Cardiologist's Funeral

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life... 

A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever...

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, “I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynaecologist!"

Armani Shoes

Luigi walks a mile to work every day and passes a shoe shop twice every day. Each day, he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about. 

After about 2 months, he saves the price of the shoes, £300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night, the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time. He asks Sophia to dance and, as they dance, he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"

Startled, Sophia replies, "Yes, Luigi. I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?"

Luigi answers, "I see the reflection in my new £300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?"

Next, he asks Rosa to dance and, after a few minutes, he asks, "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?"

Rosa answers, "Yes, Luigi. I do, but how do you know that?"

He replies, "I see the reflection in my new £300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?"

Now, as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luigi asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance, his face turns red.

He states, "Carmela, be stilla my heart. Please, please tella me you wear no panties tonight. Please, please, tella me this true!!"

Carmela smiles coyly and answers, "Yes, Luigi. I a wear no panties tonight!"

Luigi gasps, "Thanka God ...I thoughta I had a CRACK ina my £300 Armani leather shoes!"

Financial crisis

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, “'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey has died.”

Paddy replied, “Well then just give me my money back.”

The farmer said, “Can't do that. I've already spent it.”

Paddy said, “'OK, just bring me the dead donkey.”

The farmer asked, “What are you going to do with him?”

Paddy said, “I'm going to raffle him off.”

The farmer said, “You can't raffle a dead donkey!”

Paddy said, “Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.”

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, “What happened with that dead donkey?”

Paddy said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £998.”

The farmer said, “Didn't anyone complain?”

Paddy said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.”

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland.

Missing employee

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper, “Hello?”

“Is your daddy home?” he asked.

“Yes”, whispered the small voice.

“May I talk with him?” he asked.

The child whispered, “No”.

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mummy there?”

“Yes”, the child whispered.

“May I talk with her?”

Again the small voice whispered, “No”.

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?”

“Yes”, whispered the child, “a policeman.”

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”

“No, he's busy”, whispered the child.

“Busy doing what?”

“Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman”, came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”

“A helicopter”, answered the whispering voice.

“What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed a helicopter”.

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... “Me!”

Lady on a Cruise

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam…I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know", said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

Greek philosophy

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Plato?"

"Wait a moment", Socrates replied, "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

“Triple Filter Test?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right", Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Plato, let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No", the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right", said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Plato something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So", Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Plato that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Plato going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well", concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.

New job

There is a factory in Essex which makes the ‘Tickle Me Elmo’ toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Shell is hired at the ‘Tickle Me Elmo’ factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are ‘Tickle Me Elmo's’ all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Shell surrounded by mountains of ‘Tickle Me Elmo's’. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Shell. “I'm sorry”, he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, “but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...”

“Your job is to give Elmo two ‘test’ tickles.”

Using Dad's car

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son. “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.”

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.”

The boy said, “You know Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”

To this his father replied, “Did you also notice they walked everywhere they went?”

Marriage and sharing

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He un-wrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. 

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink; his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, “That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said, “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.”

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, “What is it you are waiting for?”

She answered…….. “THE TEETH.”

Football sex

A bloke was watching Match of the Day when his wife came into the lounge and said, “Fancy a shag babe?”

He replied, “After the football love.”

She said, “You do realise that you can record it, don’t you?”

He replied, “Excellent! Nice one... you go and get the camcorder and I’ll come upstairs after the footy has finished.”

Bee sting

A lady went to the doctors with a very swollen nose and said, “Doctor, can you help me? A bee sat on my nose.”

The doctor said, “Do you mean a bee stung your nose, because it’s very swollen?”

The lady replied, “No the bee definitely sat on my nose... then my husband hit it with a shovel!”

Confessional box

A bloke goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. 

There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in: "Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".

Pub toast

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" 

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" 

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Uncle Marvo

Little Billy is excited because the circus has come to town and his mum has got front row tickets for him. Finally the evening comes and Little Billy and his mum go off to the big top.

Little Billy sits there and enjoys the lions, the tigers, the jugglers and the trapeze artists. Finally out come Little Billy’s favourites, the clowns.

Little Billy loves the clowns and their humorous japes until one of the clowns comes up to him and says, “Little boy are you the front end of an ass?”

“No”, replies little Billy.

“Are you the rear end of an ass?” the clown asks.

“No”, replies little Billy again.

“In that case”, says the clown, “you must be no end of an ass!”

Little Billy is distraught and he runs out of the circus and all the way home in tears. When his mum catches up with him she says, “Little Billy don't worry, your Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, is coming to stay tomorrow. We will take him to the circus and he will sort that nasty clown out.”

At this news, Little Billy cheers up and looks forward to the next evening.

The next night comes and, sure enough, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, arrives and the three of them set off for the circus. When they get there Little Billy, his mum and Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, sit down and enjoy the lions, the tigers, the jugglers and the trapeze artists. Then the clowns begin their performance.

Again Little Billy is enjoying their antics and yet again one of the clowns comes up to him and says, “Little boy are you the front end of an ass?” 

Little Billy looks at his Uncle Marvo. Quick as a flash, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, jumps up and shouts at the very top of his voice:

“Fuck off you red nosed cunt!!”

Dining out

I took this lovely girl out for a meal last night on a first date.

We sat down and she proceeded to order the most expensive dishes on the menu.

I asked her, “Does your mother feed you like that at home?”

She replied, “No… but my mother’s not expecting to get a blow job later!”

I said, “Good point… enjoy your meal!”

Fireman's bells

A Fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire engine, ready to go.”

"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed and when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night.”

The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled, "BELL 2!" the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!" they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"

"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

"Roll out more hose", she replied, "You’re nowhere near the fire!"

Papa and Vinnie

An old Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: 

 
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.

I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love,
Papa
 
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
 
Dear Papa,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
 
Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,
Vinnie

Dai and Evan

Two Welsh blokes go out for a drink in London. They are quite drunk and end up in the Soho district.

It’s not too long before they lose each other in Soho. Dai then goes in search of his mate Evan.

He comes across a man crossing the road and asks, “Have you seen my mate Evan?” The gentleman replies, “Sorry I haven’t.”

He staggers along the road a little bit more and meets a charming couple. He asks them, “Have you seen Evan?” They in turn reply, “I’m sorry we haven’t”.

Dai then walks along the road in Soho and comes across a young lady stood in a shop doorway; with a skirt so short you can see what she has had for breakfast!

Dai asked her, “Do you know where Evan is?”

She replied in a husky voice, “Come with me and I’ll show you ‘eaven!”

Dai said, “Brilliant... I’ve been looking for him for ages.”

Dai followed her up the stairs until they reached the top, when she turned to him and said, “Heaven’s in here”.

Dai then said, “How did he end up here?”

The young lady then proceeded to take all of her clothes off, lay on the bed; open her legs as wide as she possibly could, pointed between her legs and said, “There you go... there’s heaven!”

Dai took one hard long stare and said, “Nooo, Evan’s a bigger cunt than that!”

Stella

A bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything... except Stella.

Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?"

Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was fucking skint."

Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."

Bloke replies, "Skint is my dog!"

Morning sex

The wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."