Radio Station

A radio station is offering a free world trip to whoever can come up with the best word that's not in the dictionary, but can be put into a sentence.

A wee Glasgow guy calls in and says, “Ma word is Gaun, spelt G A U N and ma sentence is Gaun fuck yersel”.

The DJ hangs up and apologises to his listeners. 

5 minutes later another Glasgow guy calls and says, “Ma word is Smee, spelt S M E E”.

The DJ says, “Ok, what's your sentence?”

The guy says, “Smee again, gaun fuck yersel”.

Pilot

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff, spilt milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realised, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?" asked the teacher.

“Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mummy. She was an RAF pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands".

''Good Heavens”, said the horrified teacher. “What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't fuck with Mummy when she's been drinking."

Vagina

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady, “Do you have a vagina?”

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, “'Do you have a vagina?”

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, “Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again”.

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, “Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it”.

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. “Do you have a vagina?”

“'Yes”, she says.

The man replies, “Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?”

Copies from copies

This one was kindly forwarded onto me by @Pam_nAshes to share with you, Thanks Pam.

Deep down in the Vatican sub-basement a new monk is assigned to help other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. "We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the bloody R!"

His forehead is all bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, “What's wrong, father?”

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, “The word was... CELEB R ATE”.

Conversation in Heaven

SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.

WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How did you die?

SYLVIA: I froze to death.

WANDA: How horrible!

SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA: So, what happened?

WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive.

Wine

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine.


Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip had been a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

“What in bag?” asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, “It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.”

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: “Good trade.....”