HMRC

At the end of the tax year, the HMRC sent an inspector to audit a local hospital.

While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”

“Good question”, noted the CEO. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company, and every once in a while they send us a free roll.”

“Oh”, replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went in his obnoxious way, “What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?”

“Ah, yes”, replied the CEO, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster.”

“I see”, replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CEO. “Well, what do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?”

“Here, too, we do not waste”, answered the CEO. “What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the HMRC office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick.”

Little Billy and words

A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with “tor” and that also ate things.

The first little boy said, “Alligator.”

“Very good James, that’s a big word.”

The second boy said, “Predator.”

“Yes, that’s another big word Alan. Very well done.”

Little Billy says, “Vibrator.”

After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says, “That is a big word Billy, but it doesn’t eat anything.”

“Well my mother has one and she says it eats fucking batteries like there’s no tomorrow!”

Cemetery music

A tourist in Vienna is walking through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads, “Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827”.

Then he realises that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backwards! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.

When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backwards.

Just then the graveyard’s caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

“I would have thought it was obvious”, the caretaker says... “He’s decomposing.”

Gynaecologist

A man went to Harley Street in London, having seen an advert for a Gynaecologist’s Assistant.

Knowing that nowadays, job advertisers aren’t able to discriminate against the applicant’s gender, he was very interested, so he went in and asked the secretary for details.

She retrieved the file and read to him, “This job entails preparing ladies for the Gynaecologist. You will be responsible for helping them out of their underwear, laying them down and carefully washing their private areas, applying shaving foam to the necessary parts and removing all unwanted foliage, and finally, you’ll be required to rub in soothing oils, in preparation for the Gynaecologist’s examination.”

Then she told him, “The annual salary is £65,000 and if you’re interested, you’ll have to go to Aberdeen”.

“My goodness!”, exclaimed the man, “Is that where the job is?”

She answered, “No, that’s where the end of the queue is...”

Lawyer

A London lawyer representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client. “Sam, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.”

The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today and she informed me that she invested £5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of £15-20 million. I think she could be right.”

Sam replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”

The lawyer replied, “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”

Sven

Sven was recounting his war experiences on the local radio station.

“So, dere I vas, flyin’ over France, mindin’ my own business. Suddenly, one o’ dem Jerman Fokkers dives at me out of the sun, guns blazing. Well, I engaged him in an aerial battle, got behind him and shot that Fokker down.”

The radio announcer broke in and said, “For those of you in our audience who are unfamiliar with warplanes, the Germans in World War One flew a plane known as the ‘Fokker’. The Red Baron is probably the best known flying ace who flew one... Back to you, Sven.”

“Ya, Ya”, said Sven. “Dat’s right. But dis vas World War Two and dem Jerman Fokkers vas driving Messerschmitts.”

Drunk

There’s a pounding on the door…

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

“Not a chance”, says the husband, “it’s 3am in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife.

“Just some drunk guy asking for a push”, he answers.

“Did you help him?” she asks.

“No I did not, it’s 3 in the morning and it’s friggin’ well pouring rain out there!”

“Well, you have a short memory”, says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know.”

The man does as he’s told, gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”

“Yes”, comes back the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.

“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here on the swing”, replies the drunk.