Tragedy

David Cameron was visiting a primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So, our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered, “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him; that would be a tragedy.”

“Incorrect”, said Cameron. “That would be an accident.”

A little girl raised her hand, “If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside; that would be a tragedy.”

“I'm afraid not”, explained Cameron, “that's what we would refer to as a great loss”.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Cameron searched the room. “Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”

Finally, at the back of the room, little Billy raised his hand and said, “If a plane carrying you, Mr Clegg and Mr Milliband was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.”

“Fantastic”, said Mr Cameron, “tell me why that would be a tragedy?”

“Well”, said little Billy, “it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a fucking accident either!”

Celebrating

A chicken farmer went to a local bar... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”

“What a coincidence”, the farmer says. “This is a special day for me... I am celebrating”.

“This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!” says the woman.

“What a coincidence!” says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, “What are you celebrating?”

“My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!”

“What a coincidence”, says the man. “I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilised eggs”.

“That's great!” says the woman. “How did your chickens become fertile?”

“I used a different cock”, he replied.

The woman smiled and said, “What a coincidence!”

Little Billy and the cupboard

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son, Little Billy, comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that Little Billy is in there already.

Little Billy says, “Dark in here.”

The man says, “Yes, it is.”

Little Billy: “I have a football.”

Man: “That's nice.”

Little Billy: “Want to buy it?”

Man: “No, thanks.”

Little Billy: “My dad's outside.”

Man: “OK, how much?”

Little Billy: “£150”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Little Billy: “Dark in here.”

Man: “Yes, it is.”

Little Billy: “I have football boots.”

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”

Little Billy: “£250”

Man: “Sold.”

A few days later, Little Billy’s father says to him, “Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.”

Little Billy says, “I can't, I sold my ball and boots.”

The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”

Little Billy: “£400”'

The father says, “That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to the church and the father makes Little Billy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

Little Billy says, “Dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don't start that again you little shit. You're in my cupboard now!”

Jazz Chord

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an 'E' minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.

When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The little old man jumps up again and shouts, "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

A bit peed off by this, Stevie being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the 'B' Flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage, "OK smart arse. You get up here and do it!"

The little old Japanese man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the microphone and starts to sing... "A jazz chord to say I ruv you".

Court Room

A man is in court on a murder charge…

The judge says to a double-murder defendant, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer".

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer".

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom. "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The man in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry Your Honour, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that arsehole and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one”.

Burglar

I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a burglar sneaking through next door’s garden. He was creeping around getting nearer and nearer to the back door when suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and began hitting him over the head with a shovel… killing him instantly.

He then started to dig a grave with the shovel.

Astonished I got back into bed.

My wife said, “Darling, you’re shaking, what is the matter?”

“You’ll never believe what I’ve just seen”, I said, “That twat next door has still got my fucking shovel!”

Water

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only £10."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK", said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead and said, "Your fucking brother won't let me in without a tie!"

Urinal

I was standing at a urinal earlier today and next to me there was a midget also taking a piss.

I noticed he was winking at me, so I looked away.

I turned and looked again and he was winking at me like crazy!

Disturbed by this, I said, “Do you fancy me or something?”

He replied, “No, you’re splashing my eyes you bastard”.