Tools Explained

PILLAR DRILL

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, “Oh shit”.

 

SKILL SAW
A portable cutting tool used to make wooden planks too short.

PLIERS
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

 

BELT SANDER
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

 

HACKSAW
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

MOLE-GRIPS
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your workshop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

BAND SAW
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most workshops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the rubbish bin after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER
Normally used for stabbing and removing vehicle oil filters and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

HOSE CUTTER
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

Wise Rabbi

The only cow in a small town in Ukraine stopped giving milk.

The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 Rubles, or one from Minsk for 500 Rubles.

Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask their wise Rabbi what to do.

They told the Rabbi what was happening. They explained: “Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. Any approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.”

The Rabbi pondered this for a while and asked, “Did you buy this cow from Minsk?”

The people were amazed and dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned to the Rabbi where they had bought the cow from.

“You are truly a wise Rabbi”, they said. “How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?”

The Rabbi answered sadly, “My wife is from Minsk...”

Turpentine

Little Billy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

Little Billy said, “This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it’s called Turpentine.”

The Priest said, “No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman’s belly, she’ll pass a healthy baby.”

Little Billy replied, “If you rub Turpentine on a cat’s arse, he’ll pass a Harley Davidson!”

Parrot

Wanda's dishwasher stopped working, so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll send you a cheque. Oh and by the way don't worry about my dog Spike, he won't bother you.”

"But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

"I must stress to you, do NOT talk to my parrot!!!”

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!”

To which the parrot replied, “Get him Spike!”

Doctor

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!”

“Listen mate; don't waste your time down at the surgery”, Mike replies. “There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid... a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points”.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

“You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks”.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin.

The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Tesco... every little helps.