Uncle Marvo

Little Billy is excited because the circus has come to town and his mum has got front row tickets for him. Finally the evening comes and Little Billy and his mum go off to the big top.

Little Billy sits there and enjoys the lions, the tigers, the jugglers and the trapeze artists. Finally out come Little Billy’s favourites, the clowns.

Little Billy loves the clowns and their humorous japes until one of the clowns comes up to him and says, “Little boy are you the front end of an ass?”

“No”, replies little Billy.

“Are you the rear end of an ass?” the clown asks.

“No”, replies little Billy again.

“In that case”, says the clown, “you must be no end of an ass!”

Little Billy is distraught and he runs out of the circus and all the way home in tears. When his mum catches up with him she says, “Little Billy don't worry, your Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, is coming to stay tomorrow. We will take him to the circus and he will sort that nasty clown out.”

At this news, Little Billy cheers up and looks forward to the next evening.

The next night comes and, sure enough, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, arrives and the three of them set off for the circus. When they get there Little Billy, his mum and Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, sit down and enjoy the lions, the tigers, the jugglers and the trapeze artists. Then the clowns begin their performance.

Again Little Billy is enjoying their antics and yet again one of the clowns comes up to him and says, “Little boy are you the front end of an ass?” 

Little Billy looks at his Uncle Marvo. Quick as a flash, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, jumps up and shouts at the very top of his voice:

“Fuck off you red nosed cunt!!”

Dining out

I took this lovely girl out for a meal last night on a first date.

We sat down and she proceeded to order the most expensive dishes on the menu.

I asked her, “Does your mother feed you like that at home?”

She replied, “No… but my mother’s not expecting to get a blow job later!”

I said, “Good point… enjoy your meal!”

Fireman's bells

A Fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire engine, ready to go.”

"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed and when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night.”

The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled, "BELL 2!" the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!" they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"

"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

"Roll out more hose", she replied, "You’re nowhere near the fire!"

Papa and Vinnie

An old Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: 

 
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.

I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love,
Papa
 
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
 
Dear Papa,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
 
Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,
Vinnie

Dai and Evan

Two Welsh blokes go out for a drink in London. They are quite drunk and end up in the Soho district.

It’s not too long before they lose each other in Soho. Dai then goes in search of his mate Evan.

He comes across a man crossing the road and asks, “Have you seen my mate Evan?” The gentleman replies, “Sorry I haven’t.”

He staggers along the road a little bit more and meets a charming couple. He asks them, “Have you seen Evan?” They in turn reply, “I’m sorry we haven’t”.

Dai then walks along the road in Soho and comes across a young lady stood in a shop doorway; with a skirt so short you can see what she has had for breakfast!

Dai asked her, “Do you know where Evan is?”

She replied in a husky voice, “Come with me and I’ll show you ‘eaven!”

Dai said, “Brilliant... I’ve been looking for him for ages.”

Dai followed her up the stairs until they reached the top, when she turned to him and said, “Heaven’s in here”.

Dai then said, “How did he end up here?”

The young lady then proceeded to take all of her clothes off, lay on the bed; open her legs as wide as she possibly could, pointed between her legs and said, “There you go... there’s heaven!”

Dai took one hard long stare and said, “Nooo, Evan’s a bigger cunt than that!”

Stella

A bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything... except Stella.

Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?"

Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was fucking skint."

Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."

Bloke replies, "Skint is my dog!"

Morning sex

The wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."