Three ladies, Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They rediscover each other via Facebook and arrange to meet for lunch.
Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterwards, wearing a grey Chanel number.
After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine. Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment in Chelsea. Susanna, their daughter, attends drama school. They also have a second home in France.
Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University, studied to become a doctor and then became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in The City. They live in the Kensington area and have a second home in Italy.
Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical bird park on the Sunshine Coast in Australia and grow their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Aldi they live in a small flat and have a caravan parked on the front drive.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old people's home. They live in Stratford and take camping holidays at Butlins.
Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.
“Mr. Barnes, it’s obviously not a good morning for golf. It’s good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don’t have any,” he replied gruffly.
“Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?”
“Ninety-eight,” he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
“Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down to the front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?”
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, “I outlived the bastards.”
A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy.
When he wakes up he’s surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously, “Is there a problem?”
The head surgeon says gently, “I’m afraid so... I’m so sorry but your notes got mixed up and we’ve given you a sex change rather than a vasectomy.”
The patient is devastated and shockingly replies, “Do you mean to say I’ll never experience an erection ever again?”
The surgeon pauses for a moment then says, “Well, you might... but it won’t be yours!”
Once upon a time three Lieutenants were walking through the woods and suddenly they were standing in front of a huge, wild river. But they desperately had to get to the other side. But how, with such a raging torrent? The first Lieutenant knelt down and prayed to the Lord, “Lord, please give me the strength to cross this river!”
A puff of smoke appears…
The Lord gave him long arms and strong legs. Now he could swim across the river. It took him about two hours and he almost drowned several times. BUT, he was successful!
The second Lieutenant, who observed this, prayed to the Lord and said, “Lord, please give me the strength AND the necessary tools to cross this river!”
A puff of smoke appears…
The Lord gave him a tub and he managed to cross the river despite the fact that the tub almost capsized a couple of times.
The third Lieutenant who observed all this knelt down and prayed, “Lord, please give me the strength, the means and the intelligence to cross this river!”
A puff of smoke appears…
The Lord converted the Lieutenant into a Sergeant. The Sergeant took a quick glance on the map, walked a few metres upstream, and crossed the bridge.
A woman is spring cleaning her house and, while she is standing on a chair getting the cobwebs down, little Billy can see right up her skirt.
“What’s that, Mum, that hairy thing up there?” says little Billy whilst pointing at her fanny.
Realising she did not put her knickers on, his Mum said, “Oh, it’s my nerve.”
Just then the doorbell rang and little Billy answered it. Standing there was a bloke in a suit who says, “Hello, we make brushes, anything from sweeping brushes to toilet brushes. This is a new brush to clean the inside of a teapot, it’s only a tenner. Can you ask your Mother if she would like to buy it, please?”
So little Billy tells his Mum and shows her the brush and she says, “A tenner for that, the thieving bastard! No, tell him I don’t want it.”
So Billy goes back to the bloke and says, “Mum doesn’t want it, you’re a thieving bastard.”
The bloke says, “You what?”
Billy says again, “Mum doesn't want it and you’re a thieving bastard.”
So the bloke says, “Well, you tell your Mum she’s got a fucking nerve.”
And little Billy replies, “Yes, and it’s got a lot more hairs on it than your fucking brush.”
Ethel checked into a hotel on her 50th Birthday she was lonely, a little depressed at her advancing age so decided to risk an adventure.
She thought, “I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.”
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself ‘Tender Tony’, a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well-oiled buns...
She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I’ll give him a call. “Good evening, ma’am, how may I help you?
Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, “I hear you give a great massage. I’d like you to come to my hotel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now ... Bring implements, toys, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go at it all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I’m ready!
Now how does that sound?”
He said, “That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.”
I found myself in a pub in Cork, Ireland. A group of American tourists came in. One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, “I hear you Irish think you’re great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes.”
The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving. No one took up the bet.
40 minutes later, the Irishman who left returned and said, “Hey Yank, is yer bet still on?”
“Sure” said the American, “20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000.”
“Grand,” replied the Irishman, “so pour the pints and start the clock.”
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.
“OK Yank, pay up.” said the Irishman.
“I’m happy to pay, here’s your money”. said the American. “But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?”
“Well sir,” replied the Irishman, “$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.”
A summary of some alternative interpretations of common medical terms:
ARTERY - The study of fine painting
BARIUM - What you do when the medical process fails
CAESAREAN SECTION - A district of Rome
CONGENITAL - Friendly
DILATE - To live long
A MINOR OPERATION - Digging coal
MORBID - A higher offer
NODE - Was aware of
POST OPERATIVE - A letter carrier
URINE - Opposite of "You're out"
CAT SCAN - Search for kitty
CAUTERISE - Made eye contact with a girl
ENEMA - Not a friend
FIBULA - Small lie
IMPOTENT - Distinguished
LABOUR PAIN - Getting hurt at work
PAP SMEAR - A fatherhood test
RECTUM - Darn near killed 'em
SEIZURE - A Roman emperor
TERMINAL ILLNESS - Getting sick at the airport
VARICOSE - Nearby
A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of an LS 460 when he spotted a well-known cardiac surgeon in his shop.
