Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is.”

The lawyer using sign language, asks Guido, “Where's the money?”

Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn't know what you are talking about.”

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says, “Ask him again or I’ll kill him!”

The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don't tell him.”

Guido trembles and signs back, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.”

The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”

The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”

Psychiatrist

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a psychiatrist and told him... “I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared... I think I’m going crazy.”

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year”, said the psychiatrist. “Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”

“How much do you charge?” I asked.

“Eighty pounds per visit”, replied the expert.

“I’ll sleep on it”, I said.

Six months later, he met me on the street. “Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.

“Well, eighty pounds a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for £10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought myself a new car!”

“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed! There isn't anybody under there now!”

Frozen cows

A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see, there are cows motionless like statues. It had been a bitterly cold night, but he’d never thought anything like this would happen.

The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.

Just then, an elderly woman walked by, “What’s the matter?” asked the old lady.

The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman.

Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cow’s noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud.

One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals.

The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her good deed.

She declined his offer and walked off across the field.

A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer. “You know who that was, don’t you?” asked the passer-by.

“No”, said the farmer, “who?”


“That was Thora Hird.”