Tradition

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Vicar

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more money.

There is a hush within the congregation.

No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the local town, stands up and proclaims: “If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year and his wife with a Volkswagen Polo to transport their children!”

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, “If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education for all of his children!”

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, “If the Vicar stays, I will give him free sex.”

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her, “Mrs. Jones, you’re a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?”

Agnes’s 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:

“Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ‘Fuck him’”.

Grandpa

There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table.

The mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa’s drink, and after a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom.

When he returned, however, his trousers are wet all over.

“What happened to you Grandpa?” asked his concerned children.

“Well”, he answered, “I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom. So I took it out and started to piss, but then I saw that it couldn’t be mine... so I put it back!”

Bullfrogs

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.

After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.

She told the salesman. she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn’t want to spend a fortune.

“Well”, said the salesman, “I have a very large bullfrog. They say it’s been trained to... give blow jobs!”

“Blow jobs!” the woman replied.

“It hasn’t been proven, but we’ve sold 30 of them this month”, he said.

The woman thought it would be a great fun gift, and what if it’s true...

So… She bought the frog.

When she explained the frog’s ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off!... The woman went to bed happy, thinking she would never need perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making fallacious banging and crashing sounds.

She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cook books.

“What are you two doing at this hour?” she asked.

The husband replied, “If I can teach this frog to cook... You’re gone.”

Coffee

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. 

She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. “What’s the matter, dear?” she whispered as she stepped into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night?”

The husband looked up from his coffee. “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?” he asked.

“Yes, I do”, she replied.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. “Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?”

“Yes, I remember”, said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. “Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or spend 20 years in jail?’”

“I remember that too”, she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, “You know... I would have gotten out today.”

Wall

A female BBC journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

“Pardon me, sir, I’m Rebecca Smith from BBC. What’s your name?”

“Morris Feinberg”, he replied.

“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?”

“For about 60 years.”

“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”

“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man. I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests.” And finally “I pray that everyone will be happy”.

“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”

“Like I’m talking to a fucking wall”.

HMRC

At the end of the tax year, the HMRC sent an inspector to audit a local hospital.

While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”

“Good question”, noted the CEO. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company, and every once in a while they send us a free roll.”

“Oh”, replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went in his obnoxious way, “What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?”

“Ah, yes”, replied the CEO, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster.”

“I see”, replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CEO. “Well, what do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?”

“Here, too, we do not waste”, answered the CEO. “What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the HMRC office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick.”

Little Billy and words

A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with “tor” and that also ate things.

The first little boy said, “Alligator.”

“Very good James, that’s a big word.”

The second boy said, “Predator.”

“Yes, that’s another big word Alan. Very well done.”

Little Billy says, “Vibrator.”

After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says, “That is a big word Billy, but it doesn’t eat anything.”

“Well my mother has one and she says it eats fucking batteries like there’s no tomorrow!”

Cemetery music

A tourist in Vienna is walking through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads, “Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827”.

Then he realises that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backwards! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.

When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backwards.

Just then the graveyard’s caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

“I would have thought it was obvious”, the caretaker says... “He’s decomposing.”

Gynaecologist

A man went to Harley Street in London, having seen an advert for a Gynaecologist’s Assistant.

Knowing that nowadays, job advertisers aren’t able to discriminate against the applicant’s gender, he was very interested, so he went in and asked the secretary for details.

She retrieved the file and read to him, “This job entails preparing ladies for the Gynaecologist. You will be responsible for helping them out of their underwear, laying them down and carefully washing their private areas, applying shaving foam to the necessary parts and removing all unwanted foliage, and finally, you’ll be required to rub in soothing oils, in preparation for the Gynaecologist’s examination.”

Then she told him, “The annual salary is £65,000 and if you’re interested, you’ll have to go to Aberdeen”.

“My goodness!”, exclaimed the man, “Is that where the job is?”

She answered, “No, that’s where the end of the queue is...”

Lawyer

A London lawyer representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client. “Sam, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.”

The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today and she informed me that she invested £5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of £15-20 million. I think she could be right.”

