Blow job

A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.

His best man asks, “Why do you look so excited?”

The groom replies, “I’ve just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am just about to marry the wonderful woman who gave it to me.”

The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face.

Her maid of honour asks, “Why do you look so excited?”

The bride replies, “I’ve just given the last blow job of my entire life.”

Holy Soap

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realise there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.

Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.

"Oh look", says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs and then yells... "Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!”

Hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotise each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the chain broke. It slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Centre and Claude was never invited back to entertain.

Breast-feeding

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

“Breast-fed”, she replied.

“Well, strip down to your waist”, the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, “No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.”

“I know”, she said, “I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.”

Childbirth

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3 year old girl to hold a torch high over her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby...

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3 year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed...

Kathleen quickly responded, “He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place... smack him again!”

Mexican maid

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."

"The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did."

Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he???"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth: "And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora....... The gardener did."

Hot Dog

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, “Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?”

The blonde said it was hers.

“Your dog seems to be in heat”, the officer said.

The blonde replied, “No way. She's cool because she's tied up under that shaded tree.”

The policeman said, “No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.”

“No way”, said the blonde. “My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry because I fed her this morning.”

The exasperated policeman said, “NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!”

The blonde looked at the cop and said, “Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.”

Four golfers

Four old friends were playing their weekly game of golf. One remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his pals and play a round.

His friends all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

The first player says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

The third man says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last one of the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the arse and said, Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for sex or golf,” and all she said was, “You'll need a jumper!”

7 types of sex

The 1st kind of sex is called ... Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has become routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say ... “Fuck You”.

The 5th kind of sex is called ... Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called ... Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more. She/he takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And last but not least ...

The 7th kind of sex is called ... Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

Trust

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two, so she reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband sitting there reading a magazine.

“Hi Darling”, he says, “your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Have you been in to say hello?”

Gypsy wedding

A gypsy girl is about to get married.

Her mum says, “Emerald, do you realise that when you are married, your husband will want to stick his prize possession in to where you piss”.

The daughter replied, “Shut up Ma, how the hell is he going to fit his Transit van in the sink?”

Club House

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: £4

HAMBURGER: £7

CHEESEBURGER: £10

CHICKEN SANDWICH: £11

HAND JOB: £100

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help you sir?”

Jim the old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?”

She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”

The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, “Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.”

Consultants

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organisation. Quite impressive!

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place', and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When another waiter brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, “Why the spoon in your pocket?”

“Well”, he explained, “the restaurant's owner hired a consulting company to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. “I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now…” I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”

“Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our ‘you-know-what’, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.”

I asked quietly, “After you get it out, how do you put it back?”

“Well”, he whispered, “I don't know about the others… but I use the spoon.”

Hair remover

My wife found out that our dog, a Schnauzer, could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some ‘Nair’ hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some ‘Nair’ hair remover.

At the counter, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

Andrea said, “I'm not using it under my arms.”

The pharmacist said, “If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days.”

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

Ireland v France

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

“Hallo, Mr. Teacozy!” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. Oi am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you... We voted to reject the Lisbon Treaty!”

“Well Paddy, my name is Sarkozy”, he replied. “How big is your army?”

“Right now”, says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, “there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!”

Sarkozy paused. “I must tell you Paddy that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.”

“Begorra!” says Paddy. “Oi'l have to ring you back.”

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. “Mr Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!”

“And what equipment would that be Paddy?” Sarkozy asks.

“Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.”

Sarkozy sighs amused. “I must tell you Paddy that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.”

“Saints preserve us!” says Paddy. “Oi'I have to get back to you.”

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. “Mr Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!”

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you Paddy that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!”

“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” says Paddy, “Oi'l have to ring you back.”

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. “Top o' the mornin' Mr Sarkozy! Oi am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.”

“Really? I am sorry to hear that”, says Sarkozy. “Why the sudden change of heart?”

“Well”, says Paddy, “we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps and we decided there is no flaming way we can feed 200,000 prisoners....”

American Pilot

You think you have lived to be 80 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of a coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, “Are you a real pilot?” 

He replied, “Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?”

She said, “I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.”

The two sat sipping coffee in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, "Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, “I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.”

Little Billy & same sex marriage

Michael and Larry get married in London. They can't afford a honeymoon so they go back to Michael's Mum and Dad's house for their first married night together.

The following morning, Little Billy, Michael's youngest brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is leaving to go to school, he asks his mum if Michael and Larry are up yet.

She replies, “No.”

Little Billy asks, “Do you know what I think?”

His mum replies, “I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.”

Little Billy comes home for lunch and asks his mum, “Are Michael and Larry up yet?”

She replies, “No.”

Little Billy says, “Do you know what I think?”

His mum replies, “Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.”

After school, Little Billy comes home and asks again, “Are Michael and Larry up yet?”

His mum says, “No.”

He asks, “Do you know what I think?”

His mum replies, “OK, now tell me what you think.”

Little Billy says, “Last night Michael came to my room for the Vaseline and I think... I gave him my aeroplane glue.”

Accident

Paramedics attend an accident and find a man in the driver’s seat screaming his head off!

They tell him, “Calm down, it could be worse, look at your girlfriend, she’s gone through the windscreen and landed on the road”.

The man replies in a painful screech, “Have you seen what she’s got in her mouth?”

Thor

The Norse god Thor comes to Earth and spends all weekend shagging a mortal woman who has a lisp.

Monday morning then arrives and he is feeling a bit guilty for taking advantage of the woman for 48 hours solid.

He explains to her, “I am Thor”.

She replies, “Your thor, I can’t even go for a fucking pith”.