The priest in a small village had a rooster and ten hens; he kept in the hen house behind the church.
One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.
He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation, “Has anybody got a cock?”
All the men stood up...
“No, no”, he said, “that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?”
All the women stood up…
“No, no”, he said, “that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?”
Half the women stood up.
“No, no”, he said, “that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?”
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up...
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cosy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, “This is from the gentleman who is seated over there”... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine casually for a few seconds, not looking at the man… then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: “For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million pounds in the bank and 7 inches in your pants”.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
“Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari, Aston Martin, Mercedes and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre mansion in the country. There is over twenty million pounds in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the wine back”.
I could tell he hated me, but I still did the honourable thing yesterday and asked my girlfriend’s father for permission to marry his daughter.
“Never!” he roared, “I wouldn’t want my potential grandchildren to come from the likes of you! It would be better if they died!”
As I got up and left, I replied, “Well you’ll be happy to hear that thousands of them did last night… on your daughter’s face”.
I’ll never forget how happy I was when I saw my wife walking down the aisle towards me.
My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age, but eventually there she was, stood beside me.
I gave her a cheeky wink and said, “Get that trolley here love; they’re doing three cases of Stella for the price of two!”
A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks, “Excuthe me do you have any widdle wabbits?”
The shop keeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and says, “Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there?”
The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, leans forward and whispers… “I don’t wealy fink my pyfon gives a phuc”.
A wife gets home from work to find her husband watching the football again.
She said, “I’m leaving you. All you do is talk about football and that’s all you think about. Also, I’m seeing someone else. He’s younger than you, more handsome, tender and understanding. He always treats me like a lady, has a 12” cock and shags me every day”.
“Really?” the husband replies, “What team does he support?”
I was telling a woman in my local pub about my uncanny ability to guess what day a woman was born on, simply by feeling their breasts.
“Really, I don’t believe you”, she said, “Go on then… try it on me”.
After about a minute of fondling her magnificent breasts, she seemed to be losing patience with me.
“Come on then”, she demanded, “What day was I born on?”
I replied, “Yesterday!”
Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.
Suddenly, a cow walks out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.
Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur, “You get out and check, you were driving!”
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
“You were driving; go and tell the farmer”, says Cherie.
Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.
“My god, what happened to you?” asks Cherie.
The chauffeur replies, “When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.”
“What on earth did you say?” asks Cherie.
“I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them”... “I'm Cherie Blair's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow”.
A girl sneezed in the pub and her eye flew out and landed in my hand. I took it back to her and we started chatting.
After a few beers and a bit of flirting, I took her home and shagged her all night.
I asked her, “Do you shag everyone on the first date?”
She replied, “No, only those that catch my eye.”
Paul, Phil and Dave were sitting around a camp fire, discussing who was the hardest.
Paul said, “I’ve killed a bear with my bare hands”.
Phil said, “I’ve wrestled two adult crocodiles, gouged their eyes out and killed them both”.
Dave just sat there calmly, saying nothing, poking the fire with his cock.
Stew died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Mick and Paddy.
The three men had always done everything together.
Mick arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Mick said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”
The mortician rolled him over and Mick said, “Nope, it’s not Stew.”
The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Paddy in to confirm the identity of the body.
Paddy looked at the body and said, “Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.”
The mortician rolled him over and Paddy said, “No, it’s not Stew.”
The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”
Paddy said, “Well, Stew had two arseholes.”
“What? He had two arseholes?” asked the mortician.
“Yup, we never seen them, but everybody used to say: There's Stew with them two arseholes.”
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.... "You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?" "Well, here it comes."
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door; she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked, “What in the world are you doing?”
The daughter replied, “Mum, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.”
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, “Dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband... Please, go away and leave me alone.”
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room.
She entered the living room and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV... The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked, “What the fuck are you doing?”
The husband replied, “I'm watching football with my son-in-law.”
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, “Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.
The first nun says, “I want to be Sophia Loren”, And *poof* she's gone.
The second says, “'I want to be Madonna”, and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, “I want to be Sara Pipalini.”
St Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he asks.
“Sara Pipalini”, replies the nun.
St Peter shakes his head and says, “I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell.”
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St Peter.
St Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, “No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.”
A 72-year-old man goes for a medical examination. All of his tests come back normal so the doctor says, "Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible!" the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife. "Mrs White", he says, "Harry is doing fine, but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?"
"OH GOOD GRIEF!" Mrs White exclaims, "He's pissing in the fridge again!"
Dai had proposed to Megan and been accepted.
"But," added Megan, “before we get married I must tell you something dreadful about my past life."
"No", said Dai, "I won't hear of it. You can tell me after we're married."
After they were married and had set off for their honeymoon in Penarth, Megan again brought up the subject of her ‘dreadful secret’.
"No", said Dai, "it can wait. Tell me when we're in bed together, that'll be soon enough."
That night as they got into bed Megan declared "Well, Dai, now I really do have to tell you my secret. You see, I'm a virgin.”
Dai didn't say a word, but put on his clothes and travelled all the way back to his mother's house.
"Dai!" said his mother, "what are you doing here, you're supposed to be on your honeymoon."
"It's no good", said Dai, "I've had to leave Megan; it turns out she's a virgin."
"Well, Dai", said his mother, "in that case you were quite right to come home. If she's not good enough for the rest of the village she's not good enough for you."