The cardiac surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”
The cardiac surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I earn £35,000 a year and you earn £1.2 million when you and I are doing basically the same work?”
The cardiac surgeon paused, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic, “Try doing it with the engine running”.
One way to get your point across.
A very attractive lady goes up to the bar in a quiet pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
“Actually, no,” the man replied.
“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
“I’m afraid I can’t,” breathes the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?”
“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues, running her forefingers across the bartender’s lips and shyly popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
“What should I tell him?” the bartender manages to ask.
“Tell him,” she whispers, “there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies’ room.”
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale’. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
“You talk?” he asks.
“Yep,” the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says “So, what’s your story?”
The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so ... I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running ... But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
“Ten dollars,” the guy says.
“Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”
“Because he’s a bull-shitter. He’s never been out of the yard.”
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic rubbish bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 note fell out onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag.”
“Oh, really? Damn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no,” said the old lady. “You see; my garden yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really hack me off. It kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, “Why not make the best of it?” So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his cock through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, “O.K., buddy! Give me £20, or off it comes.”
“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”
She says, “Not everybody pays up.”
So Little Billy’s teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Billy unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.
One day in class, Billy raises his hand and says, “Teacher, I’ll bet you £50 I can guess what colour your underwear is.”
She replies, “Okay, meet me after class and we’ll settle it.”
But before class ends, she goes to the bathroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the students clear out, Billy makes his guess. “Blue.”
“Nope. You got it wrong,” she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn’t wearing any underwear.
“Well come with me out to my Dad’s car, he’s waiting for me, and I’ll get you the money.”
She follows him out. When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Billy that she wasn’t wearing any underwear.
His dad exclaims, “That mother fucker! He bet me £200 this morning that he’d see your pussy before the end of the day!”
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”
The waiter replied, “Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!”
The cowboy said, “What the heck, bring me an order.”
The waiter replied, “I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.”
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.”
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.”
A student asked his English Professor, “What is the definition of a dilemma?”
The Professor said, “Well, there’s nothing better than an example to illustrate that”.
“Imagine that you are lying in a big bed with a beautiful aroused young woman on one side and an excited gay man on the other”.
“Which one are you going to turn your back on?”
The policeman approaches the driver’s door.
“Is there a problem, Officer?”
The policeman says, “Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?”
The driver responds, “I’d show it to you, but I don’t have one.”
“You don’t have one?”
The man responds, “I lost it four times for drunk driving.”
The policeman is shocked. “I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?”
“I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”
The policeman says, “Why not?”
“I stole this car.”
The officer says, “Stole it?”
The man says, “Yes, and I killed the owner.”
At this point the officer is getting irate. “You what?”
“She’s in the boot if you want to see.”
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, “Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!”
The man steps out of his vehicle. “Is there a problem, sir?”
“One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.”
“Murdered the owner?”
The officer responds, “Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?”
The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, “Is this your car sir?”
The man says, “Yes” and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. “One of my officers has claimed that you do not have a driving licence.”
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. “Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn’t have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.”
The man replies, “I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!”
When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”
And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more money.
There is a hush within the congregation.
No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the local town, stands up and proclaims: “If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year and his wife with a Volkswagen Polo to transport their children!”
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, “If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education for all of his children!”
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, “If the Vicar stays, I will give him free sex.”
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her, “Mrs. Jones, you’re a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?”
Agnes’s 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
“Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ‘Fuck him’”.
There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table.
The mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa’s drink, and after a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom.
When he returned, however, his trousers are wet all over.
“What happened to you Grandpa?” asked his concerned children.
“Well”, he answered, “I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom. So I took it out and started to piss, but then I saw that it couldn’t be mine... so I put it back!”
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.
She told the salesman. she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn’t want to spend a fortune.
“Well”, said the salesman, “I have a very large bullfrog. They say it’s been trained to... give blow jobs!”
“Blow jobs!” the woman replied.
“It hasn’t been proven, but we’ve sold 30 of them this month”, he said.
The woman thought it would be a great fun gift, and what if it’s true...
So… She bought the frog.
When she explained the frog’s ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off!... The woman went to bed happy, thinking she would never need perform this less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making fallacious banging and crashing sounds.
She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cook books.
“What are you two doing at this hour?” she asked.
The husband replied, “If I can teach this frog to cook... You’re gone.”
