Grandpa

There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table.

The mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa’s drink, and after a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom.

When he returned, however, his trousers are wet all over.

“What happened to you Grandpa?” asked his concerned children.

“Well”, he answered, “I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom. So I took it out and started to piss, but then I saw that it couldn’t be mine... so I put it back!”

Bullfrogs

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.

After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.

She told the salesman. she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn’t want to spend a fortune.

“Well”, said the salesman, “I have a very large bullfrog. They say it’s been trained to... give blow jobs!”

“Blow jobs!” the woman replied.

“It hasn’t been proven, but we’ve sold 30 of them this month”, he said.

The woman thought it would be a great fun gift, and what if it’s true...

So… She bought the frog.

When she explained the frog’s ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off!... The woman went to bed happy, thinking she would never need perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making fallacious banging and crashing sounds.

She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cook books.

“What are you two doing at this hour?” she asked.

The husband replied, “If I can teach this frog to cook... You’re gone.”

Coffee

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. 

She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. “What’s the matter, dear?” she whispered as she stepped into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night?”

The husband looked up from his coffee. “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?” he asked.

“Yes, I do”, she replied.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. “Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?”

“Yes, I remember”, said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. “Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or spend 20 years in jail?’”

“I remember that too”, she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, “You know... I would have gotten out today.”

Wall

A female BBC journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

“Pardon me, sir, I’m Rebecca Smith from BBC. What’s your name?”

“Morris Feinberg”, he replied.

“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?”

“For about 60 years.”

“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”

“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man. I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests.” And finally “I pray that everyone will be happy”.

“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”

“Like I’m talking to a fucking wall”.

HMRC

At the end of the tax year, the HMRC sent an inspector to audit a local hospital.

While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”

“Good question”, noted the CEO. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company, and every once in a while they send us a free roll.”

“Oh”, replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went in his obnoxious way, “What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?”

“Ah, yes”, replied the CEO, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster.”

“I see”, replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CEO. “Well, what do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?”

“Here, too, we do not waste”, answered the CEO. “What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the HMRC office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick.”

Little Billy and words

A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with “tor” and that also ate things.

The first little boy said, “Alligator.”

“Very good James, that’s a big word.”

The second boy said, “Predator.”

“Yes, that’s another big word Alan. Very well done.”

Little Billy says, “Vibrator.”

After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says, “That is a big word Billy, but it doesn’t eat anything.”

“Well my mother has one and she says it eats fucking batteries like there’s no tomorrow!”

Cemetery music

A tourist in Vienna is walking through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads, “Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827”.

Then he realises that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backwards! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.

When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backwards.

Just then the graveyard’s caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

“I would have thought it was obvious”, the caretaker says... “He’s decomposing.”

Gynaecologist

A man went to Harley Street in London, having seen an advert for a Gynaecologist’s Assistant.

Knowing that nowadays, job advertisers aren’t able to discriminate against the applicant’s gender, he was very interested, so he went in and asked the secretary for details.

She retrieved the file and read to him, “This job entails preparing ladies for the Gynaecologist. You will be responsible for helping them out of their underwear, laying them down and carefully washing their private areas, applying shaving foam to the necessary parts and removing all unwanted foliage, and finally, you’ll be required to rub in soothing oils, in preparation for the Gynaecologist’s examination.”

Then she told him, “The annual salary is £65,000 and if you’re interested, you’ll have to go to Aberdeen”.

“My goodness!”, exclaimed the man, “Is that where the job is?”

She answered, “No, that’s where the end of the queue is...”

Lawyer

A London lawyer representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client. “Sam, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.”

The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today and she informed me that she invested £5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of £15-20 million. I think she could be right.”

Sam replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”

The lawyer replied, “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”