Vacancy

Murphy applied for a fork lift operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin.

A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and were then led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, “Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Norwegian the job.”

Murphy: “And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job.”

Manager: “We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong.”

Murphy: “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?”

Manager: “Simple; on question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down, ‘I don’t know.’ You wrote down, ‘Neither do I.’”

Little Billy and Sex education

The teacher walked into the fifth grade sex education class and said, “Okay, today students we will be talking about the male penis. Can any of you explain what that is?”

Little Billy at the back of the classroom was waving his arm.

The teacher points to him and says, “Do you know what I’m talking about Billy?”

“Yes, ma’am I do. My daddy has two penises", he says.

“What!?” the teacher says. “What do you mean your daddy has two penises?”

“Well ma’am, yes he does. He has a small one that he pees with and a big one that he brushes the babysitter’s teeth with.”

Lance corporals

Two old boys, Mick & Paddy, have been promoted from Privates to Lance corporals.

Not long afterward, they’re out for a walk and Mick says, “Hey, Paddy, there’s the NCO Club; let’s you and me step in.”

“But we’re only privates”, protests Paddy.

“We’re Lance corporals now”, says Mick, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside. “Now, Paddy, I’m a-gonna sit down and have me a drink.”

“But we’re privates”, says Paddy.

“You blind, boy?” asks Mick, pointing again at his stripe. “We’re Lance corporals!”

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a one of the Army lasses comes up to Mick. “You’re cute”, she says, “and I’d like to date you, but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhoea.”

Mick pulls his friend to the side and whispers, “Paddy, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means. If it’s okay, give me the okay sign.”

So Paddy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Mick the big thumbs up.

Three weeks later Mick is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea. Mick says to Paddy, “Why the hell did you give me the thumbs up?”

“Well Mick, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates.” Pointing to his stripe, he says… “and we’re Lance corporals!”

Cowboy

A cowboy from Montana appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing”, the cowboy offered. 

“On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, Now, back off or I’ll kick the shit out of all of you!”

St. Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”

“Couple of minutes ago.”

Colonel

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, “You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, He's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.”

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. “Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself.”

“Well, sir, I graduated with the Sword of Honour from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I’ve represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the horse riding part of the Olympics. I have researched the history of...”

At that point, the colonel interrupted, “Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fuck off.”

Wales

For my Colonial friends, there really is a village in Wales with the name, Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, the only part I can pronounce is the last three syllables… Go-Go- GOK

Lunch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, Anglesey, North Wales...

On a beautiful summer’s day, two American tourists were driving through Wales.

At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, they stopped for lunch.

They said to the waitress, “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us by pronouncing where we are, but very, very, very slowly please?”...

The girl leaned over and said, “Burrr gurrr king.”

Skipping Mass

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and, realising it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, “You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?”

The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.”

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?”

The Lord smiled and replied, “Who’s he going to tell?”