Sam replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”

The lawyer replied, “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”

Sven

Sven was recounting his war experiences on the local radio station.

“So, dere I vas, flyin’ over France, mindin’ my own business. Suddenly, one o’ dem Jerman Fokkers dives at me out of the sun, guns blazing. Well, I engaged him in an aerial battle, got behind him and shot that Fokker down.”

The radio announcer broke in and said, “For those of you in our audience who are unfamiliar with warplanes, the Germans in World War One flew a plane known as the ‘Fokker’. The Red Baron is probably the best known flying ace who flew one... Back to you, Sven.”

“Ya, Ya”, said Sven. “Dat’s right. But dis vas World War Two and dem Jerman Fokkers vas driving Messerschmitts.”

Drunk

There’s a pounding on the door…

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

“Not a chance”, says the husband, “it’s 3am in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife.

“Just some drunk guy asking for a push”, he answers.

“Did you help him?” she asks.

“No I did not, it’s 3 in the morning and it’s friggin’ well pouring rain out there!”

“Well, you have a short memory”, says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know.”

The man does as he’s told, gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”

“Yes”, comes back the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.

“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here on the swing”, replies the drunk.

Bear Removal

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough... there’s an ad for “Bear Removers.”

He calls the number and the man says he’ll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old dog.

“What are you going to do?” the homeowner asks.

“I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and I’ll knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the dog is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.”

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

“What's the shotgun for?” asks the homeowner.

“If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”

Security levels

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved”. Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross”. The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance”. The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards”. They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender”. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout loudly and excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing”. Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides”.

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs”. They also have two higher levels: “Invade a neighbour” and “Lose”.

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Vacancy

Murphy applied for a fork lift operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin.

A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and were then led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, “Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Norwegian the job.”

Murphy: “And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job.”

Manager: “We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong.”

Murphy: “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?”

Manager: “Simple; on question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down, ‘I don’t know.’ You wrote down, ‘Neither do I.’”

Little Billy and Sex education

The teacher walked into the fifth grade sex education class and said, “Okay, today students we will be talking about the male penis. Can any of you explain what that is?”

Little Billy at the back of the classroom was waving his arm.

The teacher points to him and says, “Do you know what I’m talking about Billy?”

“Yes, ma’am I do. My daddy has two penises", he says.

“What!?” the teacher says. “What do you mean your daddy has two penises?”

“Well ma’am, yes he does. He has a small one that he pees with and a big one that he brushes the babysitter’s teeth with.”

Lance corporals

Two old boys, Mick & Paddy, have been promoted from Privates to Lance corporals.

Not long afterward, they’re out for a walk and Mick says, “Hey, Paddy, there’s the NCO Club; let’s you and me step in.”

“But we’re only privates”, protests Paddy.

“We’re Lance corporals now”, says Mick, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside. “Now, Paddy, I’m a-gonna sit down and have me a drink.”

“But we’re privates”, says Paddy.

“You blind, boy?” asks Mick, pointing again at his stripe. “We’re Lance corporals!”

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a one of the Army lasses comes up to Mick. “You’re cute”, she says, “and I’d like to date you, but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhoea.”

Mick pulls his friend to the side and whispers, “Paddy, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means. If it’s okay, give me the okay sign.”

So Paddy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Mick the big thumbs up.

Three weeks later Mick is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea. Mick says to Paddy, “Why the hell did you give me the thumbs up?”

“Well Mick, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates.” Pointing to his stripe, he says… “and we’re Lance corporals!”

Cowboy

A cowboy from Montana appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing”, the cowboy offered. 

“On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, Now, back off or I’ll kick the shit out of all of you!”

St. Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”

“Couple of minutes ago.”

Colonel

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, “You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, He's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.”

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. “Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself.”

“Well, sir, I graduated with the Sword of Honour from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I’ve represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the horse riding part of the Olympics. I have researched the history of...”

At that point, the colonel interrupted, “Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fuck off.”

Wales

For my Colonial friends, there really is a village in Wales with the name, Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, the only part I can pronounce is the last three syllables… Go-Go- GOK

Lunch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, Anglesey, North Wales...

