Laws

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Variation Law - If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

6. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

7. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

8. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

9. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10. Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

11. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

12. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

13. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

14. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

15. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better... But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

Baby making

My nephew asked me how babies are made. I had no idea how to approach it, so I looked online and found a video that explains it all.

I told him at the end of the video, “It’s basically just like that, only the white stuff on her face should have gone up her fanny”.

Exam Failure

A student got 0% in an exam. I would have given him 100%.

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
Answer. His last battle.

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
Answer. At the bottom of the page.

Q3. The River Ravi flows in which state?
Answer. Liquid.

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
Answer. Marriage.

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
Answer. Exams.

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
Answer. Lunch & dinner.

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
Answer. The other half.

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
Answer. It will simply become wet.

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
Answer. No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
Answer. You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
Answer. Very large hands.

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
Answer. No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? Answer. Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

English Hospitality

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood... big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS.

He really, really has to go, after all that Guinness.

He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer", replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."

"Ah, yes", said the bobby... "Just follow me".

He leads him to a back ‘delivery alley’, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there", points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"

"No, sir", replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

Elephant Trunk

A man went to see a urologist and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect. The doctor checked him out and then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him.

However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissue from an elephant’s trunk into his 'old fella'.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.

As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, “That was incredible! Can you do that again?”

With tears in his eyes he replied, “I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse”.

Obnoxious Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I do believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

A letter to God

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in shaky handwriting ‘To God’, with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna 

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went...

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady addressed ‘To God’. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it might have been stolen by those bastards at the Post Office.

Sincerely, Edna

Wage rise

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn as had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.

Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days annual leave. How does that sound?

Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!

Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

Employee: Oh, the electric company, gas company, water company and the mortgage company!