Harley and Vaseline

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day; he comes across a Harley Davidson with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in absolute mint condition. 

He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

“Well, it's quite simple really”, says the seller, “whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain”. And with that he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, “I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.”

“'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.”

“No problem”, he says... And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mum horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mum. “She's got a great body”, he thinks.

So he grabs the mum, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table. After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mum is pleasantly beaming. But still.... Total silence as no one wants to wash the dishes.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike… so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father shouts, “I'll do the fucking dishes!”

Navy retirement plan

The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer was able to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes... He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, “From the tip of my penis to my testicles.”

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to “drop 'em”, which he did. The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back. “Dear Lord!” he suddenly exclaimed, “Where are your testicles?”

The Old Chief calmly replied, “The Falkland Islands.”

Lawyer verses Cop

A Lawyer from London runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop, because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cop's expense.

Cop says, "Licence and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and Registration, Please.”

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law! Licence and registration, please!"

The Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between ‘slow down’ and ‘stop’, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the shit out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"

Quick thinking Kiwi

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir", the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager, "My wife is from New Zealand!"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"

Little Billy and Politics

Little Billy walks up to his dad and asks, “What is Politics?”

Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. Your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.”

So little Billy goes off to bed thinking about what his Dad has just explained to him.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So little Billy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he then goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, little Billy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.”

The father says, “Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”

Little Billy replies, “The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.”

Dark & Stormy night

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were on holiday in Europe.....as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry", replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!" Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist... However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely... Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

Cheap drinks

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, ‘Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10p’.

They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"

There's a fully stocked bar, so each one orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced Martinis, ‘shaken not stirred’ and says, "That'll be 10p each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their Martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent Martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40p, please." They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two Martinis and haven't even spent a £1 yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve Martinis as good as these for a 10p a piece?"

"I'm a retired tailor," the bartender says, “and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. Wine, spirits, beer, it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their Martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?" 

The bartender says, "They're retired people from Yorkshire. They're waiting for ‘Happy Hour’ when drinks are half-price.”

Nurses laugh

Bob visits the nurse with a problem and is worried that the nurse may laugh at his situation.

"Of course I won't laugh", said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then", said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male penis the nurse had ever seen.

In length and width was almost identical to a ‘AAA’ battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's penis, she composed herself as well as she could.

"I am so sorry", she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen", Bob replied.

Haircut

A little girl goes to the barbers with her dad and stands next to the chair eating a cake while her dad gets a haircut.

The barber smiles at her and says, “You’re going to get hair on your muffin.”

“I know”, she says. “I’m gonna get tits too, you dirty old bastard.”

Heaven

Three men die on Christmas eve. To gain entry into heaven, St Peter says, “You must have something on you that represents Christmas.”

The Englishman flicks on his lighter and says, “It’s a candle.”

St Peter lets him pass.

The Welshman pulls out a set of keys, jangles them and says, “They are bells.”

St Peter lets him pass.

The Irishman pulls out his 10 inch cock.

St Peter says, “How does that represent Christmas!!”

Paddy replies, “It’s a fucking cracker isn’t it!”

Mamma knows

An Italian Mamma, Mrs Ravioli, comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear Mamma,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Your Loving Son Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received an email response from his Mamma which read:

Dear son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Maria. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mamma.

Christmas tradition

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the rum. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree...

Diary

Diary of a Pommy in Western Australia

August 31
Just got transferred with work from Leeds to our new home in Karratha, Western Australia. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday. It was beautiful.
I've finally found my new home. I love it here.

September 13
Really heating up now, it got to 31 today. No problem though, living in air-conditioned home, driving an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshipper - no blasted rain like back in Leeds!

September 30
Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me! Another scorcher today, but I love it here. It's Paradise!

October 10
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatising is taking longer than we expected.

October 15
Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body.
Missed three days off work. What a dumb thing to do. Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this!

October 20
Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I've learned my lesson though, no more pets in this heat.

October 25
This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant fucking blow dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from Perth.... The wife & the kids are complaining.

October 30
The temperature is up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the air conditioner. House is an oven so we've all been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?

November 4
Finally got the air-conditioner fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 35. Stupid repairman. Fucking thief.

November 8
If another smart bastard says, “Hot enough for you today?” I'm going to throttle him. Fucking heat! By the time I get to work, the car radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet and I smell like baked cat. Fucking place is the end of the Earth.

November 9
Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in my car. I thought my fucking arse was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and off my arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat.

November 10
The Weather report might as well be a recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and fucking sunny. It never fucking changes! It's been too hot to do anything for 2 fucking months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Fuck!

November 15
Doesn't it ever rain in this damn fucking place? Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the fucking pool. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the little bastards!

November 20
Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 fucking degrees today. Now the air conditioner has gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said, “Hot enough for you today?” I wanted to shove the fucking car up his arse. Anyway, had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid prick. Fucking Karratha! What kind of sick, demented fucking idiot would want to live here!

December 1
WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of Summer!!!! You are fucking kidding me!