A bloke goes to a chemist and states, “I’ve got three gorgeous girls coming around tonight… I need something to keep me well horny”.
The chemist gives him three boxes of Viagara ‘Extra Strength’.
The next day the man limps back to the chemist shop and shows him his cock. It’s black and blue, skin hanging off, it’s absolutely red raw.
The man asks the chemist, “Give me a bottle of ‘Deep Heat’ please”
The chemist replies in horror, “You can’t put ‘Deep Heat’ on that!”
The man replies, “No, it’s for my arm… the girls didn’t turn up!”
I've no idea what I'll post here at the moment. There may be some humour.
Friday, 22 June 2012
Tuesday, 19 June 2012
Sharks
Why sharks circle before attacking...
Two great white sharks are swimming in the ocean and spy survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son", the father shark said to the son shark, and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing". And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing". And they did.
"Now we eat everybody". And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because son, they taste better without the shit inside!"
Thursday, 7 June 2012
Cancelled flight
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled at Glasgow Airport after Virgin's 747s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.
He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS”.
The Glasgow lassie, wee Jeanie, who was the attendant replied, “I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.”
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?”
Without hesitating, wee Jeanie smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: “May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please”, she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal – “we have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.”
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, “Fuck You!”
Without flinching, wee Jeanie smiled and said, “I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.”
He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS”.
The Glasgow lassie, wee Jeanie, who was the attendant replied, “I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.”
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?”
Without hesitating, wee Jeanie smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: “May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please”, she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal – “we have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.”
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, “Fuck You!”
Without flinching, wee Jeanie smiled and said, “I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.”
Crabs
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up... so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up... so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.
Saturday, 2 June 2012
Euro according to Blackadder
Baldrick: "What I want to know Sir is, before there was a Euro there were lots of different types of money that different people used. And now there's only one type of money that the foreign people use. And what I want to know is, how did we get from one state of affairs to the other state of affairs"
Blackadder: "Baldrick. Do you mean, how did the Euro start?"
Baldrick: "Yes Sir"
Blackadder: "Well, you see Baldrick, back in the 1980s there were many different countries all running their own finances and using different types of money. On one side you had the major economies of France, Belgium, Holland and Germany, and on the other, the weaker nations of Spain, Greece, Ireland, Italy and Portugal. They got together and decided that it would be much easier for everyone if they could all use the same money, have one Central Bank, and belong to one large club where everyone would be happy. This meant that there could never be a situation whereby financial meltdown would lead to social unrest, wars and crises".
Baldrick: "But this is sort of a crisis, isn't it Sir?"
Blackadder: "That's right Baldrick. You see, there was only one slight flaw with the plan".
Baldrick: "What was that then, Sir?"
Blackadder: "It was bollocks".
Tuesday, 29 May 2012
The last 10 pence
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face. The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the 10 pence coins, but is still choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. Tighter and tighter!!!
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10 pence coins, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
“No”, the woman replied. “I'm with the Inland Revenue”.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face. The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the 10 pence coins, but is still choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. Tighter and tighter!!!
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10 pence coins, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
“No”, the woman replied. “I'm with the Inland Revenue”.
Tuesday, 15 May 2012
Little Hodiaki
The teacher said, "Let us begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodiaki a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up. “Patrick Henry, 1775”, he said.
“Very good!” replied the teacher.
Who said, “Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?”
Again, no response except from Little Hodiaki, “Abraham Lincoln, 1863”.
“Excellent!” said the teacher continuing, “let's try one a bit more difficult... Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?”
Once again, Hodiaki's was the only hand in the air and he said, “John F. Kennedy, 1961”.
The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Hodiaki isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.”
She heard a loud whisper, “Fuck the Japs!”
“Who said that? I want to know right now!” she angrily demanded.
Little Hodiaki put his hand up, “General MacArthur, 1945.”
At that point, a student in the back said, “I'm gonna puke.”
The teacher glared around and asks, “All right! Now who said that!?”
Again, Little Hodiaki said, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”
Now furious, another student yelled, “Oh yeah? Suck this!”
Little Hodiaki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, “You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.”
Little Hodiaki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.”
The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, “Oh shit, we're screwed!”
Little Hodiaki said quietly, “The Greek population, 2012.”
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodiaki a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up. “Patrick Henry, 1775”, he said.
“Very good!” replied the teacher.
Who said, “Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?”
Again, no response except from Little Hodiaki, “Abraham Lincoln, 1863”.
“Excellent!” said the teacher continuing, “let's try one a bit more difficult... Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?”
Once again, Hodiaki's was the only hand in the air and he said, “John F. Kennedy, 1961”.
The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Hodiaki isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.”
She heard a loud whisper, “Fuck the Japs!”
“Who said that? I want to know right now!” she angrily demanded.
Little Hodiaki put his hand up, “General MacArthur, 1945.”
At that point, a student in the back said, “I'm gonna puke.”
The teacher glared around and asks, “All right! Now who said that!?”
Again, Little Hodiaki said, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”
Now furious, another student yelled, “Oh yeah? Suck this!”
Little Hodiaki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, “You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.”
Little Hodiaki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.”
The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, “Oh shit, we're screwed!”
Little Hodiaki said quietly, “The Greek population, 2012.”
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