On a beautiful summer’s day, two American tourists were driving through Wales.

At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, they stopped for lunch.

They said to the waitress, “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us by pronouncing where we are, but very, very, very slowly please?”...

The girl leaned over and said, “Burrr gurrr king.”

Skipping Mass

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and, realising it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, “You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?”

The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.”

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?”

The Lord smiled and replied, “Who’s he going to tell?”

Engineers

Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”

The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, Take what you want.”

The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit.”


Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Engineers -Take Three

A pastor, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, “What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!”

The doctor chimed in, “I don't know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!”

The pastor said, “Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him.”

“Hi John. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren't they?”

The greens keeper replied, “Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.”

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, “That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”

The doctor said, “Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.”

The engineer said, “Why can't these guys play at night?”


Engineers -Take Four

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons; Civil Engineers build targets.


Engineers -Take Five

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”

Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.”

The last said, “Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”


Engineers -Take Six

“Normal people believe that if it isn’t broken, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it isn’t broken, it doesn't have enough features yet.”


Engineers -Take Seven

An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with a wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, “I like both.”

“Both?”

“Yeah”, replied the engineer. “If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.”


Engineers - Take Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.”

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?”

The engineer said, “Look I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a TALKING frog, now that’s cool!”

Army

An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks, “What’s your problem, Soldier?”

“Chronic syphilis, Sir.”

“What treatment are you getting?”

“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”

“What’s your ambition?”

“To get back to the front, Sir.”

“Good man”, says the Major.


He goes to the next bed. “What’s your problem, Soldier?”

“Chronic piles, Sir.”

“What treatment are you getting?”

“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”

“What’s your ambition?”

“To get back to the front, Sir.”

“Good man”, says the Major.


He goes to the next bed. “What’s your problem, Soldier?”

“Chronic gum disease, Sir.”

“What treatment are you getting?”

“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”

“What’s your ambition?”

“To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir.”

Little Billy and Aspirations

A teacher asked the children in her 3rd year class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Little Billy answered first. “I want to start out as an SAS officer, go and fight and return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.”

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this unfortunate response from little Billy, decided not to acknowledge what he said and simply tried to continue with the lesson.

“And how about you, Sarah?”

“I want to be Billy’s tart!”

Telephone

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.

She picks up… the man looks over at her and listens.

She is speaking in a cheery voice, “Hi, I'm so glad you called.

Really? That's wonderful.

I’m so happy for you.

That sounds terrific.

Great! Thanks.

Okay. Bye bye.”

She hangs up, and the man asks, “Who was that?” 

She replies, “That was my husband… telling me about the great time he’s having on his golf trip with you.”

Genie

A man is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.

The man thinks for a moment and says, “I want to live forever.”

“Sorry”, said the genie, “I’m not allowed to grant eternal life.”

“OK then, I want to die after the Government balances the budget and eliminates the debt.”

“You crafty little bastard”, said the genie.

Text

THE TEXT MESSAGE

Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I’ve been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.

The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you, particularly in the mornings after you’ve left for work. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much... I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again.

Regards, Alan.


THE ACTIONS

Bob, feeling anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife twice, killing her instantly. He returned to the lounge where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone to respond to the neighbour’s text and saw he had another message:-

THE REPLY

Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text, I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed, my predictive text changed ‘WiFi’ To ‘Wife’. Technology hey?!?

Hope you saw the funny side of that.

Regards, Alan.

Camera

The Pope was having a shower.

Although he’s very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the Papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy semen flying through the air.

“Hold on a minute!” said the Pope, “You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!”

“This is my lottery win”, said the photographer. “I’ll be financially secure for life with these photos!”

So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of £2 million.

The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera. Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper.

Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said, “That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?”

Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, “£2 million...”

“TWO MILLION Pounds!” replied the housekeeper. “They must have seen you coming!”

Ears

A young man moved from his parents’ home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, “Let’s go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.”

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, “What would you say is my best feature?”

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, “It’s got to be your ears.”

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, “My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my bum is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?”

Clearing his throat, he stammered... “Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... well that was me.”