Sven was recounting his war experiences on the local radio station.
“So, dere I vas, flyin’ over France, mindin’ my own business. Suddenly, one o’ dem Jerman Fokkers dives at me out of the sun, guns blazing. Well, I engaged him in an aerial battle, got behind him and shot that Fokker down.”
The radio announcer broke in and said, “For those of you in our audience who are unfamiliar with warplanes, the Germans in World War One flew a plane known as the ‘Fokker’. The Red Baron is probably the best known flying ace who flew one... Back to you, Sven.”
“Ya, Ya”, said Sven. “Dat’s right. But dis vas World War Two and dem Jerman Fokkers vas driving Messerschmitts.”
There’s a pounding on the door…
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance”, says the husband, “it’s 3am in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.
“Who was that?” asked his wife.
“Just some drunk guy asking for a push”, he answers.
“Did you help him?” she asks.
“No I did not, it’s 3 in the morning and it’s friggin’ well pouring rain out there!”
“Well, you have a short memory”, says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know.”
The man does as he’s told, gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes”, comes back the answer.
“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing”, replies the drunk.
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough... there’s an ad for “Bear Removers.”
He calls the number and the man says he’ll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old dog.
“What are you going to do?” the homeowner asks.
“I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and I’ll knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the dog is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.”
He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
“What's the shotgun for?” asks the homeowner.
“If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved”. Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross”. The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance”. The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards”. They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender”. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout loudly and excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing”. Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides”.
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs”. They also have two higher levels: “Invade a neighbour” and “Lose”.
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Murphy applied for a fork lift operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin.
A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and were then led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
The manager went to Murphy and said, “Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Norwegian the job.”
Murphy: “And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job.”
Manager: “We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong.”
Murphy: “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?”
Manager: “Simple; on question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down, ‘I don’t know.’ You wrote down, ‘Neither do I.’”
The teacher walked into the fifth grade sex education class and said, “Okay, today students we will be talking about the male penis. Can any of you explain what that is?”
Little Billy at the back of the classroom was waving his arm.
The teacher points to him and says, “Do you know what I’m talking about Billy?”
“Yes, ma’am I do. My daddy has two penises", he says.
“What!?” the teacher says. “What do you mean your daddy has two penises?”
“Well ma’am, yes he does. He has a small one that he pees with and a big one that he brushes the babysitter’s teeth with.”
Two old boys, Mick & Paddy, have been promoted from Privates to Lance corporals.
Not long afterward, they’re out for a walk and Mick says, “Hey, Paddy, there’s the NCO Club; let’s you and me step in.”
“But we’re only privates”, protests Paddy.
“We’re Lance corporals now”, says Mick, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside. “Now, Paddy, I’m a-gonna sit down and have me a drink.”
“But we’re privates”, says Paddy.
“You blind, boy?” asks Mick, pointing again at his stripe. “We’re Lance corporals!”
So they have their drink, and pretty soon a one of the Army lasses comes up to Mick. “You’re cute”, she says, “and I’d like to date you, but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhoea.”
Mick pulls his friend to the side and whispers, “Paddy, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means. If it’s okay, give me the okay sign.”
So Paddy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Mick the big thumbs up.
Three weeks later Mick is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea. Mick says to Paddy, “Why the hell did you give me the thumbs up?”
“Well Mick, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates.” Pointing to his stripe, he says… “and we’re Lance corporals!”
