Conversation in Heaven

SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.

WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How did you die?

SYLVIA: I froze to death.

WANDA: How horrible!

SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA: So, what happened?

WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive.

Wine

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine.


Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip had been a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

“What in bag?” asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, “It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.”

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: “Good trade.....”

Foursome

A bloke goes to a chemist and states, “I’ve got three gorgeous girls coming around tonight… I need something to keep me well horny”.

The chemist gives him three boxes of Viagara ‘Extra Strength’.

The next day the man limps back to the chemist shop and shows him his cock. It’s black and blue, skin hanging off, it’s absolutely red raw.

The man asks the chemist, “Give me a bottle of ‘Deep Heat’ please”

The chemist replies in horror, “You can’t put ‘Deep Heat’ on that!”

The man replies, “No, it’s for my arm… the girls didn’t turn up!”

Sharks

Why sharks circle before attacking...

Two great white sharks are swimming in the ocean and spy survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son", the father shark said to the son shark, and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing". And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing". And they did.

"Now we eat everybody". And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because son, they taste better without the shit inside!"

Cancelled flight

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled at Glasgow Airport after Virgin's 747s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.

He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS”.

The Glasgow lassie, wee Jeanie, who was the attendant replied, “I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.”

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?”

Without hesitating, wee Jeanie smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: “May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please”, she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal – “we have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.”

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, “Fuck You!”

Without flinching, wee Jeanie smiled and said, “I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.”

Crabs

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. 

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. 

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are. 

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

Euro according to Blackadder

Baldrick: "What I want to know Sir is, before there was a Euro there were lots of different types of money that different people used. And now there's only one type of money that the foreign people use. And what I want to know is, how did we get from one state of affairs to the other state of affairs"

Blackadder: "Baldrick. Do you mean, how did the Euro start?"

Baldrick: "Yes Sir"

Blackadder: "Well, you see Baldrick, back in the 1980s there were many different countries all running their own finances and using different types of money. On one side you had the major economies of France, Belgium, Holland and Germany, and on the other, the weaker nations of Spain, Greece, Ireland, Italy and Portugal. They got together and decided that it would be much easier for everyone if they could all use the same money, have one Central Bank, and belong to one large club where everyone would be happy. This meant that there could never be a situation whereby financial meltdown would lead to social unrest, wars and crises".

Baldrick: "But this is sort of a crisis, isn't it Sir?"

Blackadder: "That's right Baldrick. You see, there was only one slight flaw with the plan".

Baldrick: "What was that then, Sir?"

Blackadder: "It was bollocks".