I've no idea what I'll post here at the moment. There may be some humour.
Monday, 24 December 2012
Christmas Eve
A couple were Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last minute shoppers.
Walking through the shopping centre the surprised wife looked up from a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen. She knew they had lots still to do and she became very upset.
She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phone, then used it to call her husband to ask him where he was.
The husband in a calm voice replied, “Darling, do you remember the jewellery shop we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that one day I would get it for you...?”
His wife’s eyes filled with tears of emotion, she began to cry softly and stifling a sob she whispered, “Yes, I remember that jewellery shop...”
“Well”, he said, “I’m in the pub next to it!”
Wednesday, 21 November 2012
Lawyers
Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided their only food.
Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming...
One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, “WOW, I just can’t believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction.”
The lawyer on the ground was most sceptical and said, “You’re hallucinating, you’ve finally lost your mind.”
But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.
The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered; she was alive, warm and breathing.
One said to the other, “You know, we’ve been on this Godforsaken island for months now without a woman. It’s been such a long time. Do you think we should... well... you know... Screw her?”
“Out of WHAT??” asked the other lawyer.
Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming...
One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, “WOW, I just can’t believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction.”
The lawyer on the ground was most sceptical and said, “You’re hallucinating, you’ve finally lost your mind.”
But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.
The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered; she was alive, warm and breathing.
One said to the other, “You know, we’ve been on this Godforsaken island for months now without a woman. It’s been such a long time. Do you think we should... well... you know... Screw her?”
“Out of WHAT??” asked the other lawyer.
Tuesday, 20 November 2012
Rabbit
A man was driving along a country lane and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.
The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the country lane saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. “I feel terrible”, he explained. “I have accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car boot and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can on to the rabbit.
Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again. He then continued to hop along the road for another 50 yards, turned, waved at them both and hopped again for another 50 yards.
The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can. He ran over to the woman and demanded, “What was in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?”
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said:
‘Hair spray restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.’
Tuesday, 13 November 2012
Hooker
A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, “How much do you charge?”
The Hooker replies, “It starts at $500 for a hand-job.”
The guy says, “$500 dollars? For a hand-job? Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!”
The hooker says, “Do you see that Bar on the corner?”
“Yes”
“Do you see the Bar about a block further down?”
“Yes”
“And beyond that, do you see that third Bar?”
“Yes”
“Well”, says the hooker, smiling invitingly, “I own those and I own them because I give a hand-job that’s worth $500.”
So the guy says, “What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try.”
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realising that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, “I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?”
The hooker replies, “$1,500.”
“I wouldn’t pay that for a blow-job!”
The hooker replies, “Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that Casino just across the street? I own that Casino outright and I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500...”
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says, “Sign me up.”
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money’s worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, “How much for some pussy?”
The hooker says, “Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us; all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?”
“Damn!” the guy says, in awe, “You own the whole city?”
“No”, the hooker replies, “but I would... if I had a pussy.”
Tuesday, 6 November 2012
Quickie
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, “As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you’ve wished to do the most.”
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, “Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?”
He asks her, “Shall we?” She eagerly replies, “Oh, yes, let’s! But let’s change positions. This time, I’ll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.”
The angel tells them, “As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you’ve wished to do the most.”
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, “Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?”
He asks her, “Shall we?” She eagerly replies, “Oh, yes, let’s! But let’s change positions. This time, I’ll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.”
Friday, 26 October 2012
Prawns
A woman was sitting on a train opposite a skinhead man who was eating fresh prawns.
Every time he ate one, he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her to deflect it.
He finished the box and threw it out the window.
Seeing this, she had enough and pulled the train’s Emergency Cord.
The skinhead looked at her and said, “You’ll get fined £50 for doing that!”
She laughed and said, “When I cry rape and they smell your fingers, you’ll get 10 years!!”
Every time he ate one, he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her to deflect it.
He finished the box and threw it out the window.
Seeing this, she had enough and pulled the train’s Emergency Cord.
The skinhead looked at her and said, “You’ll get fined £50 for doing that!”
She laughed and said, “When I cry rape and they smell your fingers, you’ll get 10 years!!”
Thursday, 25 October 2012
Weather
It is late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in Mattawa asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets of the tribe. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the Weather Network and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”
“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold”, the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the Weather Network again. “Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?”
“Yes”, the man at the weather service again replied, “it's going to be a very cold winter.”
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the Weather Network again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”
“Absolutely”, the man replied. “It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.”
“How can you be so sure?” the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, “Because the Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood!”
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets of the tribe. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the Weather Network and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”
“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold”, the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the Weather Network again. “Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?”
“Yes”, the man at the weather service again replied, “it's going to be a very cold winter.”
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the Weather Network again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”
“Absolutely”, the man replied. “It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.”
“How can you be so sure?” the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, “Because the Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood!”
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