What a coincidence!”
The woman perks up and says, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”
“What a coincidence”, the farmer says. “This is a special day for me... I am celebrating”.
“This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!” says the woman.
“What a coincidence!” says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, “What are you celebrating?”
“My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!”
“What a coincidence”, says the man. “I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilised eggs”.
“That's great!” says the woman. “How did your chickens become fertile?”
“I used a different cock”, he replied.
The woman smiled and said, “What a coincidence!”
Wednesday, 29 August 2012
Little Billy and the cupboard
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son, Little Billy, comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that Little Billy is in there already.
Little Billy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Little Billy: “I have a football.”
Man: “That's nice.”
Little Billy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Little Billy: “My dad's outside.”
Man: “OK, how much?”
Little Billy: “£150”
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Little Billy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes, it is.”
Little Billy: “I have football boots.”
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”
Little Billy: “£250”
Man: “Sold.”
A few days later, Little Billy’s father says to him, “Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.”
Little Billy says, “I can't, I sold my ball and boots.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
Little Billy: “£400”'
The father says, “That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to the church and the father makes Little Billy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
Little Billy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don't start that again you little shit. You're in my cupboard now!”
Little Billy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Little Billy: “I have a football.”
Man: “That's nice.”
Little Billy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Little Billy: “My dad's outside.”
Man: “OK, how much?”
Little Billy: “£150”
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Little Billy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes, it is.”
Little Billy: “I have football boots.”
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”
Little Billy: “£250”
Man: “Sold.”
A few days later, Little Billy’s father says to him, “Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.”
Little Billy says, “I can't, I sold my ball and boots.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
Little Billy: “£400”'
The father says, “That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to the church and the father makes Little Billy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
Little Billy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don't start that again you little shit. You're in my cupboard now!”
Saturday, 25 August 2012
Jazz Chord
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"
Amazed that this guy knows about Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an 'E' minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts, "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
A bit peed off by this, Stevie being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the 'B' Flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage, "OK smart arse. You get up here and do it!"
The little old Japanese man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the microphone and starts to sing... "A jazz chord to say I ruv you".
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"
Amazed that this guy knows about Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an 'E' minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts, "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
A bit peed off by this, Stevie being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the 'B' Flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage, "OK smart arse. You get up here and do it!"
The little old Japanese man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the microphone and starts to sing... "A jazz chord to say I ruv you".
Wednesday, 22 August 2012
Court Room
A man is in court on a murder charge…
The judge says to a double-murder defendant, "You are charged
with beating your wife to death with a hammer".
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You
bastard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your
mother-in-law to death with a hammer".
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten
bastard!"
The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom. "Sir,
I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more
outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
Thursday, 16 August 2012
Burglar
I woke to go to the toilet
in the middle of the night and noticed a burglar sneaking through next door’s garden.
He was creeping around getting nearer and nearer to the back door when suddenly
my neighbour came from nowhere and began hitting him over the head with a
shovel… killing him instantly.
He then started to dig
a grave with the shovel.
Astonished I got back
into bed.
My wife said, “Darling,
you’re shaking, what is the matter?”
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