Lance corporals

Two old boys, Mick & Paddy, have been promoted from Privates to Lance corporals.

Not long afterward, they’re out for a walk and Mick says, “Hey, Paddy, there’s the NCO Club; let’s you and me step in.”

“But we’re only privates”, protests Paddy.

“We’re Lance corporals now”, says Mick, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside. “Now, Paddy, I’m a-gonna sit down and have me a drink.”

“But we’re privates”, says Paddy.

“You blind, boy?” asks Mick, pointing again at his stripe. “We’re Lance corporals!”

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a one of the Army lasses comes up to Mick. “You’re cute”, she says, “and I’d like to date you, but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhoea.”

Mick pulls his friend to the side and whispers, “Paddy, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means. If it’s okay, give me the okay sign.”

So Paddy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Mick the big thumbs up.

Three weeks later Mick is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea. Mick says to Paddy, “Why the hell did you give me the thumbs up?”

“Well Mick, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates.” Pointing to his stripe, he says… “and we’re Lance corporals!”

Cowboy

A cowboy from Montana appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing”, the cowboy offered. 

“On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, Now, back off or I’ll kick the shit out of all of you!”

St. Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”

“Couple of minutes ago.”

Colonel

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, “You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, He's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.”

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. “Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself.”

“Well, sir, I graduated with the Sword of Honour from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I’ve represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the horse riding part of the Olympics. I have researched the history of...”

At that point, the colonel interrupted, “Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fuck off.”