In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with his left leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed extremely distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant’s left foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, full of fear, thinking of nothing else but being trampled to death. Eventually the elephant carefully patted him with his trunk and then trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never ever forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Daniel were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter and lifted its front left foot off the ground and then put it back down. The elephant repeated this several times and then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at Peter.
Remembering that amazing encounter back in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this really was the same elephant.
Peter summoned up all of his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back at him in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing with all of his might… killing Peter instantly.
…It probably wasn’t the same elephant!
A couple were dressed to go out for the evening, for dinner and the theatre. They turned on a 'night light', turned the answering machine on, covered their pet budgie and put the cat in the garden.
They phoned the local Taxi company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and they opened the front door to leave the house.
As they walked out the door, the cat that they had put out in the garden scooted back into the house. They didn’t want the cat shut in the house, because she always tried to get at the budgie.
The wife walked out to the taxi, while the man went back inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with the husband in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, the wife didn’t want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night, so she explained to the taxi driver that her husband would be out soon. “He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother”, she told the driver.
A few minutes later, the husband returned to the cab. “Sorry I took so long”, he said, as they drove away. “That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! Anyway, I hauled her fat arse downstairs and threw her out into the back garden! She’d better not shit in the vegetable garden again!”
The silence in the Taxi was deafening.
There was a bagpiper, who had played many gigs. Recently he was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. The man had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the countryside near Inverness.
As the piper was not familiar with this area, he got lost and being a typical man, didn’t stop to ask for directions. He finally arrived an hour late and saw the undertaker had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
He felt badly and apologised to the men for being late. He went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. The piper didn’t know what else to do, so he started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. He played out his heart and soul for this man who had no family or friends. The bagpiper played like he had never played before for this homeless man.
And as the piper played ‘Amazing Grace’, the workers began to weep. They wept, the piper wept… they all wept together.
When he finished, he packed up his bagpipes and headed back towards his car. Though with his head hung low, his heart was full.
As the piper opened the door to his car, he heard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen nothing like that before and I’ve been installing septic tanks for twenty years.”
A couple were Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last minute shoppers.
Walking through the shopping centre the surprised wife looked up from a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen. She knew they had lots still to do and she became very upset.
She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phone, then used it to call her husband to ask him where he was.
The husband in a calm voice replied, “Darling, do you remember the jewellery shop we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that one day I would get it for you...?”
His wife’s eyes filled with tears of emotion, she began to cry softly and stifling a sob she whispered, “Yes, I remember that jewellery shop...”
“Well”, he said, “I’m in the pub next to it!”
Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided their only food.
Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming...
One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, “WOW, I just can’t believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction.”
The lawyer on the ground was most sceptical and said, “You’re hallucinating, you’ve finally lost your mind.”
But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.
The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered; she was alive, warm and breathing.
One said to the other, “You know, we’ve been on this Godforsaken island for months now without a woman. It’s been such a long time. Do you think we should... well... you know... Screw her?”
“Out of WHAT??” asked the other lawyer.
A man was driving along a country lane and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.
The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the country lane saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. “I feel terrible”, he explained. “I have accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car boot and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can on to the rabbit.
Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again. He then continued to hop along the road for another 50 yards, turned, waved at them both and hopped again for another 50 yards.
The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can. He ran over to the woman and demanded, “What was in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?”
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said:
‘Hair spray restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.’
A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, “How much do you charge?”
The Hooker replies, “It starts at $500 for a hand-job.”
The guy says, “$500 dollars? For a hand-job? Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!”
The hooker says, “Do you see that Bar on the corner?”
“Yes”
“Do you see the Bar about a block further down?”
“Yes”
“And beyond that, do you see that third Bar?”
“Yes”
“Well”, says the hooker, smiling invitingly, “I own those and I own them because I give a hand-job that’s worth $500.”
So the guy says, “What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try.”
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realising that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, “I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?”
The hooker replies, “$1,500.”
“I wouldn’t pay that for a blow-job!”
The hooker replies, “Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that Casino just across the street? I own that Casino outright and I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500...”
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says, “Sign me up.”
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money’s worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, “How much for some pussy?”
The hooker says, “Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us; all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?”
“Damn!” the guy says, in awe, “You own the whole city?”
“No”, the hooker replies, “but I would... if I had a pussy.”
